Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Most of us get that it was a planned event on a special occasion OP, don’t won’t.

It’s only a few who desperately want to be argumentative comparing it to a Mum trying to get a bit of badly needed sleep and a man who couldn’t be arsed to care for his children on a run of the mill day.

my ex is a bit like this in some ways (he is very good with DS in others) - but cannot cope with imaginative play and more “unstructured” fun. He looks physically pained even SEEING me wrestle with DS, tickling him, etc.

each to their own, and no, nobody should be forced to be something they aren’t, and yes ND can be a factor - but I think there’s another issue at play, which is that men like my ex, and the OPs partner, and other men I know of in relationships with my friends (and yea it does tend to be men that do this) - make it uncomfortable for the other partner / child(ren) who DO have a more playful dynamic, and cast a long shadow across family life by not just opting out- but making their silent displeasure/ disinterest very apparent.

I hear you OP. I’m not sure what the answer is though. In mine it wasnt a factor in our separation at the time; I think it may have grown to be.

That’s a very telling comment.

He does make effort and enjoy life…he takes your DD fossil hunting and they enjoy that.

A game of Trivial Pursuit isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t mean he isn’t making an effort, it doesn’t mean he isn’t playing and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy life.

I think your problem is that you don’t like him very much. You don’t enjoy life with him. And neither of those things are because he is flawed as a person.

Sometimes

The rest of the time he can’t be arsed with his daughter. How often do you think he’s taken her “fossil hunting”?
How many hours a day do you think he actually spends engaging with her?

But it’s not like this was the only time dad hasn’t played with his DD, sounds like his norm is to do his own thing and occasionally let DD join in with what he is doing. If he had been playing with DD all day and was then having a break and DD woke him up then that would be wrong, but it just sounds like he tries to get out of parenting whenever possible.

@Newyearnothingchanges does he ever take an active interest in DD, the raising and care of her, etc WITHOUT prompting ?

So, does he talk to her, ask her about school/whatever ,does he know her friends, her favourite colour, does he read to her, take her swimming , soft play, bday parties etc.?

I think it depends on upbringing really.

My childhood was not a typical one and as children, we were entertained by a combination of paid helpers and other family members. I don't recall board games, card games or anything like physical play with my parents. Indeed much of the time we were left to our own devices and played with the neighbours' children. Sometimes dad would give us money to go to the pictures, ice skating, swimming or some other pursuit whilst he carried on working (self-employed).

To be fair, the upside of this made us more independent and resilient adults, but as none of us became parents of our own children (various reasons why), I'm not sure what sort of parent I would have become.

Maybe your DH had a similar distant relationship with his own parents which may explain his approach to parenthood.

@StormingNorman He does make effort and enjoy life…he takes your DD fossil hunting and they enjoy that.

He takes DD on activities he enjoys, not that she has expressed interest in according to a previous comment from OP. That’s selfish.

She said her daughter does enjoy it.

Exactly. It’s quite sad even when extended family like aunts and uncles do that- only engage with children of the family when it’s something they already enjoy, rather than taking an interest in them.

When it’s a parent, it’s bad parenting.

He rarely does this without prompting from me and again, it’s him that likes looking for fossils, Dd didn’t express an interest

@steff13 I went by this comment from OP

She enjoys spending time with her dad. Even the little scraps he gives.

You don't know that it's only because it's time with him. Some people genuinely enjoy things like that. And it's ok to share your interests with your kids.

She didn't say that's the only time she spends with him though. Those are examples of things they do together. The man isn't automatically in the wrong.

Activities which OP said her daughter also enjoys.

If that was true, she’d be asking mum to take her.
She doesn’t. She doesn’t even ask her dad to take her. She just happily accepts his attention when he deigns it not too inconvenient.

@steff13 no, OP said they watch TV and such together. Which I’m guessing is also something DH is happy with doing.

The issue is him being one sided. It wouldn’t kill him to play with his kid.

I’m not sure if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me.

I think you may think you’ve uncovered some kind of “unconscious bias”.

I was actually quite deliberate in my use of genders because it’s so common that it’s the mum that rarely gets a break and is exhausted, and the dad who can’t be bothered to parent his kids for a short while. It not universally the case but it’s common, and there’s no point us pretending there’s complete parity with “if the boot was on the other foot” type comments.

I will never get married because to me the idea of my husband waking me up when I’m asleep and then expecting me to be all bubbly and playful, absolutely blows my mind.
And I’m shocked anyone thinks that this is normal and ok

People In happy relationships don’t do this @Wonderi because we like our partners and don’t expect them to be somebody else.

You’re placing too much emphasis on it being NYE. You were just mooching about at home. You should have played a game for two and let him sleep.

It really sounds like a lot of pressure to perform Having Fun.

He had to get up to eat the takeaway.

So he could have been allowed to go back to sleep after or he could have had the leftovers when he woke up or he could have just made himself something when he woke up.

You reap what you sow. If he won't invest his energy in his dd it will show when she's older and prioritising her time.

My ex could never be bothered to play with kids. Never went to their events etc They see him 4/5 times a year now.

It's his loss they are amazing.

Ffs is it too much to expect a two hours family thing together for an excited Dd on NYE?!