To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

As you've said, they did nothing wrong ("How was she thoughtless?!")

So, there is clearly no reason to assume that the mere mention (without any accusation or recrimination) of already knowing the news would make the couple feel they have done anything wrong, surely?

Thank you, what a constructive contribution to this thread.

Sounds like he was!

I’m going to guess if you’d been up and replied you’d have got a phone call straight back.

However, most adult children have at least a bit of awareness that phoning in the middle of the night and waking the parent up jumps them to ‘there’s been a disaster’. So we test the water first before late night or early morning phone calls.

Really pleased for you, and that your son has found someone that both he and you are so keen on.

Enjoy celebrating when they get home.

Genuine question...how did you want to find out?

@PeppyGreenFinch because otherwise OP would have had to pretend that she didn’t know, and then give a heads up to DD to also pretend she didn’t know.

In any honest, open family that would be weird.

The son doesn’t know how OP felt (she’s only vocalised that on here). OP has done nothing other than to congratulate her son, and mention that DD already knows. Hardly crime of the century.

Honestly OP, completely agree with previous poster talking about individuality. Family (if healthy and functioning), is about love, respect and the ability to rely on each other. That doesn’t mean that you think you own your son or that he owes you anything. Totally fine to feel mildly hurt and offload on here (hopefully he won’t have any inkling as to how you really felt).

Sounds like your son and his girlfriend are lovely. Don’t let the whole “daughter for life, son until wife” nonsense get into your head. Just stay a loving, non overbearing and calm presence and all will be good.

When someone tells you happy news, you be happy for them, not tell them you already knew.

Where's the hyperbole? The poor couple hasn't even been engaged a full 24hrs and the OP has already managed to be hurt and disappointed and started a thread fixating about time zones, tennis matches, 00:07, Instagram, texts, etc

Sure, this is all not dramatic at all, it's very chilled 🙂

So she should have lied about the daughter already knowing? And told her daughter to lie about it?

But no one asked if OP already knew. There was literally no reason to mention it.

Definitely let him tell you.
Ignore the social media post or your dd telling you for now.

They were daft to post on SM before letting close family know, word travels fast and you rarely keep track of who is following you and could then have messaged OP to congratulate her without her even knowing about it. However, I’m sure neither OP nor the happy couple will waste any more time worrying about it now they’ve spoken and instead can focus on planning a lovely future together. Congrats to your DS, OP!

Oops I didn’t tell my mum I got engaged before updating my Facebook status. Just didn’t really occur to me that I had to! She’s never said anything though.

And I still don't understand why you are now saying she's made them feel bad when you were adamant that they'd done nothing bad, and when she only mentioned factually that the daughter knew because they wanted to let her know. How can you make someone feel bad when they haven't done something bad, just by mentioning it?

Keep up! Because she didn't think to either tell them in person when they were together at Christmas (don't know how that would exactly work but whatever), or they didn't stop what they were doing at the point of proposal and ring the parents at home. Obviously someone's engagement day is all about how their mum would have liked it to happen, come on keep up.

Op, leave this thread and make preps for their arrival.
Better posted in Parents of Adult Children, I think.

I feel bad for the girlfriend, she probably feels terrible now and given that you've said she's lovely she clearly didn't mean anything by posting on her social media.

I would have just I’ll tell dd rather than have the happy couple apologising to me.

OK, to break it down: the OP has said nothing to suggest there is meddling and drama in her relationship with her DS, and nothing in her update suggests a secret wedding is likely to be on the cards. I think you are either conflating what's happened here with much worse experiences with your own mum; or, that you are the one creating drama and ill-feeling in that relationship - but you've given no details of what led up to your secret wedding, which is why I said I couldn't comment on your relationship with your mum.

Make preps for their arrival? That sounds like instructions from the pilot to the cabin crew when they are due to land.

Because otherwise she would have had to lie and to tell her DD to lie and DS would inevitably have found out. I think OP dealt with it very well when it was DS who raised telling DD

Yes, a lot of blame and responsibility is being placed on the poor fiancée.

DD would probably have spilled the beans to them anyway. So OP did the right thing in being honest.

Why mention it though? What did it achieve?

At that point I think it was fine. When he told OP's dd it would have come out anyway.

So, nice for op to have him/them be able to share their news with her.

And then also fine for the op to mention it when son said he was going to tell his sister.

Op has reassured her son and his partner that it wasn't an issue, so all is good.

Exactly. You put it better than I did.