Breastfeeding comment

[PregnantAtLast]

I'm currently 2 months pregnant. Shared the good news with parents over Christmas, all lovely.

I told my mum I'd be breastfeeding when she asked. She said "Oh, will you be getting one of those shawls like your cousin had?"
(Basically to cover myself and the baby when I am feeding).

It made me feel really uncomfortable that she expects me to cover myself feeding my child in my own family home.

AIBU to push back on this and insist on feeding how I want to, or do I need to respect her wishes when I'm in her home?

The fact you think ‘breast’ is upper class says rather a lot.

Yes all discomforts should be respected and if you read my posts I also said that everyone has a choice.

So if I say I’m uncomfortable with a bottle feeder, or an ugly person, or a tall person, being near me that’s a valid discomfort?

Respect is not automatically given

I haven’t called you a bad mother. I have no idea if you even have kids. But you are a misogynist and juvenile. Not because I don’t agree with you but because you’re shown yourself to be

I’m not sure you know how analogies work, or your thought process is quite scattered and uncritical because your analogies don’t work.

Anyway, it’s been fun but I’m out. I’m not going to carry on debating with people who resort to playground insults and can’t remember what they’ve said.

I’ve given several but surely feeding a baby analogy is perfect if you don’t like the more “extreme” ones?

Interesting that you won’t answer though.

You're asking people's opinions, and getting them. If you're just going to entrench deeper into your own opinion, that's fine, but don't ask in the first place. I personally wouldn't care shawl, no shawl, it's just breastfeeding and just a shawl or a breast, but not my house, not my rules.

Sorry I used the word ‘their’ instead of ‘your’

I meant I don’t understand why anyone would want to sit in a room with their boobs out.

I wasn’t referring to multiple breastfeeding women. I was talking about as an example, you are at a family gathering with your dad, grandad, aunts and uncles etc, I personally wouldn’t want to sit there breastfeeding without a cover on in that particular situation.

I don’t have an issue with anyone breastfeeding whether they cover up or not, it’s their choice. Either way the baby is still getting fed, but I genuinely don’t understand why some people get so insulted by the fact that not everyone wants to sit their with their boobs out for all to see and why covering up is such a travesty.

I meant I don’t understand why anyone would want to sit in a room with their boobs out.

To feed their baby @satsumaqueen obviously

t I genuinely don’t understand why some people get so insulted by the fact that not everyone wants to sit their with their boobs out for all to see and why covering up is such a travesty.

Who is insulted by this? Literally no one had been offended at women who do want to cover up

But nobody is insulted by that. I never felt like I was in the least exposed when feeding in front of any number of people. I get why someone might and it makes me sad they would feel they have to cover up but if they do they do.

What people are rightly so angry about is being told by other people they should feel exposed and they should feel like they need to cover up.

Your mum sounds like she has more of a nudity issue than a breastfeeding issue and I would respect that and be discreet. There is no need to hide or lock yourself away but there is also no need to flip your bangers out for all to see. I breast fed both my children and I did it wherever I needed to- Tesco, friend’s house, at a church funeral, opening the door to the postie and no one cared. I generally wore a vest under a top so I could pull one up and the other down. Not hiding but discrete. On the other hand, my friends SiL didn’t think twice about pulling her entire boob over her vest top to feed the baby but once baby had finished she unlatched, wiped baby’s mouth, removed bib etc and put the baby in her car seat all whilst still swinging her tit in the wind 😂. That got some raised eyebrows!

My breasticles don't get that much cover due to twins feeding, but I can assure you when I get my norks out in Starbucks the only tits out are people who give frappè about how I'm feeding.

You mightn’t agree with people being embarrassed seeing others breastfeeding…but it’s not abnormal. In UK society at least, in this culture, quite a lot of people do find it embarrassing. So even though you wish it were otherwise, well, it’s just not for lots of ordinary people. You are lying to yourself if you think otherwise.

It’s not ideal obviously and hopefully it’s something that’s changing. I think it is, but there’s a long way to go. I don’t think militant, intolerant attitudes like yours will help though @ShesNotACowShesAFox .
You won’t accept any compromise (eg the suggestion OP take her mum’s feelings into consideration by telling her when she was about to BF so mum could look away was ‘too much of a faff’). Society isn’t going to fall into line just because you’re screeching and roaring and flinging insults - you’ll just alienate people. Many of us on this thread are backing away slowly at this stage.

@DappledThings
I completely understand not wanting to be told by others that you’re exposing yourself when you’re just trying to feed a child. Completely get that! But some people are embarrassed by even partial, fleeting glimpses of exposed breast because of our cultural influences. That will change the more women breastfeed and the more it’s normalised in families but that’s where we are right now. Everyone showing each other some consideration as we move forward is what will work best imho.

I think it’s perfectly possible to breastfeed a baby without flashing anything. So you don’t need a special shawl. But I’d have thought you’d want to avoid trying to feed a baby when people around you are tense, as that will affect you.
So if you think it will make your parents uncomfortable, or alternatively, you annoyed and resentful at their attitude, then it’s best to plan a way round that. If a shawl is a trigger for you, find some other way of doing it that also doesn’t make them feel uncomfortable.
Layers are the way forward.

