AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

You need to split up and let him find someone who is interested in his DD and isn't trying to avoid spending time with her.

Before opening it, I assumed this thread related to fading out of the life of a child post-breakup with the child’s parent which I think with a young child is sadly usually necessary.

Trying to ‘fade out of the life’ of a child whose parent you intend to marry and who lives in your house 50% of the time is just bizarre. How does it work? Does the OP blank the child when she speaks to her? Leave the room when the child enters?

If the question was ‘how do I not get stuck with all the childcare’, I’d be more sympathetic but the belief you can live with a child and not have any dealings with her is emotionally abusive and I’m pretty sure impossible (particularly if the child’s father refuses to cooperate).

If you see/date/marry a parent, they come as a package deal. No debate about it. The relationship isn't for you. Does you dd live with you both? If so very hypocritical

I just can’t understand how this relationship has happened.

of course he wanted a family for his daughter. What else would he want under the circumstances?!?

You won't get much support here OP as the majority of MN hates stepmums and if you had posted on here about wanting to take on more of a parental role you would have been castigated and told you are irrelevant. I bet if you posted on here about the very poor diet your SD has and wanting to intervene you would have been told it's nothing to do with you, yet you have been called callous and cold for not wanting your DP to delegate child care to you. He absolutely should be having one to one time with his DD and parenting her himself.

It's interesting that he demands a family package but it only works one way. His DD has been embraced by your wider family, your DD hasn't had the same treatment. You are expected to fulfil a mum role to his DD, whilst he does little for/with your DD. Such double standards.

The lovely sweet little girl deserves someone who can be arsed with her.

I get where you are coming from op. I haven't been in this situation but I wouldn't want to be either. It sounds to me like dp doesn't want to spend the time alone with his dd because it's easier to have you there helping out as well, it lightens the load for him. I agree it's only fair you both spend time alone with your own dc and it's not fair that he isn't accepting this. I would probably end this relationship to be honest, I don't think it would work going forward as there's already too much resentment on your part and too much expectation on dp's part. Not to mention his odd ball family and their ideas and expectations.

Thank you for understanding my view point.

I am genuinely not horrible or anything to her. It’s just I don’t want to finish work and play Barbie’s. I don’t want to always have to go to the park. I don’t want to eat at 5pm if I’m not hungry because that’s when SD needs to eat. And if that makes me awful then so be it.

My life when my DD was little was totally different, worked part time for a start. I just don’t want to spend my weekends at soft play or watching kids tv. I don’t mind occasionally but I feel quite burnt out!

I get the OP. Her DP wants her to "share" the parenting responsability with him so that his 50% goes down to 25%. This is not fair to the OP. If the dad has 50% then he should do his part and not force boring playground stuff on OP who has already done her part with her DD. I think dear dad finds his DD boring or he wouldn't want to get the OP involved all the time. I would seriously think of leaving this relationship if he doesn't get that his daughter is his responsability when she's there and OP has no other responsability than treating the girl kindly which she says she does.

Neither of you are bu.
I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone with dc under the age of 13 because I want absolutely none of that responsibility anymore.
He's not being unreasonable to expect a family lifestyle when you're all living together.
You're just not compatible right now.
It's probably sad because you obviously had feelings for him at some point.
I do think the right thing to do is to live separately or to spilt.

I think there's a compromise to be had here. You and your teen DD should not have to go to the park with them, that's something they can easily do alone. It can be hard to find things to do all together that with a 6 year old and teen want to do. That doesn't mean you have to not be involved in her life though - you can have meals together, play games or watch a film together from time to time.

You want a boyfriend; he wants more of a partnership, blended with blurred boundaries.

It's always the children that suffer because of adults' mismatched expectations.

@crashbandicooty

"You won't get much support here OP as the majority of MN hates stepmums"

You know, I see this espoused over and over but I have to disagree with you crash.

I think there is a vast majority of MNers who totally empathise with the difficulties of being a step-parent.

@Bathtimeblues2 is outlining a different and non-empathic attitude to a little 6 year old. Just my opinion of course.

edited for sp.

You don't want the same things. The right thing to do is to seperate. You to find a partner without young children. Him to find a partner that is willing to take on him and his daughter (and maybe have more kids).
You are selling yourself short.

