AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

I wonder whose house they live in?

Has OP moved in with him or vice versa?

Do you and the dad live together?

He should break-up with you.
You can't have a full time /live in relationship with a parent of a small child and opt out of family life unless they are a shit absent parent. If you wanted to keep that kind of distance you shouldn't be living with him and have kept separate lives. (Unless I misunderstood your post and you don't live together?)
He should prioritise his child and not be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be a step parent.

Wow. The child has 2 parents, OP doesn't owe them childcare.
I didn't say she did, but she doesn't seem to want much of a relationship with the child at all

'you should be able to do things on your own with your DD on her own sometimes - but not exclusively'

'That's an outrageous claim. DD needs comes first with OP.'

What's outrageous about saying that yes, OP a should do things with her own DD alone sometimes, but not always? I really don't understand how a relationship can work when the OP wants to withdraw from her DP's child. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think you have to accept another person's child if you have any hope of a successful relationship

Your thread title is about 'fading from her life' which is a lot more extreme than what you're saying in your subsequent posts.

I think you need to leave. I also think you have been very unreasonable to get this deep into a relationship and now decide you don't want to take on this role with your poor SD. I also feel you've led your DP on a bit of a merry dance. You're not being unreasonable to want what you want but to have let the relationship get to this point and then decide you want to keep SD at arm's length is irresponsible.

Your poor daughter. Your daughter will vote with her feet and so she should.

Exactly, I have no children and have never wanted them, I would never date a man with a child of this age because I would have no interest in doing ‘ kiddy’ stuff or taking on the role of step mother to someone else’s child, most children already have 2 parents who need to take care of all aspects of childcare……having said that I love spending time with my nieces and nephews

Most divorced men with young children are looking for women who will help them with childcare and love their children as if they are their own, but these children are not their own so it’s a big expectation

I'm assuming from what you have written that you live with your Partner or this wouldn't be such an issue?

You have every right to not want to be looking after a young child again but if I am honest, I think you were somewhat naïve about the role you would need to play when living with someone with a much younger child and I think what he is asking of you is perfectly normal.

You made your decision when you allowed him to get 50/50 custody when you were living together. Did you really think he would do all the childcare? You cannot have a child in your home and pick them up and put them down when it suits you. The kids come first - what you do now, dictates who they become in life and how secure they are. When you took him on, you also took on his child, you are adult and you know this.

I can however accept from experience that bringing up someone elses child is a very different dynamic and experience, and one that now you are embroiled in it, you realise it is not for you. He is not asking you to be Mum but he is asking you to be a family, that is why you live together.

Any parent likes to spend one to one time with their child, that is not unreasonable, but if he wants to go on holiday as a family, that is also reasonable.

Prior to him, everything you did with your child will have been 121 but YOU made the decision for you and your child to live as a family with a man with a young child that this was workable but haven't followed through. He is not a lodger with benefits.

I get that the reality of having a young child again maybe more than you had anticipated but you either need to buy into being a proper family (which doesn't make you Mum) or walk away. I think you know this and no-one says it will be easy either way.

I think you should separate, it doesn't sound like you're compatible and it wouldn't be fair on the little girl. I know someone who grew up in this situation and always felt left out. I think you should go your separate ways and date someone in similar situation to you who doesn't have young children. All the best

what's the housing set -up @Bathtimeblues2

Has he moved into your house where his daughter has her own room in your house?

Or have you moved into his with your child?

How did you see this working out- buying a home together?

OP didn't say she doesn't want to be involved in any way, she just wants to be involved on her own terms and let him get on with parenting his child. There seems to be a lot of women on here who think being a step-mother means becoming a third parent and making life easier for the two actual parents while forgetting about themselves and their own actual childrens needs.

I totally get that he had a child and I was happy to deal/sacrifice all the bits about that as I too have a child. But I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mother.

