To go off sick? Would you in this situation?

[Bhuwilo]

I’m exhausted. That’s it really. Have a toddler and dh works away in the week. I despise the nursery run as I also work full time and the whole process of getting dd ready etc and in the car is exhausting. I used to love my career. I just want a few weeks off. I don’t mean annual leave (can’t do that as don’t have enough) but I mean a few weeks off trying to meet everyone’s needs but my own. A few weeks of dropping dd then focusing on myself. I’m so burnt out. Is this reasonable? Have you done it or would you?

You're not a doctor, so could be diagnosed as not.
OP doesn't have a diagnosis so it all opinions.

27 days of annual leave (plus whatever sick leave and public holidays presumably)
One child
A job
A home
A husband who is absent during the week, present at the weekends.

It’s not normal to want to stop your life and get off, with only that going on in your life. It’s not normal as a woman of child-bearing age to not be able to cope without help during the week. It’s not normal to think that over 5 weeks of paid leave a year isn’t enough with just the above going on. You need to take responsibility for yourself and your child: your life isn’t working for you. Are you physically unwell? Do you need to move jobs? Move house? Do you need paid help? Do you have a parent who can help temporarily? Can you change nursery hours? Can you go PT? Have you lowered your standards at home? Are you eating enough? Do you need to see a therapist? Does your DH need to find a job where he is home during the week and you are away?

Get a hold of yourself and make the changes you need. You have a child who you want to escape from - you can’t do that to her. You have responsibilities. You and your husband have to sort this out.

That you don’t think it will doesn’t mean a)it won’t or b) that she’s not entitled to it.
How about you carry on doing what you like and leave other people’s rights alone?

Burn out is an actual diagnosis, so I’m not reading the rest. What’s the point when you’ve no clue?

It’s not normal because she’s ill. Ffs. Legs normally support you but they stop if you break them.

There is so much ignorance here about mental health and about employment law. So many women happy to bring another down and support her employer’s rights over hers. Disappointing.
I shan’t be commenting any more or responding to people quoting me. It’s pointless. You are all so sure you are perfect and the OP is a lazy waster (and yes, lazy wasters exist, but why assume someone is just to be vile?).

I am not disagreeing that you are entitled to take sick leave for genuinely diagnosed mental health issues.

What I am challenging is that just because it was genuine sick leave for you, it is automatically genuine mental health/sick leave for the 'exhausted' OP. You should recognise that you are projecting because of your personal circumstances.

PS I am not nasty. We are only disagreeing. It is unnecessary to get personal or resort to name calling for differences of opinion.

She hasn't even seen a doc. And she said herself, the setup is not working. This is not burnout. It's an insult to anyone who is actually suffering from it.

Where does it say she’s ill .

She says she’s tired, exhausted.

That’s not “ill”.

Absolutely nobody has said any of those things. The only person posting abuse here is you. Burnout is no more a diagnosis than "stress" - both are meaningless terms medically. They describe a collection of described symptoms, but the actual diagnosis medically would be far more specific and meaningful. I can see nobody who has said that the OP shouldn't have time off work, nor that they haven't a right to be tired or exhausted. What pretty much everyone is saying is that the way to resolve the problem is not to go off sick because that is not where the problem lies - it lies with choices the OP and her husband have made in both choosing to work full time, having the husband away all week, and having a child with the attendant responsibilities and demands. The employer is not responsible for any of those issues. Nobody is supporting the employers "rights" - they are pointing out that the employer is in no way responsible for any of this and the OP is not ill - they are tired because they are, in the vernacular, burining the candle at both ends. That is unsustainable and a few weeks off won't change any of that.

If every woman who was tired took time off work sick to "reset" there would be nobody in bloody work! The answer is not to blame working full time and the employer - it is to sort out the issues in your family life that are underpinning that exhaustion. The OP isn't the only person in the world who has faced a struggle balancing family life, especially without a partner being around to help - but they are one of the few who think it's someone elses fault.

