Should I of gotten in the car?

[CountryVic]

I have a friend with 2 kids, ages 5 and 10, her 10 year old has additional needs and can be quite hard work (suspected ADHD).

When we go out together, she has to drive because of the car seat requirement for her 5 year old. Lately her 10 year old will not get out of the front seat when picking me up, I’ve had to resort to sitting in the back with the 5 year old and her car is not overly roomy in the back seat. The last time I was in the back for 1 hour 20 mins each way and it was super uncomfortable on my back. In the past when I have managed to get in the front seat before him, he has kicked the chair constantly on the drive back.

Last week I was asked if I wanted to go watch their football game, so I said yes but that I needed to sit in the front seat. I reminded him of this on Monday when I bumped into them down the street. They came to pick me up this morning for 7.45am. He was not going to get out of the front seat, no amount of telling off or bribing or threats from his mum worked, and he was really shouting and winding the window up and down, if the door was opened he would slam it, my neighbour actually called out is everything ok? So I shut the door and said I’ll drive my own car and meet you there. She was a bit put out by this but I said my backs not been that great and I don’t want to sit in the back for 45 mins and he’s clearly not going to move.

So she left, I got in my car, but then realised that I didn’t know which football oval they were playing on. I tried calling her but no answer so I sent a text saying I needed the oval name and address and set off to the area I thought it was in. 15 mins into the drive I stopped for a takeaway coffee, no text response from her, called again and no answer. So I sent another text and said I’ll have to give it a miss as not sure which oval, and I went home.

I got a message from her at 11am saying it was a shame I missed out on their great day out and next time I should be a little bit more tolerant, because I know how their son can be, and that flexibility goes a long way in a friendship. I’ve responded that from now on it just may be easier if I drive myself, and that I’ve always been accomodating to her family’s needs, but the shouting at 7.30am was just to much for me.

Should I of gotten in her car? AIBU here to say I’ll drive myself from now on, so I can avoid all the drama? It does mean we can’t catch up in the car but to be honest he’s usually talking over the top of everyone and cuts you off so it’s not like the conversation is flowing well. I do enjoy spending time with them and she says she appreciates the extra hand as we typically do kid things when her husband is not available, and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all, and my own entry into events. My children are in their 20s now so maybe I’m less tolerant. I do value our friendship, we’re the same age but I had my kids at 25, 27 and 30 and she had hers at 37 and 42 - we’re both 48 this year.

TLDR - would you sit in the back seat of a car if a child wouldn’t move for you? Or drive yourself.

OP you sound like a lovely person but also a bit of a mug. Please stop with handouts and free babysitting. This is very transactional, one sided 'friendship'

Well as someone who has lived in Scotland for 65 years "gotten" is news to me.

The substitution of "of" for "have" grates. I suppose people don't understand "should've" is a contraction of "should have" We're always being told it's bad form to point out grammatical errors but I think I would prefer to know if I were making a mistake like that.

Well as someone who has lived in Scotland for 65 years "gotten" is news to me.

Well then, today you've increased your knowledge ever so slightly. How great is that!?

I still won't use "gotten". It sounds wrong. It's not a fair comparison with "outwith" - which obviously is a real word. If "gotten" is used in speech in Scotland it should not be used in written communication.

Ah I see - I thought you were referring to the choice of words that were used to ask the kid to move once they arrived at OPs.

Yeah I stated upthread he shouldn’t have been in the front seat to begin with. It’s asking for trouble to let him sit there then ask him to move. But then even if he had moved to then back or been sat in the back already - he kicks the back of the front seat when OP sits there which isn’t great for anyone but especially if you have back problems. So I think it’s for the best that OP drives herself from now on.

Sometimes it is good for situations to come to a head like this, as it can reveal deeper issues with the friendship dynamics.

So either way, I’m glad OP is using the opportunity to pull back a bit from 1:1 meetings and all the support she gives and spend more time socialising with her friend in less intense/group situations instead.

