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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just fade out of her life

501 replies

Bathtimeblues2 · 01/01/2025 16:17

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

OP posts:
Wizzardry · 01/01/2025 17:19

Going forward (awful phrase, but there we are...) I think you could work on your own self-awareness OP.

None of your feelings are wrong, but it's taken this for you to know what they are.

I know of people who will simply never date anyone with a child. Like you, they are older (not sure how old you are?) but they don't want a family of any kind.

That limits the pool of potential partners, but it's best to be honest with yourself.

Morally, you need to end this relationship because there is an innocent child in the midst of it, who's already having to cope with her parents splitting up.

Try to empathise with her perhaps?

SiobhanSharpe · 01/01/2025 17:19

But this little girl already has a mum, with whom she spends half her time. The other half should be spent with her DF, but he seems to be ducking his responsibilities and trying to delegate them to his new partner, who is not so keen on being a second mum to his daughter. And why should she -- that position is fraught with its own difficulies, not least with the child's actual mother.
In addition the OP has a teenage daughter of her own who might feel pushed into second place if her DM also became 'mum' to an unrelated child, which is what her partner seems to want.
OP is definitely not BU.

Podcastqueen · 01/01/2025 17:20

What’s attractive about this man? He sounds like a rubbish parent feeding his daughter pot noodles and breadsticks. Then wanting his girlfriend to mind the child while he goes to the gym. Poor kid.

What do you see in him?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 01/01/2025 17:20

If you didn't want to do the kids stuff again then you shouldn't be in a serious relationship with someone who has a 6 year old. I think this is terrible behaviour on your part. I have been in the position where someone has at the beginning accepted that I have DC and assured me it was no issue and then when things got serious he wouldn't have anything to do with them. If this is not the life you want then let your DP go.

NiftyKoala · 01/01/2025 17:20

I don't think this one is for you.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/01/2025 17:21

I wonder if you moved out op and only agreed to see him when his DD wasn't here if his 50:50 would continue or would he hound you to come round or turn up on your doorstep or even palm his DDoff onto his mother or sister....

BBQPete · 01/01/2025 17:21

YABVU.

Like pp, I assumed this was going to be about a partner you had split up with, and withdrawing from the child's life.

I 'get' not wanting to 'start again' with a small child when you've been there and outgrown that stage but you needed to have made that decision when starting to date your dp. He has a small child. She was 2 when you started going out, so was never going to 'go away'. You can't live with a small child and not be involved. YABVU about that.

The idea of getting married to someone with a small child, but not wanting to be involved with that child is unworkable. Your choice is to change your attitude completely or to break of the engagement with this poor little girl's dad.

MildredSauce · 01/01/2025 17:21

So you've known her all her life and had the SM role since she was two, @Bathtimeblues2 . She's now six. How did you ever think it would be easier to "phase her out"? She'll now be noticing your attitude and intolerance.

I bet that's a fab atmosphere. And I'd be worrying how your behaviour to her could impact how your daughter treats her - what are you teaching, there?

And you have another 12 years to go.

AlohaRose · 01/01/2025 17:23

How exactly do you think you are going to "fade out" of the life of a 6-year old who will be your step-daughter and living with you 50% of the time? I think you are going to have to explain how you see that working?

2025willbemytime · 01/01/2025 17:24

It's naive to date someone with a small child and not understand that eventually you'd be spending time together start and being a de facto family. It might be easier when his daughter is older but then she's going to go through several years or you just pretending and she'll know. Kids are more astute than adults give them credit for.

Sassybooklover · 01/01/2025 17:25

If you start dating a man who has a young child, then you have to expect him to want to blend the families. Yes, he absolutely needs to have 1:1 time with his daughter, as you do with your daughter. However, I don't think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to join him and his daughter (and your own sometimes) on an afternoon or day out. If you can't be bothered to interact with a 6 year old, and be part of her life, then clearly this relationship is not for you. Your partner and his daughter come as a package, as do you and your daughter. Both sides have to accept that you can't have the partner without the child! If you withdraw your presence, then surely his daughter is going to wonder why?! Children don't understand adult thinking, she may believe she has done something wrong to push you away.

Chowtime · 01/01/2025 17:25

You obviously live together.

I think if you just want to date someone then just date them.

I will never understand this mumsnet obsession about living with men. Is it financial?

