AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

You need to walk away. This man and little girl deserve someone who wants to be involved and the girl certainly doesn’t need a cold stepmother figure in her life. You should never have dated someone with children if you feel like this.

Seriously? You need to move on. Your SD and partner deserve better.

You need to end the relationship.

It's not working for you.

It’s more he treats me like her mum tbh. For example, if I go out in the morning he will then say, that’s cool, you can have SD while I go to the gym this afternoon etc. I have done it on occasions but SD has come to see him, why would I tag team parent with a child that isn’t mine?

The cheek of inviting himself!

I know!!!! And then be miserable because I said no thank you!

He’s using you as a couple of puzzle pieces to fill in the family set-up.

Sorry but this is what a step mother does? They are a package. Imagine if we’re a man saying I can’t be arsed and want to phase out my 6 year old step child whilst still remaining in a relationship with their mum? Seriously?

You haven't mentioned the little girl's mother, is she in the picture at all or does your fiance have sole custody?

But I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mother.

Surely that's what you do when you are in a relationship with another parent? Totally agree you should be able to do things on your own with your DD on her own sometimes - but not exclusively. Agree with PP, you need out of this relationship and find someone with no DC given your attitude.

He wants a nanny.
You, quite rightly, dont want to be that nanny.
You are not compatible.

They have a 50:50 arrangement so she does live with her mum too

You need to leave for everyone's sake. This is why some of us don't date anyone with children tbh.

Yeah, so exactly as I said, he wants an in house childminder.

Bin him off. He won’t stay single for long, I bet he was single hardly any time before he got with you. These type of men are all the same. As a PP said they just want a vagina owner to take over the grind of raising their child for them.

I was about to add I’ll bet he has 50/50 so he pays the mother as little as possible, I can see you’ve confirmed he has.

Imagine taking your child away from their mother so you can foist them off onto your girlfriend - dad of the year right there

I am learning this.

Feel a bit down that the situation has changed eg he wants me to do more. And by trying to be firm to my boundaries I am coming across awfully.

For the record he does very little for my DD, occasionally lifts, fixed her shelf etc and I am more than happy with that! I didn’t want a surrogate dad for my DD. Just someone that was kind and respectful to her etc

I keep thinking maybe as she gets older it will get easier?

Some people will find any reason to hate men, nothing in what OP has said has made him sound bad and her sound great (except perhaps the pot noodle and bread sticks). Imagine if a woman came on here saying her partner didn’t want anything to do with her child and wanted to phase her out of his life because he can’t be arsed and doesn’t ever want to look after her on his own etc, he’d get ripped to shreds for being a shit partner!

You are coming across as self centered and bloody 2 faced. You want him to accept your teen and want his family to treat her as a Grandchild yet you want bugger all to do with his child. I hope you do leave as that poor little girl doesn't need someone like you in her life.

I wouldnt want to live with anyone else's teens. Could barely stand my own at times.

She was 2yo when you met and lives with her dad 50% of the time. Not sure what you expected OP

I get that. He wanted someone to take over so he doesn't have to parent all that much, it sounds like. I'm annoyed for you that he pushed in on the annual trip.

Start over this year and focus on your daughter and yourself.

Should day the 50:50 is about 18 months in, it was less but he changed his job so could have her more often.

I’m not sure why your DP keeps pushing happy family’s on you. Are you doing the childcare? How often are you with SD?

Rarely see the in laws tbh. Although he takes SD to see them.

I definitely don’t do all the childcare.

Spot on.