Wind your neck in. I am as entitled to my opinion as anyone and I have made suggestions to help the OP along with others. Just because you don’t agree with my comments doesn’t mean you have any right to tell me what to do.
You are way too invested and being rude to people who have tried to help and be constructive.

You've no evidence she's ill, the OP hasn't said that! You seem to be projecting your own stuff onto an OP who has only said she's tired from working and managing her own child, and that getting weekends off isn't enough.

And your broken leg analogy doesn't work - if OP has time off after breaking her leg getting it run over by a tank, then goes back and puts her same leg under a tank again, she'll just have a broken leg again. That why posters are saying she needs to address the actual issues and not just go off sick and do nothing else different.

Take the time because you need it.
People keep stressing that your load is normal... but being unable to cope with a usual load is an indication that something is up and a person is not coping!
You can take the time to rest and when you feel a bit less overwhelmed see what steps you can take to make things more manageable.
People can be unkind, so it's especially important to be kind to yourself.

God this is Mumsnet at its worst. Like a competitive race to the bottom.

OP it is hard and exhausting and so many other variables come in to it. I had a similar set up with a DH who worked away, I had a full time job and was exhausted by the time I made it to my desk in the morning. I could not cope either. It’s ok to say it’s causing you to burn out.

You have my sympathy. If you feel like a couple of weeks will get you back on track then by all means do it. But I would start to think about long term. It gets harder when they go to school and not easier.

I ended up retraining and going part time. What I wish I’d done more of - passing stuff over to DH when he was actually around. Getting in more help. Looking after myself more.

I haven’t read the whole thread as the competitive ‘I did this as a single Mum with 6 children and I was fine’ brigade were pissing me off. But you do need to have a chat with your DH and something needs to change. Either your job or his.

Completely agree. She just needs to see her GP who will work out whether there are any underlying health issues, mental or physical and take it from there. Whether meds, rest, reduced responsibilities, more support from either work, DH or family are for her and her doctor to work out what's needed, feasible and reasonable. There are a lot of opinions and judgements based on very little info being bandied about. I don't know why it is we don't trust doctors to do their jobs properly and be able to work out who's lying or not (they're not idiots!) but they are the only ones whose opinions count IMHO.

I was exhausted from looking after a toddler, had a husband who worked away a lot and little support other than nursery (which toddler was an absolute nightmare to get ready for every morning).

I kept getting colds that I couldn't get over before the next hit and no time to rest. Nothing you'd go to the doctor with. It was over about 6 or 7 weeks. I felt so run down, but I didn't go to the doctor about that either, because what would they do? It was making me feel low, as lack of sleep and battling colds can, but I wouldn't have called it a mental health issue, so no GP appointment for that either.

I then got flu, along with my husband. We felt dreadful. He recovered, I ended up in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. I strongly believe this was down to the exhaustion, caused by the relentlessness of life at the time, lowering my immunity until my body could no longer cope. I was hospitalised for a week and took months longer to fully recover. It caused MH problems, very scary ones. I suffered post-sepsis insomnia and anxiety which culminated in psychosis. I truly believed my husband was, along with the GP, trying to kill me. I was physically still incredibly weak and contending with the most frightening experience of my life. All because I had to keep going, because the reasons to stop weren't good enough. There's no underlying condition that's been identified since so I'm fairly sure exhaustion was the overall cause.

I worked for myself but gave up after the illness as that was the only thing I could do to ease the situation. I couldn't move house to be nearer to husband's work, he works all over the country/world. I couldn't get grandparents to babysit, half are dead the other half elderly and not in a position to. I couldn't take paid holidays, I was freelance. We already had a cleaner , who had previously reduced to a once a fortnight service, and they were the only service to cover our area. I couldn't find a dog walker, despite trying various options for months. We didn't have a nanny as my child hadn't settled at all when we'd tried.

