To think my marriage is over

[Fastforwardayear]

So I have been married for 10 years, together for 16 years. Have 2 children aged 4 and 7 and since they came along I have been so lonely. DH is out most night of the week and doesn’t help with much at home. He spends weekends away at various events and thinks that this behaviour is ok. It might be for some people but it isn’t for me. This is not how I thought family life would be. The resentment has built up that much I can’t stand the thought of being intimate with him and he doesn’t feel he needs to change anything to gain that back so I honestly feel we are at a loss. I do love him very much but really, is that enough?. The thought of him meeting somebody else really hurts but I still think that alone isn’t enough to keep us together.

Ex husband also used you never want to have sex line when he was having multiple affairs, taking his anger out on his family and telling me I was frumpy when I wore a size 8 - not that it should matter. The crux is they never will be content with what they have.

You will need energy for a divorce though, so you need to dig deep really. If you continue in this way, your mental health is going to nose dive. You're important too. Stop mooning over this dead beat man. Be a friend to yourself. The future you will thank you. I promise. This isn't partnership. It's dead in the water. You really, really need to start putting yourself first.

He says the hobby doesn’t matter as the kids are in bed anyway and what about, you should matter. He's a selfish person and doesn't seem to consider you at all. I've been there, you matter. You need a support system within the home. It will hurt and it will come in waves BUT atleast you won't have all the sadness and frustration anymore. I was a single mum of two. Kicked my ex out when I was pregnant with #2. It was hard but I wouldn't have changed a thing. Drop him and do what he's been doing, put yourself first.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you are single parenting but with the additional burden of an unloving husband. If you separate, he may feel prompted to take an honest look at himself and pull it together, and even get another woman, but it's unlikely to last and he'll probably revert to type. So it really is a question of ditching the man he is now, and don't worry about the man he may potentially become and any woman he may potentially be with. It sounds like he doesn't have much relationship with the kids so it's not like they are likely to take over your role. I was a single parent and the best thing about it is that you are unencumbered by someone else's stupidity, poor character, snoring, farting, etc. You can find your peace, and that's the first step to recovery. You fear feeling down forever but it's highly likely that your whole perspective would change and you wouldn't.

He can still do that with them after you have sent him on his way. You sound like you want to be free of him and that you can be. You are worried about a future he may have with some other woman. All theoretical. Put yourself first.

OP sorry to be blunt but your marriage is dead. He is taking the piss out of you, please please get rid of him. I promise you will be so much happier

I think maybe ego? It's the ego that will be hurt if/when he meets somebody else and (you think) he does all the effort for them he hasn't done for you. But the ego can be reassured and healed.
In terms of your kids meeting a potential new partner of his, this doesn't need to happen at all. You can decide to fight for a type of custody when it is only him having (supervised) contact with the kids. It doesn't sound like he's bringing much to your kids' life anyway (I might be wrong) and he's not caring for them on his own anyways.

No, you absolutely can't OP , you deserve so much more.
It sounds as if your husband has no insight into what he is doing wrong which suggests there is no solution for potential change.
Yes, this is heart-breaking OP but the situation is destroying you. Step by step, some frank discussions are required and you need to find the strength to make the required changes.
I raised my child singlehandedly and yes it was hard and lonely at times but it gives you an inner strength and peace that is priceless.

@Fastforwardayear Yeah I would stop doing anything for him at all .
Move to another bed or room. Tell Him it’s over and that you need to sort out who loves where and who is doing school pick up and drop off and what the child arrangements are . Oh and finances .
When he realised you are serious and he is going to have to man up and be out on his own he may start the pretend “wanting to change” more manipulation .

You know you want out this marriage . So do it.

He just sounds appalling @Fastforwardayear

Other than his wage, what is he actually contributing to your life?

It's disgusting that he continues to live like he has no other obligations - going out 5 nights a week + football - not even even single people do this.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you have tried everything and he is still incapable of change. This means that you will have to be the adult and make the decision of what is best for you and your DC. Your DH won't do the right thing for the family - he's had years to show you exactly who he is and his priorities.

He sounds like an absolute dickhead

He also said my problem is my expectations. If I drop my expectations I will never be let down.

You should stop obsessing about him meeting another woman . He is abusive and controlling and you cannot see it . How would you feel if your DD met someone like him ? You are exactly where he wanted you to be; you are his servant , he has commodified you . Please do your kids a favour, ditch him and start obsessing about your well-being.

This man is exploiting you op.
He's doing it because he thinks he has all the power and that you have no way of escaping the situation that doesn't leave you in an even worse situation.
I'd say the reason he was willing to have children is that he knew it would give him more power over you, you are forced to do all the domestic work while he gets to carry on life as normal.
Part of the reason he's nice to the children is that they benefit him, i.e they are part of the means by which he controls and dominates you.

I don't blame you dropping the sex @Fastforwardayear sounds ghastly.
I don't believe he wanted to be a DF, in his head that was the price he paid to stay with you so he feels justified in doing as he likes and leaving it all to you _ I've known several men who aren't interested in being a DF, they think it's their wives hobby and go and do their own thing.

He's talking shit, I would pretend to agree with him . . . whilst making a solid plan to escape the bastard!

You really need to stop giving the slightest shit what he says.

What absolute bollocks!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not lower your standards for him. You deserve the best and more. He's making my piss boil!

How could he have been so nice in the beginning?

I’ve read your posts @Fastforwardayear and skimmed the rest. Sadly my gut instinct is that he has another woman. Most men moderate their personal time and hobbies and don’t show disdain for their wife for coping with so much home life alone.

You don’t love him, you’re mourning how it used to be, how it could be, how other people’s relationships are and you’re scared and apprehensive about a new future without him in it.

It’s a very hard thing to contemplate, but all the time you cling to this marriage, the barrier is up against a brighter life for you and your children.

Edit, so sorry if this comes across as harsh, it’s meant to be supportive and perhaps a bit inspirational for better times.

Personally I think no, love isn’t enough - and I say this as someone who’s had to think a lot about that over the last year.

I have a friend like that (he’s out 5/7 nights of the week) and it seems to work for his family, but we’re all baffled about it. Maybe it does work for some families but I suspect they’re in the minority.

That's how abuser function, it's almost like grooming. If they were obnoxious from the beginning, you wouldn't fall under their control.

He’s just gaslighting you op - he knows what he’s doing is wrong but he won’t admit it to you bc then he’d have to make steps to change wouldn’t he?

He doesn’t want to change.

Don’t listen to the posters on here telling you to carry on giving this twat more and more chances - it seems there are some relics from the 50’s out in force today. no one in their right mind would think you were anything but perfectly justified in leaving him.

And therapy isn’t advised with abusers, which this dickhead clearly is to anyone that can recognise it.

That’s how some men are though. Nice to start with then their true colours start showing after you’ve been with them a while or got married/had DC.

I was reading about North Korea divorce punishments.

The one to ask for a divorce is sent to a hard labour camp for 6 months.
Most of the camp mates are female.

Made me think, to sacrifice 6 months of your life, a broken family and the shame of being divorced, things must be pretty bad.

Admire those women, breaking free at any cost!

If they can do it, so can you. Free yourself, only you hold the key to your life.

Well funnily enough when we went to therapy he did say I told you she would just agree with everything I said!?