To be sad this is how I found out DS is engaged

[Gladlygracious]

DS is 26, we have a good relationship, his girlfriend is lovely and they have been together for 2.5 years, they make a great couple.
We spent Christmas with them, but they have been saving up and have taken a month of unpaid leave to go to Australia for New Years, a friends wedding and the Australian Open for a month.
This morning DD called me and very excitedly said omg I can't believe DS is engaged. I said what I didn't know. She told me to check his girlfriend's instagram.

He proposed on New Years Eve before the new year came in so at least 22 hours ago. His girlfriend posted on instagram 8 hours ago, 2 separate posts first a post with some pics of them, the ring and a little video of him proposing, then a second post of little videos and pics from the year with the proposal at the end. DS messaged me at midnight UK time so 11 hours ago.
They are at the united cup tennis today so I appreciate they are busy, but he has messaged and she has made 2 instagram posts, DS has shared one of the posts on his story too.

AIBU to be sad this is how I found out and that he didn't tell me or DH directly? Or is this just the modern world?

Perhaps the lesson here is to give him a chance before getting offended in future.

@Gladlygracious you were right to nicely tell them you knew, as of course they would have seen your DD's comment and realised that you had lied etc. As it happens you've told them you're genuinely happy about their news, they apologised for not realising you would have seen it on Instagram, no one has fallen out and everyone is happy 🙂 That's not good enough for Mumsnet though, surely you need aggro over them inviting your neighbours, the colour of the napkins etc 😂

Maybe this thread will make some parents think more carefully about the notion that your adult children owe you anything in return for being raised by you. I understand that parents would like to be respected by their children when they have grown up but respect is earned and if you have done something to lose their respect (like to take the shine of a special occasion) that is when things can start to turn so your children can pull away from you

But OP clearly is on social media, she has been following the updates.

Why?

Because not everyone wants to turn every infraction into a confrontation. Because OP might think that, although she was disappointed not to find out directly, it’s ultimately a happy event, and how her son and future DIL feel is more important here. Because maybe she wants to keep what is, for the vast majority of the time, a great relationship, rather than “adjusting her expectations and input accordingly” in pound shop self-help book style.

Er, no. It would equally have been poor form if the son had posted on social media, or if it was the OP's daughter's future husband who had done the same.
The general point is the same: you should want your immediate family to want to know your news before some random instagram follower does. The OP didn't say she wanted to know "first", just not after the internet does.

You can’t help how you feel.

I think it would have been fair to give them 24 hours to tell you though.

@Gladlygracious Congratulations to you all. I completely understand your thought process and hope this thread has helped you.
Maybe ask for it to be taken down before a newspaper gets hold of the story as it is very identifying.
I have sons, younger than yours, and it is my sincere hope that they too find someone to love and who loves them back. What a wonderful addition to your family.

All I wanted to do is very gently provide the other side of that argument as I've lived a very similar experience. My mum has made everything about herself in almost identical scenarios, I remember once she was upset she found out I was going on holiday via an Insta post, as my destination was a place that we both had very dear in our hearts. From her perspective, she was a bit hurt and upset and completely reasonable. From my perspective, she was unreasonably up in my business. Again, I was just offering another perspective. Anyone can ignore it, but just saying "it's nonsense" is in itself nonsense.

But there was no reason for her not to tell them she knew, given that they'd done nothing wrong in putting it on social media? And given that she'd have to lie to them and pretend she was going to tell the daughter?

I completely agree. So many details that could easily make the people involved identifiable.

You’re beating the same drum. And now
you’re being goady and rude.

I would be upset too, but I imagine he was waiting to tell you once you had replied last night, or on the phone, or IRL. She was understandably excited and wanted to announce it to everyone on IG, and probably left it up to him to tell you. It's not really her fault that he hasn't informed you right away, to hold off posting on her SM. I would just congratulate them and not mention anything or it looks like you're ruining a big moment for them.

I would be disappointed. Most people i know have kept it from social media until close family told. Then they post. Sorry op. Probably more clumsy than anything else.

Do you think it possibly wasn’t intentional that you found out that way? Obviously Australia celebrates new years way before us, it could be that his fiancé was so just so excited and caught up in the moment she posted without thinking about the time difference and by the time your son messaged you on our New Year’s Eve it was already too late as you had found out?

If you have a good relationship with your son, I’m sure he wouldn’t have purposely not told you if it knew it would upset you.

Yep that's it. Ending up apologising on your engagement day is not great. I was trying to be a cautionary tale but this thread seems to be an echo chamber of the opposite view so I guess each to their own. All the best to everyone :)

As an aside @Kloa thank you for your posts on this thread, they have been very helpful. Happy new year!

@DepartingRadish you’re so right! Anyone explaining things “gently” always across as if they’re wielding a sledgehammer 🤣

The point is the son was excited to share his news,

That was not the time to say she already knew, or dd knew, that could have come later.

You keep making me type out the same response. Which then makes posters like @skiiii be rude to me.

Is that your objective?

I think you have all handled it well, congratulations to them. You'll never be an afterthought, you're his Mum and it sounds like you have a great relationship.

Countdown to the Mail picking this thread up in 3, 2, 1....

It used to be the case that news rippled out in a community from those closest to the bringer of news to those on the periphery. There could be an excited exchange with the 'inner circle' first, cementing those particular bonds. Nowadays news can be relayed to all at the same time at the touch of a button. I feel something is lost doing things this way. It's as if people are handing their news to the town crier immediately or sending an undifferentiated round-robin Christmas letter.

This is it. He probably wanted to actually speak to you to tell you. And as you didn't reply assumed you were asleep.
Perhaps he will call at some point today.

Or you could just message saying "seen your big news, how wonderful!"

It's not really important that he didn't tell you immediately is it? It's a moment for him and his gf.
She posted it online as very excited obviously.

I don't think i told my parents I was engaged for a week or so! They may have even found out via social media and sent congratulations.
They were still a bit part of the wedding!
Never occurred to me they might have been cross i didn't tell them immediately. Altho I don't think they were as that was 12 years ago now and they never mentioned it.

I wouldn't be cross at my own kids. I'd be happy for them and understand they get wrapped up in the moment. Especially on New Year!!

If your mum isn't available you wait until she is and you can tell her your news rather than posting on social media, surely?

None of their Instagram followers would be upset about finding out 12 hours later. It's obvious that close family might be upset about finding out after the Instagram followers though.

I agree my original wording was overly dismissive and I apologise. I hope my more detailed post explained my thinking.