Dh can’t play

[Newyearnothingchanges]

Properly, with Dd or as a family, it’s really bringing me down now. It just brings a miserable, cba vibe to the house. My dad, for all his faults, played with us all, tickling, climbing on his back, football in the garden, board games as a family and so on.
An example is last night for nye, I bought some new board games to play as a family, ordered a takeaway, fire on. Firstly he was in bed sleeping and Dd kept going up begging him to come down as she wanted to play the games. He had a face on him, just really awkward and not really participating as I was trying to make the game fun. It had a silly challenge in it to do sit on the carpet and put your arms in your jumper then try to stand up the quickest. He was pulling a face and oohing and ahhing about his back…we’re in our 40’s, but it was like he was ancient. Dd was having great fun, but then got fed up (not surprised) I didn’t exactly feel in the mood at this point to play more games as he’d sucked the joy out of it. The takeaway turned up, which was delicious, but we just sat in silence watching tv, then he went to the toilet, then it was Dds bedtime.
Similar just now, Dd likes to do a thing where she goes in my arms on the sofa and I dangle her down over the edge and she screams for him to save her. He was sat at the computer, with that usual grimace face of cba/do I really have to participate..picked her up begrudgingly a couple of times, then went back to the computer, Dd shouting for him to help her, he’d obviously decided he’d had enough of the game so didn’t bother to get her, so she got angry at me for doing it…!

Feel so sad as I grew up in a house where we played board games and cards as a family, usually most Sundays after a big walk, then a nice dinner. I told him it’s sad for Dd and she needs to have fun and live in a happy environment, he said he didn’t feel well, but he’s nearly always like this, just so uptight, so sick of it.

Is this normal/usual??

So when you become a parent/spouse everyone else’s needs trump your own?

I would never expect anyone to act in a way that isn’t their personality.

Yes you have to put a mask on and get on with things sometimes but that shouldn’t involve a huge shift in personality.

I will never get married because to me the idea of my husband waking me up when I’m asleep and then expecting me to be all bubbly and playful, absolutely blows my mind.
And I’m shocked anyone thinks that this is normal and ok

I am actually a playful person but my child knows not to wake me up and when I do wake up, I am not going to be bubbly and jumping around straight away.

It was NYE, they were Dds new games, she’d been waiting to play them altogether and have pizza etc…a normal day, it would be different

Precisely why I never wanted kids.
Wanted my life to be about my own choices.
Shocking.

Some people are just not into 'silly' games. I'm one of them. At Christmas etc I do sometimes wish it was different but I can't change my entire personality to suit an occasion.

We are child free so it doesn't come up often, but my husband is great at being silly with the kids in the family and I'm just not. I'm affectionate with them, talk to them loads etc but I'm just not built that way. Unless he's letting them down in other ways as a dad I think you should try respect his boundaries.

No. I am sorry for you lovely daughter. My father was disabled and participated as much he could with smiles, laughter, jokes, hands, board games....he had a limp but had strong hands to lift me , so on

My husband is a master in playing with the kids.....

What like play or leave?

Adults don’t have to indulge children, they shouldn’t be neglectful of the needs of them, but it’s ok to just let or tell kids to go and play on their own or with friends and to leave the adults alone.

My parents never did anything playful with me, I was self sufficient in that way and don’t have any negative memories about the fact my dad never pretended to be a horse that I would ride or a scary dragon.

Unfortunately for shy old me, my partner’s family is all games, charades, laughter and forced fun, so I get painted as the miserable one, I’m not miserable I just can’t for the life of me work out how to be that sort of person. Though one niece is quiet and likes art, just like me, so there I can be useful and maybe well thought of.

Us quieter ‘miserable’ types can form happy memories with loved ones if we are left alone to, a playful indulgent parent isn’t better than a background one. Kids can be left to their own devices and even be bored sometimes. It’s ok to be a parent that feeds, waters and cares for their child without having to pretend to drop or rescue them or whatever.

I don't think @Newyearnothingchanges would mind him opting out of board games or silly play as much if he actually did other things with their child - things that he initiated and they both enjoyed, not taking her along to things that only really interest him or having to be promoted/begged to engage. The child plays with her mum, with friends and independently but it is not a lot to ask for her dad to show an interest in doing fun things too.

I'm not surprised at these replies though, it's become the dome thing to act like you can't stand playing with your kids and it's a bit sad to be honest.

DH is also on the spectrum and is physically unable to play. I don't know how best to describe it...it's possibly a sensory issue, a masking issue, the "make believe" aspect which forces you to put yourself in other character's shoes or an executive function issue because playing with children is too boring. It's like the activity physically gives him such pain and discomfort that he cannot cope with it. He has no problems with going places such as the playground, the cinema etc, it's the typical spending a few hours indoors type of play that is impossible.

I know it sounds like a cop-out for being lazy and believe me, it's fucking annoyed me for years and still does. He would go to extreme lengths to avoid playing or interacting with his own child if it involves board games, make believe, crafting etc. However I've come to genuinely believe that it's a physical issue and he's not trying to be "clever" by escaping his duties to do something more fun. It's comparable to how people with executive function issues know they need to do something but physically cannot bring themselves to.

There's no easy solution. We've come to accept that the "sit down" type of play is something he cannot cope with. Luckily our DD is getting older so it's less of an issue now. We're obviously not having any more kids and just waiting for the phase to end where you need to endlessly entertain a small child.

This is a really insightful post I think. My dad was like this. He was a terrible father generally but even when he wanted to be lighthearted he couldn't. I find it difficult myself, I don't really know how to play. Before I had children myself I used to watch how mothers played with their children and modelled it - successfully (I hope?) but it didn't come naturally.