I get we do things together as a family but it’s more and more now and even things like ‘I think me and SD will come with you on your annual trip with DD

It’s more he treats me like her mum tbh. For example, if I go out in the morning he will then say, that’s cool, you can have SD while I go to the gym this afternoon etc

I just don’t want to spend my weekends at soft play or watching kids tv. I don’t mind occasionally but I feel quite burnt out!

OP I think what you have said above is fine - but in this situation I don’t think it will work.

Your OH clearly wants a family with you taking on a step mother role and that’s not what you want.

TBH I’m not sure if or how you can fade her out?

You have to also remember that this is a 6 year old little girl - she obviously loves you and your side of the family so she’s naturally wanting to play and/or spend time with you.

It's a weird expectation that your dp and his daughter wouldn't all spend time with you and possibly your dd too.

That is what getting into serious relationship territory with other parents means.

His parents though sound like twats.

This is incomprehensible to me @5iveleafclovers

If they marry, and she is a step mum, they should behave as equals towards the child in terms of spending time with her.

You seem to be saying that they should operate on some basis like 'Well, you're her dad so you can go to the gym once, and I'll look after her, but I'm going 5 times because I'm just her step mum and you have to do the lion's share of care'.

I have never heard of any couples doing this where one is a step parent.

Do you not think a child would notice and feel unwanted?

In the example the OP gave, yes, of course he should ASK and not assume. But OP ought to be willing to do her bit.

To quote someone above:

"he has 50/50 so he pays the mother as little as possible"

Imagine taking your child away from their mother so you can foist them off onto your girlfriend - dad of the year right there.

He wants a vag-owner to do the legwork of being mummy.

Clear off with your 1-dimensional answer.

I couldn't be arsed with any part of parenting such a little child again. I simply wouldn't get involved with a man with such young children if I were single. If you have spoken to him and nothing has changed and you want different family set ups, you more 1 to 1 and him all together. It's not going to work is it.

The child is more important than you. They're 6 years old. They don't get another childhood.

Vag-owner- that's a new one! 'Woman' would do nicely.

I doubt that the 50-50 childcare is based on money. 50-50 is often the starting point for shared care and separate from the decision over money.

To quote someone above:

"he has 50/50 so he pays the mother as little as possible"

Imagine taking your child away from their mother so you can foist them off onto your girlfriend - dad of the year right there.

He wants a vag-owner to do the legwork of being mummy, kinkeeping and the rest.

Clear off with your 1-dimensional answer.

Edited to say I was intending to respond/quote @Dotto 's previous post...

OP has every right to decline to "play" step mum in the 50/50 set up she has with her DP and DSD but not at the expense of anyone's feelings. especially that poor young lass. She should do the right thing, appreciate the situation and remove herself from the equation. It is never going to end well, is it?

And I don't think the "outrage" is gender specific. This behaviour from anyone is, imo, unacceptable.

From memory op says that her DP has limited interaction with her own daughter. OP is fine with that as long as he is kind and respectful (to DD), which feels a bit rich given her own views.

YABU

This is a car crash of a relationship

Please leave now for the sake of both your DCs.

Seems like there’s a lot of expectation from your partner for you to stop being an active parent for your own DD so that he can have a break from parenting his own child .

Honestly the mere notion of staying in a relationship with this man while “fading out” his SIX YEAR OLD child… 🤡

DP and SD come as a package. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t fade out of the life of someone who lives with you 50% of the time. I feel desperately sorry for SD. You need to break up with DP for her sake.

I think it’s so important for biological parents to have 1-1 time with their biological kids.

However, I think YABVU

Choosing to be with someone with kids, means being involved with them.

You chose to be in a relationship and you chose to move in with him.
I’m not sure what you expected tbh.

I have a rule that I won’t date men with kids younger than 8 because I’ve been there and done that and don’t want to do it again.

The child is only with you 50% of the time and if you’re finding that difficult then I would end the relationship because theres always a chance she could need to live with her dad FT.