To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

One night that sticks in my mind in particular (this might sound trivial) was when I had planned a big night out with the girls after stopping BF my son at 18 months. I was so excited and got myself all dressed up. He was going for food for one of his friends birthdays but agreed he would come back. It got to 23:30 and I just had mascara all down my face and his excuse was, you knew I was out I could t just leave could I.

Yes he could have. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel.

He doesn’t love you. Leave and build a better life for you and your children x

I’m sorry to say that he sounds like he checked out of the marriage a long time ago. He stays because you do all the childcare and I would guess most of the housework, cooking etc. He can currently work full-time, have a busy social life, has a free Nanny/housekeeper and has enough disposable income to spend a lot of money on hobbies/socialising.

If he ended the marriage he knows that he would be much poorer, have less free time, have to look after his children on his own several days a week, do less hobbies, do his own cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.

Do you feel that he loves you at all? Or does he stay because you facilitate his life being easier? As an outsider looking in, I would think the second.

I couldn’t stay with a man who showed me so little love and who behaved so selfishly.

So he has a skivvy au pair that does his washing and keeps house?

Have you really no idea how not normal this is?

Shit husband.
Shit father.

This is toxic for your children to witness.
An absent father.

Get him out of the house.
He is using you and doesn't care less about any of you.

Do you do this pricks laundry?
Bigger food if you do.

He's a single man.
You and your children deserve better.

He doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself. He's a lazy man child. He's acting like a single child free man. I imagine you'll feel less lonely without him. It's all on you and you'll know that and won't be waiting for him to step up or disapontedwhen he doesn't.

Why is it the only thing that is holding me back is because I don’t want him to meet somebody else and what goes with that. Introducing the kids to a new woman etc. I have worked so hard to make them the wonderful innocent gorgeous children they are now I don’t want to fuck it up.

You want to punch him and you don’t know why you love him? And he is acting as though he’s single and dumping all childcare onto you and does nothing in the house? What would the difference be if you were to end it? Sod all, by the sounds of you! If you have parental support, do it, you’ll feel so relieved. There’ll be no difference to your life bar not being abused on a constant. What a shit life.

Not trivial.
He doesn't respect you. Never mind 'love'.
Please don't waste any more of your valuable time or mental energy on this man.
He is living like a single man.

Better that than having an absent father. Don’t be amazed if he ducks all contact, he clearly couldn’t give a fuck about them or you.

It's a big step to leave when you've been together for so long and have children. It's scary and the fear of the unknown that is holding you back which is understandable.

However - this man is not going to change. He's simply far too selfish. Yes he may meet someone else quickly BUT it won't last because the next person will end up feeling exactly the same as you.

Your husband is totally unreasonable.

If you do still love him, and he isn't abusive or anything, I think you should try and make it work, up to a point. I would sit down, be blunt about how unhappy you are an how you are thinking about leaving, and try to work a plan out for what would suit you both. I would suggest he gets two nights a week, for whatever he wants, and one weekend a month. But that's just me. You should also be entitled to time for yourself, however that looks.

If he's a decent person, he will be understanding and gracious - New Year, new start and all of that. If he refuses or sulks, I don't see how you can make it work, sorry op x

He has recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and just falls asleep if he is sat on the sofa etc. I am tired of looking at him and he is making no improvement by actually wearing the mask the dr gave him to improve his life.

He doesn’t want to be alone with the kids now. He certainly won’t if you split.

Have you tried having this discussion with support? I wouldn't give up on 16 years without trying everything first!

I have tried so hard, I honestly feel I don’t have anything left to give. How can you persuade somebody to change when they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. In fact, he says it’s all my fault!!! All he wanted to do was love me and I pushed him away.

I don't think there's any way of making this work.
He doesn't respect you or value you.
He doesn't want to change or work on himself, he doesn't even think there's a problem.
It sounds like he won't have the time to see your dc that much anyway.
Do you think he could squeeze every other weekend into his schedule?

We had counselling when he left me with a newborn. It was absolutely awful and what should have been a wonderful moment for me. I spent cuddling up to my tiny baby with tears falling on her head.

Ick

Ick ick ick

On top of his literally dumping you with the DCs day in and day out while he acts like a single man with no responsibilities, you should be soooo over him and want him out of there. You'll actually get time to yourself if he has them a couple of days a week if you separate. Though, I'll be honest, it sounds like he won't spend time with them at all if you do.

Don't make your DCs grow up with a completely disinterested father and family man in their own home. Kick him to the kerb now and be done with it. You'll be less 'lonely' single than with someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

Well then, he's also extremely manipulative. He's trying to convince you that it's all your fault.

So he says he only wants to love you - yet it's all on his terms.

He sounds utterly vile tbh.

So he’s going out alone for 5 nights a week!
What an arse!

He's leaving you with everything and simply living a single bloke’s life - giving you little thought.
Could you suggest marriage counselling?

As far as I can tell, it’s him that needs to change - no wonder you don’t want to be intimate with him - he gives you nothing to work with!

Nothing is ever his fault, ever! He won’t even take a small amount of blame. I can’t reason with him at all he has an answer for everything

I have tried everything honestly

OP I am going to be frank .
He probably already has … loads of times .
He thinks he is single.
This isn’t behaviour of a loving COMMITTED man .
He only cares of himself and gaslights you into thinking it’s you .
Manipulator at their best .
He is getting all he wants he chose to treat you the way he does , as the rest of the stuff means more .
Honestly I wouldn’t trust this man one bit.

Tell him it’s over . The sooner you rip the plaster off the sooner you can heal.
As for another women , unlucky her with him as a catch .

Oh wow, sounds like him walking out has put a fear of him leaving into you. But you clearly don't need him becayse he isn't there anyway!