Page 20 | AIBU to just fade out of her life

Bathtimeblues2 · 2025-01-01T16:17:29+00:00

I know I probably am but my goodness I feel so crap! DP has DD 6, Iv known her for about 4 years formally as ‘step mum’ although me and DP have known each other for about 20 years. I was not OW! Just want to be clear. I have DD 15. I can’t stand the politics around SD or if I am really honest the raising of a 6yr old again. Thing is DP wants happy family moments all the time and I just can’t force it and it’s starting to show. She is a good little girl, funny, sweet, I care for her but I don’t want my free time occupied by little kid stuff. I feel like Iv done my time with that and it was never the plan for me to be this involved again. Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting. I encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her and he does a bit but as soon as me or my DD come in it’s ’right now we can all go to the park together’ etc . Even if I really can’t be bothered! She has a terrible diet so it’s literally pot noodle and breadsticks for dinner all the time and it all just grates on me. His family don’t approve of our relationship because they wanted him to stay single so they are very weird about me and my DD, for example after we got engaged they said he should have bought SD a ring and still go on about that and other weird stuff. Like at Christmas bought my daughter a B&M make up set (she was grateful and we didn’t expect anything) but they have to make this whole thing about - ‘well obviously you are not our granddaughter etc’ we don’t care!! I know I’m being unreasonable but I really just can’t be arsed with it all. I love DP we have an awesome relationship would be very sad to lose it. Need some advice on how to get over myself tbh! I just want to slowly do less with SD and have a bit more time to myself! But I know it will upset DP who sees it as a rejection of SD.

Wizzardry · 03/01/2025 07:44

PeppyGreenFinch · 02/01/2025 23:04

What could his side of the story be that means you are so harsh on OP despite all the insight into this man’s controlling behaviour such as telling her when to shower and where to work in the house?

Show quote history

It's predictable that some posters latch onto one comment by OP and blow it up @PeppyGreenFinch

IMO he didn't tell her she couldn't shower.
He asked if she could postpone it while he did something else.

Now, okay, that may not be reasonable - we don't know exactly what happened.
But on the other hand, where is the OP's assertiveness here?
Why isn't she saying how she feels at the time? Why come to a forum to complain?

Most couples would start a conversation - 'Well, actually, I've just come home from work and would like to shower now, if you can hold off going out for 20 minutes.'

Someone's behaviour is only controlling if you allow it and do what they say.

There is nothing in all the OP's posts where I'm seeing that she's sat down with her fiance and had a serious and sensible discussion over the amount of time she gives to his child and how she feels he's asking too much.

Her posts here show she clearly feels angry, but is not capable of talking it through with him on a serious 'make or break' level.

Ultimately this is not going to work.
They want different things.

There will be women out there who will a) love him and b) be 100% behind parenting a step daughter aged 6. It's just not @Bathtimeblues2

No point complaining - just end it.

Deliaskis · 03/01/2025 13:03

@Wizzardry he wasn't asking her to shower so he could do something else, it was so she spent time in the same room as him and the SD, as he would prefer. It wasn't a 'can you do x so I can pop out and get y', which would be far more reasonable. It was an expectation that she arranged her day around spending as much time as possible in one room as one family unit, to the detriment of other things she needed or wanted to do (like work and shower).

In all honesty, I don't know any non-blended 'original' families who arrange their time in such a weird and impractical way, so what he is trying to create is completely artificial. I can only imagine the look on my DH's face if he said he was having a shower and I said 'can't you wait until DD has gone to bed so we can all sit here together spending family time together'.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/01/2025 13:44

PeppyGreenFinch · 02/01/2025 18:45

A man’s desperation is not a woman’s problem.

We need to stop co-optimg women into making men feel better.

Show quote history

Amen 🙏

“Poor, desperate man just looking for a mother figure” also shuts her up if she mentions the pot noodle dinner.

And again for the people at the back THE LITTLE GIRL HAS A MUM.

