Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

Yes. He changes his attitude, or he leaves.

Yes. I loathe seeing old people married for decades to people they hate. Just deal with it now, or it’s not going to get better.

Hate to say it, OP, but he’s simply a crap dad! All the dads I know actively engage with their children. Whether that’s with board games, imaginative play, going out on trips, reading stories, singing songs - they all make an effort to do something the child enjoys, and this is normal!

It sounds like your DH is merely existing in the same house as DD rather than parenting her. So sad for her and will really damage her self-esteem as his actions are telling her she’s not interesting to him or worth his time 😞

Quite.

Expectations for dads are on the floor.

I hated playing so I made sure my kids had playmates in the holidays

I’m neurodivergent (Aspergers diagnosis). I struggle hugely with rough & tumble/imaginative play. Instigating it/doing it. I was lucky that my DH was great at all of that. I enjoyed quieter (some would say, less fun) stuff like baking, gardening, reading or colouring for hours with my son. Perhaps your partner doesn’t “get it”, the whole kids play stuff? If he’s uncomfortable with it, let him do activities he IS good at.

Of course, if he just can’t be bothered, I’d think seriously about the relationship.

But this is op's whole point - he barely does anything. It's not that he struggles with silly games, but does crafts with her. It's not that he doesn't do those things but enthusiastically takes her to HER hobbies.

It's that he opts out or makes a big fuss of HAVING to play with his own child. One who plays independently or with friends or her mum but just sometimes wants dad to play, but he doesn't want to. Taking her looking for fossils (his hobby) occasionally, after the mum has had to PROMPT HIM TO TAKE HER ALONG is not the same.

I actually cannot believe the posters on here bending over backwards to make excuses for a dad who can't be bothered to occasionally make an effort with his own kid. It's just fucking sad.

I'm with you @Newyearnothingchanges I think he needs to find a way he can enthusiastically engage with his daughter. It doesn't have to be loud or silly or whatever but it should be something they both enjoy and you shouldn't need to tell him to do it. It's basic parenting.

I could not disagree with a previous posters view of "Just feeding and keeping them warm is enough" more. Fuck that. That is bare minimum survival shite.

Your daughter will very soon stop asking him to spend time with her because she'll get tired of being rejected or being made to feel she's a burden on his time. Wonder how he'll feel then?

Ffs is it too much to expect a two hours family thing together for an excited Dd on NYE?!

No but that didn't have to be a forced silly game. I spent 2hrs at the cinema with mine, no acting like an idiot required

Hear hear

And he spent the night in bed trying to avoid spending time with his child.

What’s your point?

And who do children generally prefer playing with? Their parents or their friends?

@Newyearnothingchanges before children, did your OH and you play together? How did you share time together?

I have only read your posts and some replies, but it seems that your OH doesn’t enjoy spending time with your dd much at all- he doesn’t like playing games or doing activities, he would rather avoid her. Is that right? First reply I think said ‘he’s checked out’ and I would tend to agree. It’s sad to hear how much dd was looking forward to time with him and how little he wanted to be there.

has he also checked out from his relationship with you, or do you still do things together and both enjoy spending time together?

As he does do bedtime and stories with her, is there any scope for expanding this role, or is that something he also does on sufferance?

@Nanny0gg many DC like playing with their parents, and will notice how rubbish their own parents are if they are at friend’s houses and see their parents interacting with them

Most children don’t have to choose either/ or.

Children love playing with their parents. It’s crucial for their development.

It wasn’t a forced, silly game, they were a range of different games that Dd wanted to play, I wouldn’t particularly choose it, but she’s 6…she’s my CHILD…I may prefer being at the cinema or even in a club getting pissed, but it’s not about me, I have a child, it makes me happy to do what makes her happy
So many selfish people

My dad wasn't playful but I don't memories listening to music and taking with him in the car about everything. He always had time for quiet chats and a good debate.

It may be that he just isn't playful. Or he might just be a bit lazy and aloof in general.

If he doesn't care in other ways then you have a problem but if it's just a playfulness issue I wouldn't worry too much!

We don’t spend time together since having Dd really
Alternate bedtimes is what I suggested since she was v young, he doesn’t volunteer to do it, it’s just what we’ve always done

You sound really unhappy Op. Do you have options?

Sounds as if he really doesn’t want to be a father at all.

Options, how?

I do feel lonely, it’s all so changeable, some days quite a happy, chatty mood, others quiet, tired, irritable

Options to end the marriage.
Could you manage it financially, child care etc?

Still baffled at the amount of people that think engaging with a child in the activities they like is some sacrifice. Weirdos.

At the moment, no

This - I really can’t do horseplay, and am no good at make-believe games. I found this difficult when my children were small but fortunately their dad was the opposite. He needs to be allowed to connect with her in his own way