I was brought up to consider the comfort of my guests, but you do you

i think you need to let her know she is not helping her son by letting him rule the roost like this

I am not ‘doing’ anything! I am talking about 2 friends arguing with each other as to who deserves the front seat …. and it’s in my car!

No one is saying you should use it. Just that you shouldn't correct someone who does.

If one of my employees produced a document with "gotten" in it I absoultely would and should correct it.

I'm sceptical about it being used "all the time" in Scotland. It's a bit like posters who insist that swearing is used all the time in Scotland and is just a friendly endearment.

You can be as sceptical as you like. I grew up using it in the Central Belt, and still hear it a lot. Never gave it a moment's thought until MNetters started bleeting about it not being a word. Multiple threads have been done to death on the subject already though. 'Outwith' has similarly been the subject of debate.

I probably would not use gotten in a written document, although I would use 'outwith'. I remember a fellow student on my university course (Scottish university) telling me how they'd had an essay back marked by a tutor (English) with the word 'outwith' underlined in red and a comment in the margin saying it wasn't a word. So even using 'outwith' within Scotland can be risky.

Sounds like the son has a lot of power on that household. Wow.

First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging. HTH

I've just twigged the name of this poster. "Rude and dismissive" has been used about them several times, which makes absolute sense.
Suspect they'll return with an even bigger shovel 😂

Treating people posting on MN as though they were your employees producing a formal document for your work place would not be appropriate behaviour on your part - and something everyone on here should be correcting.

An adult friend, who has a bad back and will be in pain in the back seat, versus a child who can (and should for his safety) sit in the back. And no one is arguing, OP has just said she cannot sit in the back

At 10 he should still be in a HBB unless he is really tall and should be sitting in the back for safer reasons. Why your friend thinks a 2 door car is suitable for 2 kids is beyond me.

How has she dealt with with the kicking in the past? I would have refused to travel with them again after that tbh. She sounds like a cheeky f*cker. Stop going on family outings to make her life easier, the oldest sounds like a brat, I wouldn’t want to spend time with him if could avoid it.

Nonsense . Every Tom Dick and Harry that I will have a conversation with in Australia knows EXACTLY what gotten means .

I was talking about me and my friends squabbling amongst themselves! You haven’t read my post properly.

why don't people who wanna chat 'grammar lessons' start a new thread???
for people who want to read the OP's original thread it's boring having to sift through the shit on here🙏🏻

and I always pay for lunch or dinner for us all

Just read OP. Why do you do this? Seems very generous, paying for a family of 3 as well as yourself.

Think she's got a fucking cheek saying you need to be more flexible, while sponging free food off you all the time!

Kind of everyone is at fault here. Mum knows a nice non-disabled child would just move for an adult (or child) that found sitting in the back painful. Quite possibly, sadly in a way, HE also knows this. He knows he should move, he knows he could move, but his disabled brain tells him that sitting in the back is not ok. He is distressed by it.

Neither of them wanted to say "no X sits in the front" because that makes him that disabled child, who's brain stops him doing normal things. Neither of them want him not to be able to move for an adult who's in pain, because he should be able to do that. Moreover, he quite possibly wants to do that, but his stupid brain won't let him.

You have every right to want to sit in comfort, but making them both go through this is not ok. None of this is ok. Sometimes with disabilities it just isn't ok, but it just is. Get a new ride, save all of you the difficulties. (Or just accept sitting in the back, but there is no reason you should subject yourself to pain.)

Yet Education Departments who set the curriculum have gotten as an official word. Because it is; it is written, taught and used in essays and thesis.

We're always being told it's bad form to point out grammatical errors but I think I would prefer to know if I were making a mistake like that.

Yes, that's the problem, if no one ever points it out to you, you'll never know or learn. This 'don't point it out' attitude people have on here helps precisely no one.

Gotten is far more of a real word than 'outwith' (which just sounds like slang) is or ever will be.