Critsey · 03/01/2025 22:05

Deliaskis · 03/01/2025 13:03

@Wizzardry he wasn't asking her to shower so he could do something else, it was so she spent time in the same room as him and the SD, as he would prefer. It wasn't a 'can you do x so I can pop out and get y', which would be far more reasonable. It was an expectation that she arranged her day around spending as much time as possible in one room as one family unit, to the detriment of other things she needed or wanted to do (like work and shower).

In all honesty, I don't know any non-blended 'original' families who arrange their time in such a weird and impractical way, so what he is trying to create is completely artificial. I can only imagine the look on my DH's face if he said he was having a shower and I said 'can't you wait until DD has gone to bed so we can all sit here together spending family time together'.

Agreed.
Most parents try to get things cleared away so they can grab downtime after children are in bed when they share children.

He wants a skivvy aupair, not a partner.

rebus · 03/01/2025 22:55

@Wizzardry , I'm puzzled that you seem insistent to find a way to blame OP for this situation. Earlier, you insisted you saw no evidence that she tried to talk to him. She's mentioned:

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.
But he acts like Iv been awful and selfish if I say anything.
DP could help by being less dramatic about the constant pressure to spend time together, but he won’t.
…I have gently tried to explain the differences but it goes over his head, I’m just awful for even suggesting I am not thrilled to spend time with SD after a 12 hour shift.

OP has tried to talk to him, but he either isn’t listening, or doesn't seem capable of understanding these concepts. OP has worried that she is BU, while that never occurred to him about himself, which made it easier for both of them to disregard her PoV.

@Bathtimeblues2 I suspect you’ve been a frog in slowly boiling water. Things were as you both discussed when you started dating 4 years ago, and as recently as 2 years ago. SD called you by your name, not stepmum, separate presents, etc. per your boundaries. Then the relentless encroachment upon what you both had agreed upon has eroded your time and mental space within the past 2 years (after he increased his time to 50/50 with your 'support’--at your house since you are kind), and your DP has blown past the gentle way you’ve tried to discuss this with him. And you allowed this to happen since you didn’t want to upset him or make him unhappy and since you wanted to be kind. But this is taking a toll at your expense, and it sounds like you are at a breaking point.

I hope this thread helps make clear that what you need and have had in the in the past is reasonable, and that you can take steps to return to sanity. You shouldn’t be on the verge of tears, no one should be telling you what to do, and training you how to act in your own home (total ick).
Options:

Have that direct, blunt conversation with your DP. He won’t like it, but being gentle hasn’t worked, and at some point, you need to make yourself crystal clear. You need to be mentally ready to end it before taking this step. You might get lucky, and your DP might be able to finally, finally understand, but as many suspect, it's more likely that you'll both simply confirm that you want different things regardless of who is right. Many of the points in this thread might help frame things in a way he might finally understand.
That said, your title (AIBU to just fade out of her life) might be worth a try before the big convo. Simply say no to the things you don’t want to do, in the same gentle manner that you’ve been acquiescing. Live your life, take your time. Let DP be unhappy (rather than yourself!), let him take on his responsibilities and figure things out. You can choose whether to explain at each juncture why you are not eating breadsticks and pot noodles at 5pm, or just half smile and gently but firmly continue on your way to the shower.
Perhaps take the initiative and define the ‘Family Time’ elements that YOU are willing to do ahead of time. You and your daughter have an annual trip. Perhaps the 4 of you set up a different (shorter) annual overnight trip? Your DP does not get to dictate that he joins you, but setting up an alternate trip might help to create the sense of family structure that he craves? Perhaps get ahead of him by letting him know what you are willing to do. Perhaps 1 small family outing (or family evening) a week during the 50% she is with you per week? Frankly, most non-blended families don’t manage more than that!
Are you two up for counselling? Your DP seems to be living in a (selfish) fantasy world. He has no idea what a real family is like. His previous family (with his ex) and his family of origin each seem to have had their own issues. There are multiple PP from both blended and non-blended families that have different ways of doing things outside of his rigid (and extremely selfish) expectations. PP have pointed out his hypocrisy in expecting you to schedule your work and shower to times your SD is not available, but he toodles off to the gym during HIS time, dumping her on you. It’s beyond words that he’s made it clear you are not to discipline SD, despite all his other demands for you to parent her. He's an oblivious selfish hyprocrite when it comes to parenting SD. Having a 3rd party therapist point this out might help?
You seem to be aware that he will choose to leave if he doesn’t get his way, that he may not love you for you, as much as he wants free childcare or help offloading the emotional load (what he calls “Family Time”). You know him better than we do. The good bits do sound good, but are they worth everything else that you put up with when he refuses to make any compromises or see a PoV other than his own? Many PP have pointed out that it’s only going to get worse and I have to agree. I shuddered when a PP pointed out that as your own DD goes off to Uni in a few years, he will expect you to be 100% full on for SD…

