To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

And you couldn't just pretend that no one knew? How sad for your son and his girlfriend.

You know all those MIL posts on here...yeh.

Ok. Whatever. OP can just carry on with whatever she is doing and ignore them. Wouldnt want to be overinvested and controlling or make anyone feel bad by sorting the guest room.

Hopefully lesson learnt for future life events, it sounds as if through they wanted to surprise you with their engagement but had already published it not thinking it through, so it wasn't a surprise

Such a shame for them and you

Why would dd have spilt the beans? DS wasn’t going to call her, he asked his mum
to call her.

I would feel a bit sad too. Sounds like they were caught up in the busyness of New Year and the excitement of the engagement. I don't think there is anything wrong about her posting on instagram, but it's sad you didn't get a phone call from your DS in advance.

It clearly is an issue if the OP has come to the internet and told everyone about it. There's a lot of outing details in the original post so I hope no one outs the OP to the couple.

Just seen your update. No reason at all for you to feel sad now. They sound like a lovely couple! Congratulations!

I think it's fine that you told them you knew due to bloody Instagram. Learning to navigate social media, knowing what to tell people face to face, not launching things on social media too quickly, keeping some things off social media for the sake of real life relationships - these are all skills that none of us even had to think about even ten years ago and now do... they are young and excited and it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things as you like her and are happy but it's still a good lesson and better to be open than secretly annoyed... they have had a chance to repair and will know next time to call you first with big news!

I'm so glad some people get it. Maybe it has to do with relating to the experience - I can relate so much to the DS/DDiL in this story

He should have told you before they put it on SM

This. There's nothing to be gained from mentioning this to your DS. Either it was an accidental oversight, which he can't correct now, or it was intentional, in which case, that's his way of doing things.

Communications methods are shifting e.g. my MIL would no doubt prefer a handwritten thank you for every gift she sends, but instead she receives a thoughtful email (not a 'onliner') thanking her, saying how useful/lovely gift is.

Don't confuse your expectations with his, otherwise you might end up on Mumsnet "Nothing we ever do is good enough for MIL".

Just be pleased he's found a lovely woman to spend his life with and they're having the time of their lives.

But he wasn’t planning on calling his sister anyway, he told OP she can tell her.

And if it came out days or weeks later it wouldn’t matter. But when your son excitedly tells you his news it’s bad form to say you already knew.

Unreasonable.

It was 22 hours ago and he just hasn't called you yet. He probably knows he'll have to have a long conversation with you and other family and he's at the tennis today. Plus its New Years Day so he's quite possibly hungover.

He is quite likely unaware that his girlfriend has put it on Insta or that you will have seen it. You can choose to be offended by nothing or you can be happy that your son is getting married.

I think you're lucky they didn't elope abroad!

I don't think there are any hard feelings on either side.

They've just sent us a video of them explaining to their cat that they are engaged (we are cat sitting), cat was uninterested!

None of us are the type of people to make a big deal out of this, it wasn't intentional, we are happy for them. Lying and saying we would tell DD etc. didn't feel right, I think DD had actually already commented on the post on instagram so they'd learn soon enough that she already knew, no point lying about it!

What!!!??? The Op very naturally felt a bit hurt about finding out about her son's engagement over social media. That is not controlling or medalling. Turns out the DS had full intention of telling her first. He clearly loves and values his mum. It was a brief misunderstanding, not the couple trying to cut the mum out of the picture.

None of us are the type of people to make a big deal out of this

Then why this thread?

@Lentilweaver why is anyone sorting out the guest room? This bit has passed me by completely.

I was sad, it felt more reasonable to deal with my sadness here and get perspective than letting it bubble and build.

Unbelievable thread. Sorry but this is the sort of thing which makes me realise women will always stay ‘second place’.

you’re upset because you weren’t the first person in the world to be told about something. Not they didn’t want you to know, not they weren’t going to tell you, just you didn’t know first

half the posts on here seem to think what the girlfriend posted is unacceptable- as apparently she isn’t her own person and shouldn’t be allowed to tell anyone until the MAN tells her it’s okay.

fucking pathetic for ten pages of people to give it this much headspace and actually think it somehow means something too.

im glad there are at least some others who don’t think you’re automatically entitled to other peoples news exactly how and when you want it.

But if it wasn't thoughtless of them to post on social media (as you said earlier), what's the issue?

Going out of your way to over-explain that you really mean something gently and kindly, has the opposite effect.

You are massively projecting your own feelings onto someone you don't know, have never met and are unlikely to do so.

OP's updates suggest that all is now well.

Are you always so charming and delightful in your inactions with strangers?

The couple knew OP wasn’t on social media.

There was no reason for OP tell them she already knew.