AIBU to just fade out of her life

[Bathtimeblues2]

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap!

DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years.

I was not OW! Just want to be clear.

I have DD 15.

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again.

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.

I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered!

She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me.

His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!!

I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

I would feel the same as you OP, a 6 year old who may be sweet would still be annoying and you also want to spend time with your 15 year old DD; they are hard ages to successfully mix. However, I don't think you can stay in the relationship with your DP without being involved in your SD's life, I think this will always be a problem. How does your DD feel about the relationship? If she finds the 6 yo DC tough or has any doubts about your DP it may help you settle on what to do.

I think it's the difference between dating and living together. If you were dating and had your own houses, I wouldn't particularly expect you to be in a step mum role (just to be friendly to the child when you met up).

But if you are living together or married, then I think you are that child's step mum and I'd expect you to do some "mum" things while she is with you (though I'd expect her dad to do more).

I also think it's different being a step parent to a teen versus a small child. A small child needs a lot more hands-on looking after.

I don't think you can expect to live with a dad who has his 6 year old with him 50% of the time, and not do any parenting of the 6 year old. It's just not realistic. A 15 year old is a totally different thing.

So he needs a babysitter during his parenting time.

That's a no. And that's not a partner.

Is he feeding her this garbage or is she making her own food out of what she can manage? Trying to horn in on your vacation? He sounds lazy AF.

This is what your life will look like if you don't dump this guy. You'll be raising his kid and not having much leftover to be with yours.

You got with a man who had a 2 year old. Several years on and you expect the same level of involvement you had at the very beginning even though your boyfriend became your fiance and you have more of an established life together? What did you think was going to happen?

You think she'll get easier when she's older, pubescent, hormonal and then teenaged fuelled by pot noodles ?

Let me get this straight - you’re annoyed because your family treat her as one of the family???

I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again.

I don't understand this.

What has politics to do with a step daughter?

Do you mean the 'family dynamics'?

I think your expectations are unrealistic. Hand on heart, would he and his daughter as a package be better off looking for a new relationship?

You've told him what you are happy with, and he keeps crossing your boundaries because yours don't suit or serve him.
He has 50:50 but continually wants you to be his babysitter and your own special time with your DD so he doesn't have to do his parenting time alone.

No, this man is no good, you and your DD deserve better, and his own DD deserves better, but you don't have to negate her own shit fathers version of parenting. He will find someone else soon after you leave.

You can’t ’fade out of the life’ of a child who lives with you 50% of the time.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in the running for father of the year (the child’s diet) but you should never have got involved with a man with a child with your attitude. Please break up with him before you cause permanent emotional damage to this child.

TL;DR: Disney stepmothers are meant to be awful warnings not role models.

I don't think the relationship is going to work out and you should probably therefore reconsider your engagement. He's a dad, she's little, it would be impossible and unreasonable to not have a pretty full and active part in her life. He doesn't sound keen on your way of doing step families and you are not keen on his version. Time to move on for everyone's sake.

What does 'fading out' of her life look like in real terms, given that she lives with you 50% of the time? Taking yourself to another room to avoid her? Leaving the house completely as often as possible?

You sound callous and uncaring.

Parters with existing children come as a package.

If you don't want what that involves, look for a man with no baggage (ie children.)

This little 6 year old will pick up how you feel and it will completely fuck her up.

Get out of her life.

But that means ending it with your partner too.

I'm not sure exactly what the issue is. Do you live together? Either way it makes sense when you're all together in the hole that you'd spend time together but if they want to go to the park or a soft play I think it's fair enough that you don't want to go.

I see. So he didn’t have his daughter as much, and now it is 50-50, and he is now expecting you to be the childcare person? OP I might consider fading out this entire relationship. If you don’t want to parent a small child again, (which your partner clearly wants), this relationship is not for you.

Oh FFS! Some of these comments! I totally understand how you feel OP. Other people’s kids are hard work. I honestly don’t think I’d have the patience to spend more than a few hours with someone else’s small kids. There is nothing wrong with OP feeling the way she does. It does seem as if he is looking for a surrogate mother rather than a partner which is apparently fine to some on here and the OP is awful for not wanting to be part of that! It does seem that you may not be compatible and I think the only way this relationship has any sign of surviving is if you both live separately until the SD is a bit older at least.

Your DP sounds like a crap partner and a crap father. He doesn't want to parent his DC hence guilt-tripping you in to spending all your time together. He can't even offer the basics of a decent diet. He is the problem here - if DSD didn't exist he'd still be a knob.

Why don't you just not live together?

This relationship isn’t right ! 6 year old is no 1 and she should come way ahead of you. I don’t understand why you hooked up and got engaged to a man with a young child who makes it crystal clear he wants a family set up. I see why his family aren’t keen on you to be honest.

I don’t think you’re a bad person and I get this set up isn’t ideal, but you should never got engaged with it this way.

Sorry, but if you take on a DP with a 6yo DD you need to be prepared to step up. If you don’t fancy what it entails, and it’s fine if you don’t, you leave them both now. It’s unfair on them both to stay.

And going forward avoid dating people with children. Just be prepared that future DPs may feel the same way about your DD, so you may risk alienating her if you settle with someone who has no interest in developing a relationship with your child either.

So you’d much rather the poor kid would be treated as a pariah. Wow you’re a piece of work. If you were a man posting this you’d get chewed alive.

This!

OP I don't blame you and I'd feel the same. He's expecting you to parent his child.

But that being said, it's a terrible idea to get involved with a man with a small child for this very reason, and I wouldn't have done so in the first place.

@Bathtimeblues2

"I didn’t sign up to be a surrogate mother"!!

Your heart is not in it, it is not fair for anyone involved in this dynamic, especially the little girl.

Let them go, your partner needs to be free to find someone that isn't resentful of his DD.

Absolutely not annoyed but this. A PP highlighted the difference between my family and DP’s family