While YANBU, you’ll have to make some decisions about whether this is worth it to you—and only you can decide. As another PP asked—what do you want OP? Is he worth everything that he’s demanding of you? Is it worth feeling the way that you feel in order to make him happy while you are miserable? You keep giving and giving, is it worth it to deny yourself what you need in order to keep him around? I hope this thread has given you a place to reflect on what you need, and some tools and options to take this forward (whatever it is you decide to do).

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/01/2025 23:52

Post by @rebus * above, · *Today 22:55 is absolutely spot on.

Original poster

Bathtimeblues2 · 04/01/2025 07:54

rebus · 03/01/2025 22:55

@Wizzardry , I'm puzzled that you seem insistent to find a way to blame OP for this situation. Earlier, you insisted you saw no evidence that she tried to talk to him. She's mentioned:

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.
But he acts like Iv been awful and selfish if I say anything.
DP could help by being less dramatic about the constant pressure to spend time together, but he won’t.
…I have gently tried to explain the differences but it goes over his head, I’m just awful for even suggesting I am not thrilled to spend time with SD after a 12 hour shift.

OP has tried to talk to him, but he either isn’t listening, or doesn't seem capable of understanding these concepts. OP has worried that she is BU, while that never occurred to him about himself, which made it easier for both of them to disregard her PoV.

@Bathtimeblues2 I suspect you’ve been a frog in slowly boiling water. Things were as you both discussed when you started dating 4 years ago, and as recently as 2 years ago. SD called you by your name, not stepmum, separate presents, etc. per your boundaries. Then the relentless encroachment upon what you both had agreed upon has eroded your time and mental space within the past 2 years (after he increased his time to 50/50 with your 'support’--at your house since you are kind), and your DP has blown past the gentle way you’ve tried to discuss this with him. And you allowed this to happen since you didn’t want to upset him or make him unhappy and since you wanted to be kind. But this is taking a toll at your expense, and it sounds like you are at a breaking point.

I hope this thread helps make clear that what you need and have had in the in the past is reasonable, and that you can take steps to return to sanity. You shouldn’t be on the verge of tears, no one should be telling you what to do, and training you how to act in your own home (total ick).
Options:

Have that direct, blunt conversation with your DP. He won’t like it, but being gentle hasn’t worked, and at some point, you need to make yourself crystal clear. You need to be mentally ready to end it before taking this step. You might get lucky, and your DP might be able to finally, finally understand, but as many suspect, it's more likely that you'll both simply confirm that you want different things regardless of who is right. Many of the points in this thread might help frame things in a way he might finally understand.
That said, your title (AIBU to just fade out of her life) might be worth a try before the big convo. Simply say no to the things you don’t want to do, in the same gentle manner that you’ve been acquiescing. Live your life, take your time. Let DP be unhappy (rather than yourself!), let him take on his responsibilities and figure things out. You can choose whether to explain at each juncture why you are not eating breadsticks and pot noodles at 5pm, or just half smile and gently but firmly continue on your way to the shower.
Perhaps take the initiative and define the ‘Family Time’ elements that YOU are willing to do ahead of time. You and your daughter have an annual trip. Perhaps the 4 of you set up a different (shorter) annual overnight trip? Your DP does not get to dictate that he joins you, but setting up an alternate trip might help to create the sense of family structure that he craves? Perhaps get ahead of him by letting him know what you are willing to do. Perhaps 1 small family outing (or family evening) a week during the 50% she is with you per week? Frankly, most non-blended families don’t manage more than that!
Are you two up for counselling? Your DP seems to be living in a (selfish) fantasy world. He has no idea what a real family is like. His previous family (with his ex) and his family of origin each seem to have had their own issues. There are multiple PP from both blended and non-blended families that have different ways of doing things outside of his rigid (and extremely selfish) expectations. PP have pointed out his hypocrisy in expecting you to schedule your work and shower to times your SD is not available, but he toodles off to the gym during HIS time, dumping her on you. It’s beyond words that he’s made it clear you are not to discipline SD, despite all his other demands for you to parent her. He's an oblivious selfish hyprocrite when it comes to parenting SD. Having a 3rd party therapist point this out might help?
You seem to be aware that he will choose to leave if he doesn’t get his way, that he may not love you for you, as much as he wants free childcare or help offloading the emotional load (what he calls “Family Time”). You know him better than we do. The good bits do sound good, but are they worth everything else that you put up with when he refuses to make any compromises or see a PoV other than his own? Many PP have pointed out that it’s only going to get worse and I have to agree. I shuddered when a PP pointed out that as your own DD goes off to Uni in a few years, he will expect you to be 100% full on for SD…

