To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

It is common for the abuse to ramp up after children. It’s a power thing. The signs were there in the beginning but you weren’t vulnerable.

He left OP when their first baby was tiny. I think her DH's poor behaviour came first and was the catalyst for OP's loss of feelings of affection and intimacy for her partner. I doubt that he is capable of change and OP would probably feel better if they split up. It certainly isn't six of one and half a dozen of the other. The blame is not equal.

He needs to drop his expectation. He expects you do do everything without complaining. He expects you to want to have sex with him. He expects to you to be the primary parent, work part time and have no down time. His expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic.

I personally think he's having an affair but even if he's not, his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Get proper legal advice and ensure you get everything you're entitled to.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce-or-dissolution/

Collect copies of all his paperwork (payslips, bans statements, pensions, assets/shares, mortgage info, passports) and leave it with your parents.

If you have a joint account, buy the kids clothes/equipment for next 2 sizes up now in the sales. Start to stock up your store cupboards & buy a few extra packs of expensive items like washing powder now.

Sell old clothes & toys and put the money in a new savings account for the kids. Basically start to prepare for a life post divorce, you're a lone parent anyway. The divorce is just a legal formality.

Don't go to the therapy with him again or try to convince him to go. He'll just use it as another tool to manipulate you with.
I get that it can be daunting to stand up to men like this, especially when your self worth has been eroded. Sounds like he's not afraid to use his fists too. So you don't have to confront him directly but you could discretely start making an exit plan and quietly see a solicitor. Personal safety is critical with men like this.

He just doesn’t come across as abusive? I am really struggling to accept that.

But he did say what’s the point in therapy again as they just agree with me anyway.

Do you want your daughter to see this behaviour and think it’s normal? She may end in a similar relationship and be as unhappy as you are, trust me that will be more ‘traumatising’ than him starting a new relationship. In time you might meet the most amazing man and he will realise what he’s lost, you just don’t know x

You said he'd previously punched the walls? Emotional abuse is equally as damaging though. Manipulating you until you can't think straight and accept fewer and fewer crumbs as time goes on.

Go alone. Please never even contemplate going with him again. It's really important that you don't.

OP sadly he's likely to do this anyway & leave you to deal with the fallout. As others have said, he's checked out & your parents are quite right, he's a selfish gaslighting prick. Once rid of him , you'll be less stressed and will get some time to yourself. Make sure he steps up on the parenting front at least alternate weekens - it's time he did some parenting, check what your entitled to for child maintenance & get those ducks in a row. Btw, showing love isn't smacking your arse, my ex did this & I just wanted to punch him. He just wants sex & that's not love. He doesn't deserve you or the children.
Take a deep breath and as him to leave. He's never at home anyway so once the conversation is out of the way, you may find a huge sense of relief.

He's an absolute loser of a man, OP. Come on, you can do so much better. Make 2025 the year that you take the bull by the horns and take back control of your life and your happiness instead of sitting round waiting for this selfish bastard to change. He isn't going to. You're wasting your time. Get your parents' support and move on. You're stuck in a hole and can't see your way out. Make plans. Seize the day. It's a new year, time for a new start.

There are many types of abuse, not just physical. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

I find it's the hope which kills. If you are on your own you have no expectations and then are not disappointed. You can do things your way and if you want to go out or do something make solid plans without relying on him.

There is literally nothing positive about this man. He’s physically repulsive, he sexually harasses you, he treats you like a house slave, and he clearly resents you for bearing his children and ruining his manchild life.

He deliberately sabotaged your night out out of resentment of you having the audacity to expect him to parent his own children.

He is blaming you for everything because he doesn’t care and is lazy. As far as he’s concerned, a wife sorts out the home, looks after the kids, puts no expectations on her husband, and dispenses sex (“love”) on demand. If you’re failing to do any of this then it’s your fault, so why should he bother? He doesn’t see why his relationship and life should have remotely changed after children.

He is selfish, disgusting, useless and immature.

Please don’t worry about the effect of splitting on your kids, they’ll be suffering more from an unhappy mother. It sounds like a “better the devil you know” situation for you. Staying is guaranteed misery. Don’t be worried about this waste of space being someone else’s problem.

My parents split and it honestly wasn’t that bad - and my dad was unemployed and home 24/7! It was a few hours shock and that’s it.

The years long animosity and mind games was hard though - splits only damage children if the parents are acrimonious or absent.

Love bombing

Read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. I think it'll help see the many insidious ways people/men control and abuse without you realising it at first.

He has been mentally abusing you for years OP. That’s why you’re on here questioning yourself and wondering if you’re wrong to want to leave.

Everything about him sounds awful. Truly awful.

He is definitely abusive, you’ve just been conditioned to accept it and the breadcrumbs he throws your way.

That he sits and plays with the kids sometimes seems to be the only nice thing you can say about him. Raise your bar OP.

The fact he left you and your newborn alone when you’d just given birth would’ve been the end of the relationship for me - never mind all this other crap.

If you still love him have a talk with him, a proper’do you see us together, do you like/ love me’ etc. it’ll set something in motion at least, whether that is a good or a bad thing you can only see x best of luck op x

He's basically telling you to suck it up. He'll do what he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. He's awful. He won't like you calling the shots at all but it's time for you to do what's right for yourself & your DC. This is not a relationship that you want to model for them, you all deserve so much better. Imagine this time next year........peace in your heart & your home......with no waste of space sucking the joy from your life. Let him crack on. You'll wonder why you put up with it for so long!!

Definitely love bombing.

I had all this before typical EA type, had slept with someone else whilst we were together, wanted a Stepford Wife type.

He has checked out of the relationship. He might be there in body but not in any other real way. Sorry OP. Best wishes with how you deal with it. Hope you can get the children through without it breaking their hearts.

Please accept your marriage is over. This is down to your DH, not you. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Stop doing anything for him in the house (washing etc) and just look out for yourself and your DC.
Don't worry about the future, you literally need to take a day at a time and starting getting yourself sorted for a divorce.
If you can talk to anyone in RL, that may help. Means others can help support you, with time and so forth. Your parents may help with some child care to give you some head space.
Book an appointment with a solicitor.
Good luck and make 2025 your year for getting your life back.

It sounds as though your life would feel a lot less lonely and scary without him

OP read your posts back and imagine a friend telling you this about their life. This marriage is dead, and abusive to boot. Please don't live like this a moment longer. You have one life, what are you waiting for? Make 2025 your year. Your children are learning that this is normal. It is so far from normal that you can't even see it. I want to give you a big hug and tell you how much better your life will be without him. I really hope and wish that you'll be brave enough to take that first scary step. Go live your life better with your lovely children x