OriginalUsername2 · 01/01/2025 17:27

It sounds like the set-up was fine but OP is just starting to feel her DP is moving the goal-posts and she’s realised she’s slowly being forced into a position she is uncomfortable with.

The little girl has a mum and a dad. I personally think step-mums are better off playing more of a fun auntie role when there is already a mum in the picture. That’s what I do and it’s worked very well.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 01/01/2025 17:27

You and your partner need different partners. He needs one who wants a blended family and you need someone who doesn't want to involve you in their family life. There's nothing wrong with you wanting a lot of time with your daughter and there's nothing wrong with him wanting a blended family. You just don't suit each other in this way.

PorridgeEater · 01/01/2025 17:28

Poor little girl. Have you not discussed how this should work? If you don't agree I can't see this working.

PierceMorgansChin · 01/01/2025 17:28

Thinkingofaholiday · 01/01/2025 16:33

You need to walk away. This man and little girl deserve someone who wants to be involved and the girl certainly doesn’t need a cold stepmother figure in her life. You should never have dated someone with children if you feel like this.

My daughter has stepmum like that. She is in her 50ties (15 years older than my ex), has kids and grankids and and clearly can't be bothered with my 10 year old, she is civil, but cold. My daughter said when she's old enough to make that decision she won't be going to her dads

Wizzardry · 01/01/2025 17:30

OP, the reason you’re getting such harsh replies is because you dripfed the very relevant details about him recently upping to 50/50 and expecting you to mind her while he goes off to the gym and whatever. As others astutely pointed out, he wants to have his cake and eat it with not paying maintenance and you looking after his daughter.

Really?

So you're saying that when a would-be wife shares the care of a child (her partner's) he's not allowed out of the house when his child is there? He isn't allowed to go to the gym?

If they are getting married and he shares care 50-50 with his ex, surely the OP is taking on that as well?

Not read anything about maintenance but that's a different issue.

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 01/01/2025 17:30

This relationship is doomed regardless of whether you get your way regarding the SD. Stop wasting both of your time pretending otherwise

DisappearingGirl · 01/01/2025 17:31

To be honest I'm always torn on step parent threads, about what is a reasonable amount of involvement from a step parent. I guess it depends on a lot of things that are specific to each family. I think that's why you get such a mix of responses on a thread like this.

On reflection I don't think either OP or her DP are in the wrong, but they both have different expectations. Tricky.

AlohaRose · 01/01/2025 17:31

I personally think step-mums are better off playing more of a fun auntie role when there is already a mum in the picture. That’s what I do and it’s worked very well.

Difficult to be always fun auntie when the SD is living there 50% of the time. Also OP doesn't want that role anyway, she is planning on somehow fading into the background whenever SD is around.

NettleTea · 01/01/2025 17:31

did he discuss with you the shift to 50-50? and did he change his work patterns to be around more to do the extra parenting? Does he do the other stuff - the mornings, the school run, the pick ups, the homework. does he wash her uniform and clothes. and what the hell is going on with the pot noodles?

MrsPeterHarris · 01/01/2025 17:31

arcticpandas · 01/01/2025 17:07

I get the OP. Her DP wants her to "share" the parenting responsability with him so that his 50% goes down to 25%. This is not fair to the OP. If the dad has 50% then he should do his part and not force boring playground stuff on OP who has already done her part with her DD. I think dear dad finds his DD boring or he wouldn't want to get the OP involved all the time. I would seriously think of leaving this relationship if he doesn't get that his daughter is his responsability when she's there and OP has no other responsability than treating the girl kindly which she says she does.

This!

Keep your boundaries Op or leave altogether as this will only get worse for you.

Foodylicious · 01/01/2025 17:31

I think you feel how you feel and that's okay.
I understand it more now you have mentioned she lives with you 50/50, but I think that's even more reason you can't stay living like this and have her feel like she is an inconvenience in her own home.
I get that this set up has not worked out how you envisaged, and it's not working for you.
Could you separate households and stilĺ have a relationship? Or do you think DP will see this as unfair and resent you for not wanting to spend time with his DD?

godmum56 · 01/01/2025 17:31

its seems simple to me....your choices seem to be partner and his child or not child and not partner. Whatever his reasons, he has made clear what he wants and it seems that you don't want it?

Dotto · 01/01/2025 17:32

I'm curious as to whether those outraged that OP declined to play 'step-mum' would be outraged if a male partner chose not to play fatherly "step-dad" in a similar scenario? Or is it because OP is a woman she is expected to take on a mothering role?

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