While YANBU, you’ll have to make some decisions about whether this is worth it to you—and only you can decide. As another PP asked—what do you want OP? Is he worth everything that he’s demanding of you? Is it worth feeling the way that you feel in order to make him happy while you are miserable? You keep giving and giving, is it worth it to deny yourself what you need in order to keep him around? I hope this thread has given you a place to reflect on what you need, and some tools and options to take this forward (whatever it is you decide to do).

really helpful post, thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Bathtimeblues2 · 04/01/2025 08:08

Quick update:

Not last night night before, I sat DP down and explained how all of this was making me feel. He got very defensive, listed lots of reasons as to why SD is wonderful and young and he just couldn’t see my point.

Very frosty all day yesterday. Then last night he came up and wanted to talk about it.

I gave him some examples of times which he feels I have misread, but admitted he struggles with his own standard of parenting, as in, he wants SD to have 100% attention, fun, interaction all the time and it exhausts him so he wants me to give to her in his place. I gently explained that it is unreasonable parenting. That no child receives 100% of any parent 100% of the time. He mentioned feeling intimated that my DD is so well turned out as in she is independent, kind, smart etc and feels he bad is SD whinges or acts up/ungrateful etc so he also does anything she wants all the time to prevent her from being inconvenienced . I explained that young kids do this it isn’t a sign of parenting failure! He also actually thought that because they live in my house he felt he HAD to include me in every single thing with SD or I may feel pushed out in my own home? Reassured him this was absolutely not the case. He did not agree that I had been much less hands on in the beginning but again I had to explain that helping on a day out to the beach is very different to not being able to shower when I want!

Long story short, I told him that if things do not change, as in, I get my autonomy back he and stops being so OTT with the pressure around SD, then I would end the relationship because I wasn’t happy. He was horrified that I would even think that but I think it highlighted to him how seriously I was taking this.

Plan is for him to spend some designated 1:1 time with SD knowing I do not feel left out 🙄 and him not to comment on my movements in the house when SD is there (or any other time) and that I will spend time with them as I do currently when I am able to.

I reassured him that SD is fine, she does not need 100% attention all the time, she wouldn’t get this at school or with her mum etc because it’s just not realistic. He seemed to agree with this yet I could feel he was uncomfortable with the thought.

We shall see. Will update the thread again with how this all plays out.

