To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Sounds like he's not changed since becoming a dad. Leaving all the childcare to you.

He's a prick

My 1st marriage ended over similar- it was like being a single parent but with no freedom to do my own things either - as I had all the home ties and no down time

I am gutted as I do think I still love him and don’t want anybody else etc but never knowing where he is becoming unhealthy for my mental health. It can get to 8pm some week days and he still isn’t home from work without so much as a quick text. I cry myself to sleep sometimes as I just never ever thought this would happen.

And this is it, he says I can do what I like when I like. When exactly is that when he is out 70% of the week and the other 30 I would like to spend as a family. I’m utterly broken about this and don’t know how I will feel if I end it but surely I cannot carry on like this.

Can I ask what happened when it ended, was you relieved?

You need to get your ducks in a row and end the marriage. He's behaving like a single man without kids. You abd your children deserve better.

The thing is he says it is me, I never show him any affection but I would if he changed. I can’t go off absolutely nothing and somebody taking the piss out of me.

Oh OP, this sounds very sad. Have you tried talking to him very candidly about how serious this is and what you expect to change? Had he always been out this much and just hasn't compromised now you have children, or is this relatively new?
Are you a SAHM? I do think this dynamic can be tricky sometimes, it gives the impression that (usually) the mother is all childcare i.e. 24/7 and (usually) the father brings home the crust so they get to have their breaks as they always have, no seeing the SAHP also needs breaks. Parents need to see that during working hours and maybe a bit more it's childcare but weekends and evenings should be shared childcare.
Best case he's very inconsiderate, but if he cares enough and is a decent person, then hopefully he'll take the opportunity to see the light and make changes. If he doesn't, then I guess you've got to think where you're likely to be long term in this situation. If I was you, I'd be feeling exactly the same. I tend to encourage my DH to go out and do things that make him happy but I expect him to do the same for me. Your situation would have me raging from the injustice and the taking advantage.
Hope you're ok OP

What do you love about him?

That is a really good question. I love what we used to have, he is all I have ever known and my safety net. God knows why

He sounds utterly selfish. So he has a whole single life away from you, but can pretend he’s a family man because you are too afraid to leave?

See a solicitor and decide what you want to do next. I suspect you will be far happier without this jerk.

Is love enough to stay? My family are constantly telling me how selfish he is but he is so good at convincing me that this is normal and nobody has a relationship like ours. I don’t think it’s normal and every time I make plans to go out he is late so I have given up.

He’s not your safety net. He’s your master. You are his servant.

If he was your safety net, you would feel safe. You don’t feel safe because he’s not looking after your wellbeing.

I suspect that when you do leave him you will wish you had done it ages ago.

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

There's more context to this - do you work? Or are you a SAHM? Where he is going on weekday evenings? From your initial post I thought it would be 10-11pm but then you mention 8pm which isn't late, that's quite a normal home time for our family with similar aged DC. If you're home then it will feel late though.

The weekends being one-sided is unfair but has that developed from him having the rope to do it? Plan things where he has to be around?

Some of what he is doing is likely not unreasonable but together as a whole it may be, you need to talk it through with him

He will get home at 8pm and then leave at 8:30 for his hobby. That is 3 nights per week. One night he goes for drinks after work and another a curry night.

What kind of things are your family saying? Are these family members whom you trust?

What did he say when you talked to him about this and spelled it out that you were considering leaving? If you haven't put it in those terms then he needs chance to change. Why is he out so late every night and away at weekends so much? That's not usual.

He also has season tickets for his hobby and football so most weekends are took up with that. He goes to festivals for full weekends and I would just like to be doing that sort of stuff as couple

Yes my parents mainly

So all 5 nights out? 3x hobby, 1x curry, and 1x drinks?

Yes. He says the hobby doesn’t matter as the kids are in bed anyway.

Does he need to work so late or is he choosing to stay out of the home to avoid parenting?

I think your family observations are interesting, what behaviours do they see?

I don't advocate ending a marriage quickly as it is painful especially when you still care for him however can you continue like this..is he open to change or are you being gaslit?

Plus most weekends.

What an entitled man child. You are effectively a single mother, who does everything in the home and facilitates his life - he’s living the life of a single man, with zero responsibilities, advancing his career and maintaining his social life. On top of all of this he is complaining that you are not showing him affection? Does that not give you the complete ick?

You say you love him, but if that’s all there is, then love is never enough. You deserve so much better. And your kids are watching this dynamic and learning that it’s ok for a man to treat women this way.