To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

wrong thread , sorry

Why did he tell me that he fancied her 6 months ago just so I begged for him back?

Because he's a cunt. Everything has done is because of that. You've sort of answered the question yourself, he had you begging him to come back. It's a power trip thing that he could treat you like shit and you'd beg for his love. And he enjoyed that... because he's a cunt, which is the only thing you need to focus on.

This!

@Fastforwardayear I bet he'd hate it if you were happy and getting on with your life without a thought about him. He sounds like someone you that would be really hard to find reasons to miss, tbh. Love the idea of a list of faults/how he makes you feel to look at whenever you are wavering :)

None of it makes any sense. I am getting stronger though and not crying everyday now.

It's all very new still so if you need to cry, do cry. It'll get a bit easier each day and at some point you'll wonder why the fuck you cried about that asshole.
Remember though that him being a cunt is the only reason it makes sense. Why did he do or say X horrible thing? Because he's a horrible person.

So was it going on all along? Even when he told me he liked her so that I begged for him back?

Who cares? That's what you need to think going forwards. Who cares?
It probably was, because he's a shit, but it doesn't make any difference as to what happens next which is throwing out the trash and building a much happier future. Maybe he cheated a bit, maybe he cheated loads - does the amount of shit behaviour matter though or does't the fact that he behaved shitly at all matter the most?
Try to stop looking back and to start looking forwards as that's where all the good things are.

OP, your new life is going to be SO much better than the one you’ve had for the last 10 years! so much better.
You’ll look back and just feel sheer relief that you no longer have to live like that.

I have had some lovely advice on here and it has honestly helped get me through these last few weeks. I can’t thank you all enough. Hopefully I will be back in 6 months time telling you all you were right. Xx

I promise you, you are not too old and have no reason to mourn the loss of this excuse for a man - although it is very important to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel and comfort yourself through it. What's left here isn't love, it's a trauma bbond - and the horrible truth is, a trauma bond feels way stronger than love.

I divorced in my 40s, and yes, I immediately got into a relationship with an abuser (so be careful - you are vulnerable). But once that was done, I had some AMAZING relationships in my late 40s and 50s.

Single now, out of choice. I'm 60, and feel life is only really beginning, because of semi-retirement. You are so young, you have so much life ahead of you - and you won't be with an arsehole! Yay!

You will!! You'll be back, the best version of yourself, a strong, fabulous woman, wondering what you ever saw in the prick ❤️

I spoke to MIL

this was her answer

Will do. At the end of the day, it's the children that need to come 1st that's what matters . You n are big enough to cope with this , but the effect on the children is what matters, and you both have to put differences aside and put them first , however hard that may be. X

Your decisions could impact their life , make sure you make the right ones . Even speaking to the children x

what does this mean?

Not that it’s relevant but she had ex H when she was really young and he was brought up by grandparents. How could she judge my choices

I read that to mean:

• My son has behaved like a prick but please don’t say that in front of the kids, even though it’s tempting to.
• She loves her Grandkids and wants to remind you to be mature and always put their wellbeing first in every decision you are making.

I think she’s also trying to remain neutral in her message…….. but remember that she will always side with her son, even when she knows he’s in the wrong.

Don’t disclose to her what you are doing or plan to do in the future. Be polite but keep your cards close to your chest with any in-laws. They will always be on his team, even if they love/care for you.

OP why are you speaking to MIL? She is NOT on your side, and in the future you should have very little, if anything to do with her, other than at any events for your children that she may be at. Try and distance yourself from her, as anything that you say will go back to HIM, regardless of how well you may have got on in the past.

Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" agaisnt you In future court.
He's shown you who he is. And spite is screaming from him. He won't act for you or the kids.
He will stay in the home. He may try to keep the children. Move her in.live rent free!
You cant sell from under him. He won't need to pay child support.
No no no.

Because her golden boy could do no wrong? 🤣

She her parents raised a piece of shit.

He couldn’t have the kids 50/50 anyway, he is struggling with one night per week.

I have yet to read an update EVER on here that has ever said that leaving a piece of shit like your ex was a bad idea.

Women thrive.
Yes it may be hard at times to juggle.
But every single one of them in their heart of hearts feel free, at peace, calm and that their children have adjusted surprisingly well.

Living with a piece of shit means your life is stuck, in a holding place. Never moving forward because of living with selfish scum.

NOW, hard though it may be at times, you WILL move forward.

We are here for you.
Keep posting for advice.
So many women can give you excellent advice as you navigate getting fully rid of this scum.
You are amazing.
You can 100% do this.

Before we had children I definitely had the upper hand, it seems he has got me right he he wants me now.

This statement. The world over.

We have decided to sell the house and I move into my house afterwards to get some extra money behind me. Although he is saying my daughter is distressed at the thought of going to my mums and I need to think about her. She isn’t distressed?!? Does moving into my mums affect him in some way? He can see the children whenever he likes, infact I really wish he would see them more!

OP you've been advised against moving into your Mums by 'Itsgottobeme' who said 'Do not move with the children. He then can use "keeping the children in their family home and settled" against you In future court'. Have you checked with a solicitor that moving in with your Mum is a good idea, or have I misunderstood?

Yea we have both agreed to sell the property first