OP posts:

AnonAnonmystery · 04/01/2025 08:23

Great update and well done,
It is actually good for children to be left to their devices ( I don’t mean with iPad btw) as it will encourage independence and creativity. Stuff like leaving them with imaginary role play, Lego, simple colouring and arts and crafts. My younger dd was incredibly self sufficient as a young child and through lockdown became even more self managed as I was wfh with very demanding job. She’s done so well academically because of this and doesn’t rely on me to help her solve any problems where are older dd though clever too sounds like your sd as I pandered to her every need!

mumedu · 04/01/2025 08:43

rebus · 03/01/2025 22:55

@Wizzardry , I'm puzzled that you seem insistent to find a way to blame OP for this situation. Earlier, you insisted you saw no evidence that she tried to talk to him. She's mentioned:

Iv tried to speak to DP but he insists he was clear he wanted a family for him and SD and that’s what he’s getting.
But he acts like Iv been awful and selfish if I say anything.
DP could help by being less dramatic about the constant pressure to spend time together, but he won’t.
…I have gently tried to explain the differences but it goes over his head, I’m just awful for even suggesting I am not thrilled to spend time with SD after a 12 hour shift.

OP has tried to talk to him, but he either isn’t listening, or doesn't seem capable of understanding these concepts. OP has worried that she is BU, while that never occurred to him about himself, which made it easier for both of them to disregard her PoV.

@Bathtimeblues2 I suspect you’ve been a frog in slowly boiling water. Things were as you both discussed when you started dating 4 years ago, and as recently as 2 years ago. SD called you by your name, not stepmum, separate presents, etc. per your boundaries. Then the relentless encroachment upon what you both had agreed upon has eroded your time and mental space within the past 2 years (after he increased his time to 50/50 with your 'support’--at your house since you are kind), and your DP has blown past the gentle way you’ve tried to discuss this with him. And you allowed this to happen since you didn’t want to upset him or make him unhappy and since you wanted to be kind. But this is taking a toll at your expense, and it sounds like you are at a breaking point.

I hope this thread helps make clear that what you need and have had in the in the past is reasonable, and that you can take steps to return to sanity. You shouldn’t be on the verge of tears, no one should be telling you what to do, and training you how to act in your own home (total ick).
Options:

Have that direct, blunt conversation with your DP. He won’t like it, but being gentle hasn’t worked, and at some point, you need to make yourself crystal clear. You need to be mentally ready to end it before taking this step. You might get lucky, and your DP might be able to finally, finally understand, but as many suspect, it's more likely that you'll both simply confirm that you want different things regardless of who is right. Many of the points in this thread might help frame things in a way he might finally understand.
That said, your title (AIBU to just fade out of her life) might be worth a try before the big convo. Simply say no to the things you don’t want to do, in the same gentle manner that you’ve been acquiescing. Live your life, take your time. Let DP be unhappy (rather than yourself!), let him take on his responsibilities and figure things out. You can choose whether to explain at each juncture why you are not eating breadsticks and pot noodles at 5pm, or just half smile and gently but firmly continue on your way to the shower.
Perhaps take the initiative and define the ‘Family Time’ elements that YOU are willing to do ahead of time. You and your daughter have an annual trip. Perhaps the 4 of you set up a different (shorter) annual overnight trip? Your DP does not get to dictate that he joins you, but setting up an alternate trip might help to create the sense of family structure that he craves? Perhaps get ahead of him by letting him know what you are willing to do. Perhaps 1 small family outing (or family evening) a week during the 50% she is with you per week? Frankly, most non-blended families don’t manage more than that!
Are you two up for counselling? Your DP seems to be living in a (selfish) fantasy world. He has no idea what a real family is like. His previous family (with his ex) and his family of origin each seem to have had their own issues. There are multiple PP from both blended and non-blended families that have different ways of doing things outside of his rigid (and extremely selfish) expectations. PP have pointed out his hypocrisy in expecting you to schedule your work and shower to times your SD is not available, but he toodles off to the gym during HIS time, dumping her on you. It’s beyond words that he’s made it clear you are not to discipline SD, despite all his other demands for you to parent her. He's an oblivious selfish hyprocrite when it comes to parenting SD. Having a 3rd party therapist point this out might help?
You seem to be aware that he will choose to leave if he doesn’t get his way, that he may not love you for you, as much as he wants free childcare or help offloading the emotional load (what he calls “Family Time”). You know him better than we do. The good bits do sound good, but are they worth everything else that you put up with when he refuses to make any compromises or see a PoV other than his own? Many PP have pointed out that it’s only going to get worse and I have to agree. I shuddered when a PP pointed out that as your own DD goes off to Uni in a few years, he will expect you to be 100% full on for SD…

While YANBU, you’ll have to make some decisions about whether this is worth it to you—and only you can decide. As another PP asked—what do you want OP? Is he worth everything that he’s demanding of you? Is it worth feeling the way that you feel in order to make him happy while you are miserable? You keep giving and giving, is it worth it to deny yourself what you need in order to keep him around? I hope this thread has given you a place to reflect on what you need, and some tools and options to take this forward (whatever it is you decide to do).