It's no surprise that so many women don't want to breastfeed when you see language like 'flashing', 'getting your tits out' etc.
Can't you folks with the breastfeeding hang-ups not see it for what it is, a mother is FEEDING a child. It's not rocket science. Can we please stop putting breastfeeding in the same camp as 'flashing your tits'?
Those saying they would not be comfortable with breastfeeding, are actually not comfortable with a mother feeding her child. Do you see how insane it is now?

Do what you want outside of her home, but I do think you should respect her wishes if she's uncomfortable. If you would rather not go round there so be it but I think ifs disrespect to expect to do whatever you want at the expense of others comfort in their own home.

Everyone is different. She doesn't have to go round her mums if she'd rather be uncovered. You should respect people's preferences in their own home

This 100%. I can only assume lots of posters are unfamiliar with the reality of breastfeeding for most women and are projecting an idea of what it’s like rather than the actual, quite discrete process it is. It’s so sad to me how vehemently against a normal, natural and healthy process many women are.

Also, one of the loveliest things about breastfeeding is the beautiful eye contact you get with the baby while they feed. If you whack a cover over them, you’d lose that.

Don’t get me wrong, if a woman prefers a cover then that’s her prerogative, but it feels like a step backwards that some posters are making that out to be ‘respectful’ or ‘modest’ as of normal breastfeeding is disrespectful, immodest, or involves actual nudity (which, aside from the outlandish and extreme examples some posters have given, it doesn’t normally).

I also continue to be baffled by the ‘my home my rules’ argument without any limit. I generally agree with respecting people’s views in their homes. But there must be a limit to that, surely? Some reasons people feel uncomfortable might be totally ridiculous (in my view this one is, but others who disagree can surely think of something that they would think unreasonable, offensive or ridiculous) and in that case I think you as a guest are entitled to stand up to that.

@Nomnomnew op doesn't have to go round to her mums if they don't see eye to eye on it.

@DappledThings
I completely understand not wanting to be told by others that you’re exposing yourself when you’re just trying to feed a child. Completely get that! But some people are embarrassed by even partial, fleeting glimpses of exposed breast because of our cultural influences. That will change the more women breastfeed and the more it’s normalised in families but that’s where we are right now. Everyone showing each other some consideration as we move forward is what will work best imho.
And how does that consideration work then? The only way it does in this scenario is if the one when's trying to just get on with feeding her baby capitulated and either leaves the room or faffs about with some kind of unnecessary cover. Or the one who has a hang-up realises it's her problem and just doesn't look. As soon as covers come out they become normalised and suddenly being "uncovered" is some kind of statement as opposed to just being the default.

I don't recognise the situation where OP's mum's views are common. Everyone breastfed 8 years ago where I was and I never knew anyone use one of those cover things. It just wasn't any issue.

So if the breast feeding mum wants to cover up that's OK but if someone else wants them to cover up they are a weirdo / misogynist/ thicko / halfwit or whatever else insult you want to throw at them

We seem to down to the hard-core breastfeeders in their echo chamber now but I will just say this to @ShesNotACowShesAFox.
Assuming I am one of the 'thickos' you so eloquently posted about last night?
Let me tell you, it's nothing to do with being thick, misogynistic, embarrassing or any of the other insults you have hurled at posters who don't agree with you.
It's everything to do with showing respect for others, the art of compromise and learning to get along with others, regardless of whether you agree with their views or not.
The rudeness you have shown makes me think you are not that intelligent yourself, to be honest.
As other posters have said, people have different levels of tolerance and that's their perogative, especially in their own home.
To take something like this, which is so easily resolved by a little compromise, and turn it into a massive issue, with references to starving babies and name-calling those who have not seen your light, is ridiculous.
And more to the point, your ranting has not persuaded anyone that you are right, so you need to accept that regardless of how unpleasant you are, you can't railroad people into changing their minds because you say so.
If you carry on like this in real life, I am surprised you have any friends or family left to insult. Unless of course, you are one if those who only mix with people who agree with you.

Yes that’s pretty much it (though I wouldn’t use those words) - like if you want to walk around dressed as tinkerbell that’s fine but if I want to insist you dress as tinkerbell that’s weird.

But what is disrespectful about feeding your baby? That is all it is, no more no less. There is no substance to what you and others are saying that it is somehow disrespectful.

i have a ND sibling who is “funny” about nudity and would probably feel less awkward if no one was breastfeeding around them, however they never say a word to me - just look in a different direction away from the tiny sliver of boob that may be showing when I feed my baby. Should I feed the baby elsewhere to accommodate them? I don’t think so because they love her and me and they don’t want to make us leave the room, they just sort the “problem” themselves by averting their eyes.

There's nothing disrespectful about feeding a baby, no one has said this.
But there's everything disrespectful about going into someone else's home and doing something you know makes them feel uncomfortable.
That's the issue, nothing more

But that "disrespectful" thing is just feeding a baby. The person finding that disrespectful is choosing to feel that way about someone else doing something completely normal.

But if feeding the baby is precisely what's making the person uncomfortable, therefore is disrespectful according to what you've said, what then?

Breastfeeding mothers need their breasts to feed babies. The clue is in the name. If you decide you can't ever bear a glimpse of breast, then you are saying a baby can't be fed in your vicinity.

Personally I can't imagine a mother who would ever do this to their daughter at a time when the daughter has a vulnerable infant to care for. I guess it takes all sorts. 🤷‍♀️