You don't know what of the situation is the OP's choice. At the point where you're so exhausted you turn anonymously to an online forum in desperation, it's quite possible that you just can't think beyond how exhausted you are and how you're going to make it to the next day. I can't imagine reading your posts will help the OP, which is the usual point of proffering advice.

It's clear you're angry about something, quite possibly very legitimately so. But it isn't the OP, of whom you know very little. I've read some compassionate posts with ideas that may work for the OP once they have time to breath and take stock. I just don't think they are at a point currently where they can process things well, everything is hopeless as they feel now.

If they need time off, I hope they take it, however works for them. Because nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth sacrificing your physical or mental health for.

You don't know what of the situation is the OP's choice.

We do, because if you had read the full thread you would know that it is the OP's choice, because it says so in black and white. Every possible legitimate suggestion has been rejected by the OP. She won't cut her hours and work less than full time. Won't move closer to husbands work. Husband won't find a job that allows him to be at home. Etc etc. And absolutiely nobody, myself included, has said don't take time off and don't take stock. I said take time off - use annual leave or parental leave, which are the correct leaves for this situation.

Your situation, where you were demonstrably ill, is entirely different. At no point in 15 pages has the OP actually said that they are ill - they are tired yes, not ill.

You are making pretty nasty observations about me when you have obviously failed to read the thread or all my posts making a series of POSITIVE suggestions which the OP has rejected entirely, nor that they are actually opinions held by and repeated by the majority of posters on this thread - perhaps you shouldn't be projecting your feelings on to others without cause.

I think you may have missed my point. Exhaustion ignored can have serious consequences and make you very ill indeed.

Sometimes the feeling you need to stop is the indication. I probably would have baulked at taking holidays at that point, as it would have meant even less rest further along to me at that point. Exhaustion can make it very difficult to think clearly.

The OP may not be able to cut her hours, not every household can survive without 2 full time salaries. Not all jobs permit it. We're currently moving house and even if it would have been a long term answer for us (it wasn't) I can assure you it isn't going to cure tiredness in the short term. I honestly don't think what's written in the thread can be taken as a complete audit of the OPs situation. That's why I'm not sure why you seem so angered by it?

I'm not sure I've said anything nasty about you, certainly not intentionally, but apologise if that's how it's come across.

I do think @EmmaMaria your posts come across as a little aggressive and there’s no need for it. All the capitals and underlining. The OP is saying she’s exhausted it’s not for you to judge whether she genuinely is or not or whether you would be given her lifestyle. There’s no need to get angry.

If you feel the OP isn’t taking on board your suggestions then leave it, rather than criticise other posters who have a bit more empathy.

Could be said for every poster, just post to the OP and leave it.
Everyone is entitles to post.

That's judgemental and aggressive - saying that I don't have empathy is your opinion. Perhaps you should take your own advice. Nobody has to read my posts - if you don't like them then ignore them.

My friends husband died, she is a single mother of two and a teacher with all the additional work that involves. Yes she’s very busy, but that’s where a support network and making plans for things comes in.

She doesn’t take ‘sickies’ to cope. She arranges her life to manage her priorities. She allows friends and relatives to help out.

Stop trying to do it all. I’m sure you have friends/relatives, speak to them. If you have to go part time then do that, the money works itself out eventually. If your partner has to go part time or look for more local
work then spell this out to them.

It is your problem and you need to step up and sort it out - it isn’t your employers problem. Why should they be out of pocket because you can’t manage your commitments outside of work? Plenty of families have one parent who works away (military families are the first who come to mind).

Which is all very well unless OP has an underlying health issue, or it has tipped over from tiredness into exhaustion. Exhaustion can have longer term effects and affect a person's ability to bounce back and is a Dr's job to help work out a recovery plan. OP is entitled to short term support until the cause has been found, otherwise she risks becoming more unwell. She's pretty much given up on the thread now in any case, but I hope she has reached out to her gp and can make any adjustments she needs to.