This is the most thoughtful post I've read on Mumsnet.

PeppyGreenFinch · 04/01/2025 10:01

Bathtimeblues2 · 04/01/2025 08:08

Quick update:

Not last night night before, I sat DP down and explained how all of this was making me feel. He got very defensive, listed lots of reasons as to why SD is wonderful and young and he just couldn’t see my point.

Very frosty all day yesterday. Then last night he came up and wanted to talk about it.

I gave him some examples of times which he feels I have misread, but admitted he struggles with his own standard of parenting, as in, he wants SD to have 100% attention, fun, interaction all the time and it exhausts him so he wants me to give to her in his place. I gently explained that it is unreasonable parenting. That no child receives 100% of any parent 100% of the time. He mentioned feeling intimated that my DD is so well turned out as in she is independent, kind, smart etc and feels he bad is SD whinges or acts up/ungrateful etc so he also does anything she wants all the time to prevent her from being inconvenienced . I explained that young kids do this it isn’t a sign of parenting failure! He also actually thought that because they live in my house he felt he HAD to include me in every single thing with SD or I may feel pushed out in my own home? Reassured him this was absolutely not the case. He did not agree that I had been much less hands on in the beginning but again I had to explain that helping on a day out to the beach is very different to not being able to shower when I want!

Long story short, I told him that if things do not change, as in, I get my autonomy back he and stops being so OTT with the pressure around SD, then I would end the relationship because I wasn’t happy. He was horrified that I would even think that but I think it highlighted to him how seriously I was taking this.

Plan is for him to spend some designated 1:1 time with SD knowing I do not feel left out 🙄 and him not to comment on my movements in the house when SD is there (or any other time) and that I will spend time with them as I do currently when I am able to.

I reassured him that SD is fine, she does not need 100% attention all the time, she wouldn’t get this at school or with her mum etc because it’s just not realistic. He seemed to agree with this yet I could feel he was uncomfortable with the thought.

We shall see. Will update the thread again with how this all plays out.

Edited

Glad you had the talk and laid it all on the line.

I have my doubts that he will change but at least he knows you will end the relationship if he doesn’t.

Ohnobackagain · 04/01/2025 10:02

Absolutely @Bathtimeblues2 he is fixated on his blueprint for parenting, which is unrealistic and borne out of his past trauma with the break up and the guilt from that (even if he wasn’t in the wrong etc). He can clearly see you parent well and wants that, but doesn’t see the path to get there. He thinks letting his dd get away with things defuses the situation but you know it just kicks the problem down the road … sounds like you might have had a bit of a breakthrough in this conversation!

Critsey · 04/01/2025 10:10

Well done OP.
I can believe he was horrified at the thought of moving out.
Watch him very very carefully.
Enforce your free time ruthlessly.
Do EXACTLY as you please with your free time.
Do not allow him to slow boil you as he has so that you are crying quietly in your own home.

I think it will be very very difficult for such a controlling manipulative man to change but I respect that you want to give him the chance.

Please NEVER be conned into marrying him, it would be a disaster for you and your daughter.
His type would see the wedding as you caught and stuck.

Keep your finances 100% seperate.

MrsPeterHarris · 04/01/2025 12:23

Critsey · 04/01/2025 10:10

Well done OP.
I can believe he was horrified at the thought of moving out.
Watch him very very carefully.
Enforce your free time ruthlessly.
Do EXACTLY as you please with your free time.
Do not allow him to slow boil you as he has so that you are crying quietly in your own home.

I think it will be very very difficult for such a controlling manipulative man to change but I respect that you want to give him the chance.

