To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

When he says all he wanted was to love you and you pushed him away, he means sex, that's his idea of love, but I bet he wouldn't have changed even if you had sex Op.

No point wasting another 16

I am very sorry, OP, but I think your DH has already left your marriage because he isn’t behaving as if he is part of a married couple. Sending hugs to you.

I tried numerous times but I didn’t enjoy it. Farts like a trooper and wakes up with blood stained teeth. Oh god 😩

Before ending your marriage, try this. Stop being a doormat and letting him call all the shots. Take up a hobby of absolutely anything. Let's say it's the gym. Go twice a week. Demand that you get equal leisure time. Stop mooning over him and stop pandering to him. Put yourself first. Fuck him and his selfish ways. Meet like with like. Go on wife work strike. Make him step up. Stop dwelling on how much you love him and how he used to be and put yourself first. If he steps up, great. If he doesn't and pulls away even more or becomes increasingly absent or difficult, you will at least have wrangled back some of your own self esteem and confidence and you can end your marriage with your mental health not completely destroyed.

You shouldn't have to try everything to make it work, it should be a joint effort.
I think the first step will be the hardest but after that you will be so much happier.

I honestly don’t have the energy to try this. I am way too hurt.

Your New Year's resolution is to be happy with your lovely children.
Kick this tosser to the curb.
He doesn't care about you or his DC
YOUR ONLY purpose is to cook meals, do his laundry & provide sex.
You're worried he will find someone else ? He's already being a lad every day, so the chances are he will.. Well good riddance.
You do not want this POS around your DC,
Sorry, you only live once, Dont waste your life

He has never been aggressive but when our daughter was born he was punching walls and escaping over the back fence. It wasn’t normal behaviour and I am actually traumatised by it all.

He told me he didn’t love her and felt like it was a forced relationship. It’s all very odd.

My first marriage also ended for the same reasons. Best decision I ever made

How was you after you made the decision? Did he move on quickly etc? I just think the trauma of breaking up the family and then him meeting another woman (I am convinced this is the case anyway) would just be too much for them.

This was me OP. Until I had children, my marriage was at least equal to the point that I had a life as much as my ex husband. Gym, work, friends etc so I didn’t notice how little he prioritised me as I prioritised myself. But when you have children, they become your priority except my ex husband didn’t change his priorities at all. Gym, hobbies, going out with friends whilst I was at home becoming more and more exhausted. It ended in huge amounts of infidelity on his part and a divorce. Having children didn’t change my ex, it showed his true colours. I would go as far as to say he was jealous of the children and told me as much, that the OW who was also a married mother showed him more attanetion. The irony!

"We own the house, I will probably stay as he would never be able to take the kids to school etc."

Nothing of what you have written suggests that he is the type of man to agree to you staying in the house. It is more likely that he will want his 50% of the equity.

You describe someone should has managed to maintain a pre marriage and children lifestyle despite having a wide and children. Separation will disrupt his life. He will be financially worse off, will need to take proactive steps to see his children, and, I expect, do the 'wife-work' in his own home. None of this is likely to turn him into the rare type of man who prioritises his children's primary carer when it comes to finances!

This.

Not that it matters - let her have the selfish prick!

What does he actually bring to the table? I get the impression he actively dislikes being with you and your dcs and doesn’t even bother trying to hide it.

End this heartache and stop wasting your life with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you in the hope he’ll change - he won’t.

There is a better life for you out there if you grab the chance to take it. I feel it’s better to be alone than lonely in an unhappy relationship. Your children will be fine as they have you. Unfortunately, you don’t have the option of giving them a happy home life with two parents because your husband won’t allow it.
Time goes quickly, blink and another 5 years will have gone.

You are worrying about him meeting someone else as you feel exhausted and vulnerable. You won’t always feel like that and who is to say you won’t meet someone else or be very happy and content being on your own.

Sounds like you have your parents support which is huge. Don’t wait for another few years, when they may not be able to help you, your kids will be older etc. I wish you strength and luck.

However, the way he talks to them, plays with them etc is lovely but it is everything else

Huge red flag to me this! When men leave their partner pregnant/with a tiny baby/smal child(ren) because "they can't handle it", how do they expect their now single partner to handle it by themselves then, absolute fuckers!!!!! I know hindsight is a beautiful thing, but with that act alone, I wouldn't have taken him back/would chuck him back in the sea. I know it's much easier said than done, but it still need to be said and believed, before it is done.
You're not alone having (had) to do this, and you'll find a lot of amazing support and advice here and I hope you also do in real life 💐💐💐

Please get rid. You and your children deserve so much more.
I can't believe he thinks it's OK to do his hobby because the kids are in bed, you are still there sat alone. He's a selfish twat.

From working with a family/divorce lawyer in the past, you certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable in wanting a divorce over this behaviour. He hasn’t changed yet knows you are unhappy with his behaviour.

Oh my god 🤮

Why would he take any blame? He doesn't want his life to change. If he admits he's in the wrong maybe that will impact his social life. At the moment you're doing all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry ect. He's a single mam doing him. He doest want things to change. Drop the dead weight. At least it will be one less person to look after. You might be upset because you're alone but you're already lonely.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard. But you have done all you can to resolve this and now need to move on. He’s not up for changing or having any kind of sensible discussion so you’ve hit a wall. You cannot stay as things are for your own mental health. You also don’t want your children to grow up thinking this is a healthy dynamic in a relationship. He honestly sounds just awful. Don’t get bogged down in the ‘what ifs’ about the future. Just focus on the here and now and leave. Make 2025 the year a new and brighter chapter for you begins. You and your children deserve it.

@Fastforwardayear your username is interesting.

Fastforward your life a year in your mind. On the 1st of Jan 2026 do you want to be in the exact same scenario as today, nothing changed. Or would you like to be waking up in your own little house, just you and your child. At the weekend ex-hubby will be having the kids, so you have a spa day booked with your girlfriends, maybe go out for some cocktails after.

How often is he doing that? Surely he hardly sees them.