I think a lot depends on how somebody is brought up when they are children themselves. If they're left to their own devices a lot, or exposed to seriousness before their time, or just told to stop being silly when they're just having fun, they learn to stop expressing jollyness. It is sad.

OP, I don't know what your husband is like as a father but if he's not doing the other stuff that would be within his comfort zone then he would be better off gone. If he's good in every other way like Buxomblondie's husband then you can take on the childsplay and let him pick up the slack for all the other things that he can do well. It's not a competition and I think the most successful relationships are when a couple plays to their strengths rather than competes to be better at this than mum/dad.

My DH is like this he very rarely plays any games with us it’s usually just me and DD, he’s never really play fighted with her either were I always have. I think it stems from his childhood as his Dad is pretty much the same. My Dad was always playful with us completely different to DH’s Dad. DH does love us and shows affection in other ways. I don’t even try to get him to join in now, on the very odd occasion he does he takes it all too seriously anyway.

Ugh the comments. Reverse the genders. What would MN think if it was the woman not initiating any fun time with her DD? Bedtime and the odd trip to the park is the bare minimum I’m sorry. I’m not saying kids should dominate your life but come on, it was NYE, DD wasn’t even staying up until 12am she just wanted to have fun with her mum and dad. Hardly a big ask. If he didn’t want to play that particular game maybe he could have suggested something he would enjoy?

Also to add my dad died when I was very young and my childhood was not filled with fun and (literal) games but I see how much joy it brings my DC so I always make the effort to do these types of things with them. Your upbringing only gets you out of jail for free so much.

I know loads of parents who don’t stay up on NYE.

I’ve missed how old she is but I assume she’s pretty young because of the type of game and I don’t know many young kids who stay up until midnight on NYE either.

Why did the games have to be played in the evening?
Why not the daytime or the next day?

If my partner was asleep and was woken up just to join in, I would be very grateful that they took part, knowing that they were tired and I would assume that they wouldn’t join in silly games.

I personally wouldn’t have woke my partner up at all.
I would have said we’ll play games just the 2 of us and he can join in the next day.

If you were a single parent then it’s perhaps different and you should stay awake if that’s what your child really wants but you were there with her.

I’m just not sure how much energy you thought someone would bring, knowing that they’d just been woken up and it’s not in their personality to act like that anyway.

I completely disagree.

If a man was playing with his DC and the DC wanted to play a game so woke his wife up to join in and then was annoyed that she wasn’t full of energy - he would be absolutely slaughtered on here.

Posters would be saying that he just didn’t want to parent on his own and his kids should be taught not to wake their parents to play games and how of course OP wouldn’t be jumping around being silly etc

Great post. I completely agree and can relate to a lot of what you've said here.

Somehow I managed to miss your post but I completely agree everything you've said there, thank you for posting it.

Sounds v similar…down to the ages spent on the toilet

It sounds like the lack of game playing is part of a far bigger picture of opting out of anything that bores or irritates him.

it's all very well going fossil hunting if you like fossils - no great sacrifice is it? Albeit lovely to share your interests with them. HOWEVER, we can't just do the bits of child raising we want, and this is the point. If DD (not OP) wants to play a family board game on a 'special evening', then DH should grow the fuck up and make the effort.

I agree that adults should set boundaries and some DC are over indulged at the parents expense. Noone is saying you have to indulge in board games night once a week or play charades after every meal - it's about recognising that OP was creating a family moment for them all - and for her, this meant board games. And seeing as DH wasn't bringing anything alternate to the party - why the fuck NOT games? So what if it bores him/he finds it awkward? Dad up and get involved once in a while.

But I think that there is more afoot here than board games and that there is a general sense of him opting out, which you need to address before you start to feel resentful.

We didn’t stay up all night, she went to bed at 8, she’s 6, pizza was arriving at 6, it was two hours max to endure

Please can I emphasise the part again…where it was NYE, planned with a takeaway dinner, before Dd went to bed for the evening. If it was reversed, i’d have to be very ill indeed to be in bed at 5.30 pm and to miss my Dds joy at it all

He sounds very frustrating and lazy. Why was he asleep at that time when he could go to bed at 8pm if he really needed the sleep?

If my DH has done this type of thing, I send the kids in to wake him up once he’s had a decent sleep. It’s usually me suggesting games etc but I will tell him to not be a grinch and join in.
Once he does he’s actually really silly and loud! Just needs some
encouragement sometimes. But he’s always taking the kids out.
Sounds like yours is opting out all the time. I’d book some things so he has to get involved. What about a trampoline park? Ice skating?

I’m exactly the same re first thing in the morning. I’m a million miles from saying everyone had to be “bubbly and playful” as soon as they wake up. But it’s reasonable to expect someone to be fun for their kid sometimes. And when there’s a special occasion like NYE, the parents make an effort

If my partner was in bed by 5:30pm I would have thought they were genuinely tired.

I personally wouldn’t have woken them up but if I thought it was really important that they were awake for it, then I would have expected them to be tired and not full of beans, even if they are usually the life of the party.

You knew that DH isn’t bubbly and doesn’t join in with the childish games
You also knew that he was tired and he was woken up from his sleep.

So I can’t see how you’re upset or surprised at his behaviour.

You say he joined in picking her up a couple of times when she was playing the save me game and then he stopped - how many times did he have to do it for you to be satisfied?

I’m trying to not come across as rude but you can’t force him to be something he’s not.
Just like I’m sure there will be things in the future that you struggle with and he finds easier.

As many mothers have said on here, they wouldn’t do it either.

I do appreciate that this is just a snippet of his behaviour but I think you just need to change your expectations of him.

Your way of doing things isn’t better than his way of doing things and in some things you are going to parent differently.