Please NEVER be conned into marrying him, it would be a disaster for you and your daughter.
His type would see the wedding as you caught and stuck.

Keep your finances 100% seperate.

This is great advice!

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 04/01/2025 13:16

DP said to @Bathtimeblues2 that he felt intimidated that 'my DD is so well turned out as in she is independent, kind, smart etc and feels he bad is SD whinges or acts up/ungrateful etc so he also does anything she wants all the time to prevent her from being inconvenienced'

He doesn't make the connection of his SD, OP's DD, being independent precisely because her mum doesn't attempt the unrealistic goal of 100% parenting! As for preventing his daughter from being inconvenienced - does he plan to be her lackey for the rest of his life? Doesn't he realise it's a child's 'job' to be demanding and push boundaries, while it's a parent's job to manage their expectations and raise them to be independent, kind, and thoughtful human beings.

Well, the talk between OP and her DP appears to have gone well but let's see how well he listened, see how soon he regresses. That comfortable home he's in is a privilege and not a right, he would do well to remember that.

On a possibly too personal a note, I hope OP has gold-plated contraception in place - an accident would be as disastrous as marrying him!

Critsey · 04/01/2025 13:26

Oh and the way he is parenting his daughter is a sure fire way for the teen years to be a shit show.

Do you know what a teen shit show is like?
Demanding teens that have never experienced No, think the whole world evolves around them and everyone must be available 24/7 for them and their needs?

Do you really want to be around for that in a decades time when your daughter is 26 and loving life and you are being impacted by the above and he thinks you need to suck it up?

Just don't marry him or ever put yourself in a situation that you cannot extract yourself from quickly.

You will be absolutely furious with yourself if you do, .....knowing that you knew he was a controlling manipulative twat at this stage.

rebus · 04/01/2025 18:42

Well done OP!!! Glad he's managed a breakthrough, and hope he see it through!!!

Sceptical123 · 05/01/2025 00:31

Bathtimeblues2 · 04/01/2025 08:08

Quick update:

Not last night night before, I sat DP down and explained how all of this was making me feel. He got very defensive, listed lots of reasons as to why SD is wonderful and young and he just couldn’t see my point.

Very frosty all day yesterday. Then last night he came up and wanted to talk about it.

I gave him some examples of times which he feels I have misread, but admitted he struggles with his own standard of parenting, as in, he wants SD to have 100% attention, fun, interaction all the time and it exhausts him so he wants me to give to her in his place. I gently explained that it is unreasonable parenting. That no child receives 100% of any parent 100% of the time. He mentioned feeling intimated that my DD is so well turned out as in she is independent, kind, smart etc and feels he bad is SD whinges or acts up/ungrateful etc so he also does anything she wants all the time to prevent her from being inconvenienced . I explained that young kids do this it isn’t a sign of parenting failure! He also actually thought that because they live in my house he felt he HAD to include me in every single thing with SD or I may feel pushed out in my own home? Reassured him this was absolutely not the case. He did not agree that I had been much less hands on in the beginning but again I had to explain that helping on a day out to the beach is very different to not being able to shower when I want!

Long story short, I told him that if things do not change, as in, I get my autonomy back he and stops being so OTT with the pressure around SD, then I would end the relationship because I wasn’t happy. He was horrified that I would even think that but I think it highlighted to him how seriously I was taking this.

Plan is for him to spend some designated 1:1 time with SD knowing I do not feel left out 🙄 and him not to comment on my movements in the house when SD is there (or any other time) and that I will spend time with them as I do currently when I am able to.

I reassured him that SD is fine, she does not need 100% attention all the time, she wouldn’t get this at school or with her mum etc because it’s just not realistic. He seemed to agree with this yet I could feel he was uncomfortable with the thought.

We shall see. Will update the thread again with how this all plays out.

Edited

he wants SD to have 100% attention, fun, interaction all the time and it exhausts him so he wants me to give to her in his place.

So he wants you to do something which he admits ‘exhausts’ him bc he still wants it done, despite the fact it’s not your child and it mentally if not physically exhausts you too.

