Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Well, make your 2025 focus be sorting this. You need to make sure you have options and aren’t stuck in a marriage that makes you miserable.

Yes, for sure x

What a sad post this is. Naturally a child needs to be fed and have a bed to sleep etc. in but their basic emotional need is a connection to the parent.
Read Gordon Neufelds books,

I’m interested to know why it’s a sad post? What did you take from it?

Yes absolutely. Most of your posts make me think undiagnosed neurodivergence is involved here.

What many neurotypical people struggle to understand is just how excruciating it can feel for us neurodivergent folks to do something we dislike. Its not that we can't/dont want to just suck it up and do things that aren't interesting or are actively unpleasant, it's that its just. so. much. harder. Because this is such a subjective thing, people whose brains are different tend to think the other is just choosing to behave poorly (i.e. "if i can do it, why cant you?")

Being diagnosed and accessing suitable medication (at the age of 43) made things like imaginative play easier for me to engage in, although I still didn't enjoy it, it made it possible for me to suck it up and engage for a bit. The best way I can try and explain what it is like is to say that my whole brain is filled with ALL the flashing lights and ALL the screaming sirens saying to FIND SOMETHING ELSE ANYTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW!!! Medication quietens that down.

Unfortunately, for most late or undiagnosed neurodivergent people, comorbidites like depression (which also seems apparent from your posts) are really, really common. Our self esteem ends up in the gutter from a lifetime of being misunderstood, and people thinking we are just lazy, selfish etc instead of just different (some research indicates that children with adhd recieve an average of 20,000 more negative social messages than neurotypical children by the age of ten).

Obviously it is also common for these things to compound - low self esteem and shame combined with frequent negative messages from those around us tends to push those messages into becoming self-fulfilling. It can't be easy for you living with someone who is behaving the way your husband is (while you have the expectations you currently have). I'd encourage you to start researching neurodivergence (although I'm guessing you already may have started doing this), and ways of negotiating your particular situation. 'A little understanding goes a long way' is such an appropriate adage for navigating neurological differences.

OP he’s just not the dad you want him to be. That doesn’t mean he isn’t a good dad. But you either accept him for who he is, or you let him go. Your dislike, disappointment and resentment of him is obvious and I can only imagine how it affects him. This relationship is grinding you both down.

I agree with all this. Your disdain is obvious but you have to realise you can't force another person to change and the more you try the worse the situation between you will become.

He should certainly spend time with his child but let him choose how to do this, stop trying to force him to behave in the way you want. I posted earlier about all the things that you said he does with her - so he is spending time with her but you're trying to decide for him how that time should be spent. Trying to get him to behave how you want to is clearly causing resentment on both sides so why keep trying to force the issue?

You'd be better off apart if you can't accept this. You both seem so unhappy

I also found it incredibly depressing, tbh. There is so much more to being a parent than providing for basic needs and then letting them become ‘self sufficient’. A 6 year old doesn’t need to be self sufficient and if they are, they’ve been failed.

Children thrive on attention and play. Engagement with their adult carers (usually parents) is one of the most important factors (some consider it to be THE most important factor) in their mental and emotional development. A playful indulgent parent is better than a background one.

What was your relationship like before your DD, though? Was he engaged/fun/playful?

You mentioned him being on the computer; has he tried gaming with her?

Well I mean, I didn’t mean leave them with a box of matches and a house key and let them get on with it. I said it’s important to provide care and that includes communication. It’s just unrealistic to think that all parents can or are the clowning around sort, also not all kids are either, I used to despair as a child when I had to attend another bloody kids party, I just wanted to quietly draw 😂

I said nothing about ‘clowning around’. There are many many ways to play with a child, to suits moods, situations and personality types.

Your initial comment contained things like:

it’s ok to just let or tell kids to go and play on their own or with friends and to leave the adults alone

My parents never did anything playful with me, I was self sufficient in that way

a playful indulgent parent isn’t better than a background one

You wanted to know why people might find that sad, and I responded.

Which medication do you take? Hope you don’t mind me asking that

Sorry that was in response to a pp

I did wonder 😂

Which medication do you take, if you don’t mind me asking?

She occasionally plays games on our phones, but don’t want to encourage it for as long as possible if I can

🤣🤣🤣

Disclaimer: only read about half the thread.

I’m an introvert with ADHD, and I just cringed reading the first post. He went from being asleep to being forced into doing silly things and being expected to act cheerful and upbeat about it? If I were in that situation, I’d have so much sensory overload, plus feel extremely annoyed that my physical need for sleep was apparently less important than OP’s “need” to rope me into Forced Family Fun Time. And expecting me to pretend to be happy about it would be the heinous cherry on top. (No offense, OP, I know you had good intentions.)

I have a six-year-old daughter myself. If she wants me to immediately do some activity she wants, and I don’t want to do it, I give her choices of other things we can do together. I might do the activity she wants later, but I need to have time to get into that frame of mind, not just be shoved into it. And when I need to rest, I really need to rest. I planned the number and spacing of my children so I wouldn’t be living in sensory overload. When the whole family is home, my husband and I talk through the day to plan out when I get a nap and/or time to myself.

Fair enough, but I think playing video games together - particularly co-operative ones - can be a really good family activity, and might be one that your DH finds easier. I think a game that they (or all of you) can play together would be much better than letting her play on your phone from time to time.

I have lots of great memories playing video games with my parents and grandparents as a youngster, and multi-player family-friendly games have improved massively since then.

Thank you @Ferrissia3 Having to play in the all singing all dancing style honestly made my blood run cold in many situations in my life. I just used to think (and was told from an early age) that I was “useless” with children. Not so! I’m neurodivergent and I find that some kids like to spend time with my more gentle approach to play.

It depends on whether he's engaged with her in other ways I think. My DH can't bear imaginary or creative play but he is great for wrestling, kicking a football around the park etc. I have autoimmune arthritis so I'm rarely up for physical play, but I'll happily put on a puppet show with DS and do other creative games. DS just accepts that mum is the one to go to for anything imaginative but if he wants rough and tumble, DH is the only port of call.

I can't really imagine DH wanting to play a game involving standing up with your arms in your jumper, perhaps it's different strokes for different folks. Will he play games that are less slapstick, or will he really not join in games AT ALL, of any kind? If it's the latter, I think he should suck it up sometimes quite frankly.

But this DH doesn’t seem to engage in any real play and very little interaction with his DD. And a child will notice when a parent ignores them. They will notice a background parent who does the bare minimum with them, they will compare to other parents. Some posters say they don’t like the silly play, role playing etc but they take their DC to the cinema, do baking, craft, jigsaws etc. You are interacting with your DC, the DH here appears to do very little with his DD unless she tags along on something he is doing. Mum and dad seem to do very little as a family with DD.

Apologies if I've made a large post that needs to be scrolled down - I don't usually post and the only option I could see to easily reply to your question was to use the quote function.

I use a long acting form of methylphenidate (there are several brands with slightly different formulations), but there are different medications available to alleviate adhd symptoms as there is a fair bit of variation in terms of how different brains respond and how side effects are experienced.

Oh cool it didn't:-)