No she's doesn't have to take "everything that comes with it". I have a step-child in my life this past 12 years. Sometimes I will go on outings, other times it's just SC and dad. Dad has all the responsibilities along with Mum. My involvement is to be kind to him when he's here, not to get too involved and in the middle of his time with Dad.

It's over-involvement that causes all the problems in blended families in my opinion. How many threads do we see here from step-mothers getting landed with school run and child care responsibilities? I think OP has the right idea. Some involvement on her terms is fine. It's worked for all of us for years.

Your point of view is crystal clear- no problem there.

Not being horrible- well, you're not beating her, but you aren't remotely interested in her or playing with her. That's fine - you are completely entitled NOT to want what comes with a step child, but this hands-off attitude is not sustainable and will only create more problems longer term.

You take on a package when you live with a man who has kids and whose kids live with him/ you some of the time.

If you can't cope then you need to end this relationship.
It's not going to get any better and you've a long road before she reaches 18.

If you think it's bad now, how do you think the teen years are going to be?

I get where you’re coming from. I wouldn’t want to start again with all the young child’s stuff. But you’ve now decided it’s not for you, and I think your dp is looking for more of a family unit, which isn’t wrong, but isn’t what you want. It seems the only option is for you to let him go, so he can find the person he wants. And your next potential partner, you need to make sure you’re both on the same page, and that he doesn’t have young children.

Agree, I don’t hate step parents at all and would never want to be one as I can understand how difficult it is, but being a step parent is a choice and I dislike step parents who can’t be arse

You sounds awful if im honest, but your family sounds lovely.

Leave the man ASAP for the sake of the little girl please before you her life.

A couple of things jumped out at me in your OP @Bathtimeblues2.

"She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me."
Why does she eat like this? Does she eat like this at her mother's, or just at her dad's? Do you have any input here? I'm asking because if "he treats me like her mum tbh", then surely you would be in the right to put a stop to this disordered eating? If he wants 'happy families' and to be the only one with a say in what his daughter eats, that's some serious mixed messages right there!

That's not my main point, although I do think her eating pattern is likely indicative of the confusion of your set-up.

"DP wants happy family moments all the time"
and
"Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting."
Why are you marrying (you're engaged, I'm presuming you intend marriage)? In fact, why are you living together? Marriage and living together are about being a unit - a family. But that's not what you want for yourself and your daughter. But it's something he wants. Would it not be better to live independent of each other? Continue the relationship, but with a clear boundary? Because he absolutely does not acknowledge the boundary you think you have. Oh, and did he actually express himself like that - 'I want so I'm getting'? I would not be keen on someone so willing to ride roughshod over what you thought you'd agreed with him.

"It’s more he treats me like her mum tbh. For example, if I go out in the morning he will then say, that’s cool, you can have SD while I go to the gym this afternoon etc. I have done it on occasions but SD has come to see him, why would I tag team parent with a child that isn’t mine?"
It's pretty clear that he considers you and he to be that tag team - and you don't. So again I'll ask - why are you marrying? Why are you even living together? You're not on the same page at all!

But her DP does want more involvement, so whilst OP doesn’t have to take it on, he’s also entitled to voice what he wants long term, and their wants and needs just don’t align.

OP, the reason you’re getting such harsh replies is because you dripfed the very relevant details about him recently upping to 50/50 and expecting you to mind her while he goes off to the gym and whatever. As others astutely pointed out, he wants to have his cake and eat it with not paying maintenance and you looking after his daughter. If you’d included this in your first post you would have very different replies.

YANBU, but I don’t think the relationship can survive. I agree with the poster that said he’ll be with another woman in a heartbeat because he wants a nanny.

YANBU, he is for moving the goalposts.

Wow. The child has 2 parents, OP doesn't owe them childcare.

you should be able to do things on your own with your DD on her own sometimes - but not exclusively

That's an outrageous claim. DD needs comes first with OP.

I can understand one or two things you've said, like wanting alone time with your own daughter and him going to the gym and leaving you to babysit would be annoying.

However I don't think you can be in a relationship with someone who has a young child and plan to never do anything related to childcare or a motherly role. Maybe at first those are reasonable boundaries but not after years together and moving in together.