To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

I would trust what they are saying, then. Perhaps have a candid conversation, and get their opinion. Could they support you in putting together an exit strategy?

He's treating the place like a hotel. I think I would tell him not to bother to come home at all if he doesn't want to spend any time there with you and the children.

He left when our first baby was tiny as he couldn’t handle it. We had counselling, got back together etc. this has been going on for at least 6 years.

This.
He's a selfish, repulsive bastard.

I'm afraid he has checked out of your relationship

Your parents are right.

He’s right in a sense. No one I know has a relationship like yours. I’m glad. I’d be really cross if someone was treating my friend like he treats you.

He’s not interested in family life. I can’t believe he abandoned you with a tiny baby, the selfish selfish arsehole. Bet you were worried about complaining to him after that. Just like he intended.

When you leave he will probably fade from their lives very quickly. Let him. X

He's being selfish, no time for you and the DC means the gap in your marriage gets wider, you don't want sex because you feel unloved and that gap will grow and grow, by the time your DC are teenagers they'll be nothing left between you.
Unless he's willing to go into marriage counselling and see your point of view there's not much to stay for Op.

Why do you love him?

There is nothing remotely loveable about his behaviour

Your relationship is not normal and he's a horrible human being

Do you own your house?
Do you work?
You need to talk to your parents and find a very good solicitor

2025 could be a much happier year for you

Can you not send the kids with him to the football?

if you are not wanting to leave you need to have a conversation and negotiate a fairer share of the evenings for you to go out.

I don’t necessarily think 8pm is late getting home if including a commute. But being out 5 evenings is not reasonable. You need and deserve some down time.

it’s might be worth getting back to work so you have some leverage as well as your own money if you do need to leave.

I work 3 days per week and could afford to be on my own if needs be.

Unforgivable. Please don’t have any more children with him.

The thought of being without him makes me happy. I just wish we had that family unit and I am scared how I will feel when he meets somebody else as I feel it will be imminent.

Never ceases to amaze me what some men will convince their DP/DW is totally normal.
Absolutely not. At very least I would stop any of his washing, tidying up after him or any general parenting of this man baby. Perhaps when he starts to realise he has responsibilities he’ll realise he doesn’t have the time to live his bachelor life.
Basically I’d quiet quit the relationship whilst creating the exit plan. He’s not gonna change if he hasn’t so far.

There's obviously another woman here, he's never home and you are not being intimate. No way in hell I would tolerate this, ltb

Stop worrying about meeting someone else and concentrate on splitting with this excuse for a husband

Do you both own the house or do you rent?

You need to get him gone

You say that family life is not what you expected it to be - in wonder did you both share your expectations of each other as parents? Is it worth counselling? You seem resentful of his life and he feels you are withholding affection - perhaps an impartial 3rd party could help you understand one another's points of view. Ultimately though you both have to want to save it - a good starting point is what brought you together and what did you love about each other in those early days

I have forgotten why I love him. I think it’s just we have been together for so long.

I would have a frank conversation with him. Tell him the amount of time he is out of the house and not doing anything with you and the family isn’t how a family operates and you don’t want to live like that anymore. He’s basically living a single life and dipping in and out when it suits him leaving you to do all the day to day parenting.
Maybe you should ask him to live a week or two in your shoes where you go out most nights and go to a hobby etc while he’s left doing the childcare?
I would sit him down and tell him this isn’t working for you and unless there are some changes and he starts actual parenting and spending time together then you will be splitting up. He will kick against it as he’s been having his cake and eating it for so long but if he knows you are serious he will either change his behaviour or you will split up. Tell him you can’t carry on as things are or you will wake up 10 years down the line even more resentful and whose to say he won’t leave you at that point when you’ve done all the parenting? And by the way even if you are a SAHM (which you don’t say if you are or not). When do you get any time off? Don’t let him say it’s because he works blah blah blah as that doesn’t stop him being a parent in the evening or weekends!

We own the house, I will probably stay as he would never be able to take the kids to school etc.

I feel we are past that. I have already had this conversation a thousand times. He says he has done all he can to change but I don’t see much difference at all. Not going to his hobby once is not a change, and he expects me to be grateful.

He Also made me feel guilty last night for going to bed at 10 o clock and he was sat by himself. I love just sitting by myself NYE is just another day to me.

I accept part of the blame in this but he doesn’t he says I won’t allow him to love me. He smacks my arse every time I bend down and I just want to punch him, I can’t show him the love that he needs on what he is giving me.

@Fastforwardayear What would happen if on a non-hobby night you go out as soon as he gets in (don’t tell him, don’t even go anywhere planned - just get in the car if you have one and take yourself out? I mean, I’d be done with him myself but he seems like he needs to be shown rather than told 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do you still love him when he is happy to treat you like a slave, even when you tell him it makes you sad?

He doesn’t care about you. So he doesn’t love you.

Do you really love him, or are you scared to be financially insecure with kids?

You’re at something of an impasse, it seems. He doesn’t feel you show him affection or intimacy, so his response is to spend more and more time outside the home. You don’t feel that you can be affectionate or intimate with someone who doesn’t help or support you and who chooses to spend his time away from you.

Is it possible to have a frank but calm conversation about your feelings and for him to explain his! Otherwise, you’re going to go further down the road of living separate lives and resentment.

These aren't really things about him that you love.
You're scared of the unknown (understandable) and nostalgia for the past. But you will still have those things if you left him as well as a fulfilling present and an exciting future with someone else if you wanted. Or even being by yourself sounds better than being ignored.