So he doesn’t give a shit about your well being and he’s actually told you this right here. It’s his 1:1 contact time he should be stepping up or reducing his time - NOT foisting it onto you so his ex doesn’t ‘win’ or his daughter resents him for only having her for the times she doesn’t act like a typical young child, bc he can’t cope!

He’s a pathetic loser trying to guilt trip you into doing the parenting he can’t be arsed with. His ideal way of parenting is on him and if he can’t be bothered to do it himself it’s certainly not your problem.

SidhuVicious · 05/01/2025 06:48

OMGitsnotgood · 01/01/2025 16:21

The choice is simple: DP and his daughter or end the relationship completely.

This tbh

kittycloud · 05/01/2025 07:07

I think it'd be better if you found a child free man, this arrangement isn't working for you.

NettleTea · 05/01/2025 12:56

Sceptical123 · 05/01/2025 00:31

he wants SD to have 100% attention, fun, interaction all the time and it exhausts him so he wants me to give to her in his place.

So he wants you to do something which he admits ‘exhausts’ him bc he still wants it done, despite the fact it’s not your child and it mentally if not physically exhausts you too.

So he doesn’t give a shit about your well being and he’s actually told you this right here. It’s his 1:1 contact time he should be stepping up or reducing his time - NOT foisting it onto you so his ex doesn’t ‘win’ or his daughter resents him for only having her for the times she doesn’t act like a typical young child, bc he can’t cope!

He’s a pathetic loser trying to guilt trip you into doing the parenting he can’t be arsed with. His ideal way of parenting is on him and if he can’t be bothered to do it himself it’s certainly not your problem.

Show quote history

Im afraid I agree with this. He wants to be 100% Disney Dad, never saying no, never having to deal with the usual winges and whining that comes with kids, but he finds it hard. and he finds the behaviour when he says no hard.

He seems to think you can take over because you are a good parent, and he is tired of it all, but without actually giving you the ability to actually parent, because his idea of parenting is warped beyond belief, and he insists on you doing it his way.

And if he has actually taken on board that his way is incorrect - that giving the child 100% attention, and always allowing her to have her own way / eat what she wants, expect complete control is harmful and no way to parent, then things are going to get alot tougher if he starts to put some boundaries in, or reduces the attention - so do you think he is going to be capable of doing that, if his 'easy road' approach was too exhausting. I can see him turning to you for support, as after all it was your ideas that will have rung the change. In an ideal world he would take himself off for some parenting courses, and get outside help to offload/reflect with - but I cant see it tbh, as thats going to have to eat into his 50% off time.

I can imagine he is going to come to OP and expect her to tell him how to do it, so rather than getting your free time to step away a bit, its all going to be focused back on him as a parenting adviser.

NettleTea · 05/01/2025 12:58

just as an aside - did his new job which gave him more free time, and his 50% contact, come round as a result of him moving in with you? Or coincide with the 'engagement'?

outerspacepotato · 05/01/2025 13:05

You've laid it out for him, now change is up to him while keeping boundaries is up to you. He's slid into this controlling behaviour very easily once he got settled into your place with his daughter. I think he's going to be testing your boundaries soon.

Critsey · 05/01/2025 13:13

He absolutely wants the OP to be his sounding board and aupair and when it all goes tits up in a few years and the OP is stressed out of her mind he will subtly blame her somehow.

He is just another grifter father looking for any woman to do the heavy lifting.

Perhaps it will take the OP a few more years of her time being wasted for her to realise this.

It is her daughter I feel most sorry for because this will percolate in the background and sour this time with her mother when she needs her focus and energy as she faces education decisions that will affect her future

I have absolutely no doubt that the OP will continue to feel deep unease about this whole arrangement that only benefits a man that's sole focus is his needs and pockets.

He went for 50/50 when he struggles with parenting on the basis that he could manipulate the OP and her free time so she could be free childcare.

How she finds this knowledge tolerable is worrying.

Critsey · 05/01/2025 13:25

OP, you are coming into a period where your daughter needs your time, your focus and a stress free environment so that she can give her exams, college choices and any transitions her full focus.

Do not mess up with your own daughter because you were clearly being manipulated by a selfish man looking after his interests.