To go off sick? Would you in this situation?

[Bhuwilo]

I’m exhausted. That’s it really. Have a toddler and dh works away in the week. I despise the nursery run as I also work full time and the whole process of getting dd ready etc and in the car is exhausting. I used to love my career. I just want a few weeks off. I don’t mean annual leave (can’t do that as don’t have enough) but I mean a few weeks off trying to meet everyone’s needs but my own. A few weeks of dropping dd then focusing on myself. I’m so burnt out. Is this reasonable? Have you done it or would you?

Thankfully my my employers (HR/employment specialists!) occupational health and colleagues have been 100% supportive of my health needs. They have my total loyalty and dedication and know I work hard and go above and beyond when I can 🤷‍♀️

What I found really makes things worse is feeling like you have to spill your private medical details to one and all to warrant any support.

Yes I have 27 days annual leave. That’s barely anything over a year. I don’t know if people are actually understanding that I do 100% of everything for our child AND a full day of work. Even single parents often share that 50-50.

Why can’t your husband step up and do more?

@NewYorkherewecome he works away in the week. This can’t be changed. It’s not possible for us to move closer to his work either.

so have you been to the GP and explained how you're feeling @Bhuwilo ?

Sorry but his first priority has to be to you and your child therefore if it’s as bad as it sounds he should be taking the time off work to help and support you. You have a partner and they need to step up and help by taking time off and then once you’ve rested and he goes back to work he needs to do more at the weekend. Again look at cleaners, reducing hours etc.

I think people do understand that! And have offered some sympathy and solutions. It's not too unusual to have a partner that works away.
Like I said above my husband works away, I have 2 kids, teach 4 days a week and spend time most weekends caring for a dying parent. So I do grasp perfectly that you're doing all the drop offs/cooking etc!
Working FT does make a difference though. I reduced my hours a bit so I have one half day a week off and that has helped.
Can you compress hours/WFH or reduce hours? And if you genuinely do feel too unwell to work for a short spell, what would you use the time to do, otherwise you'd just be going back to more of the same?

But that is yours and his choice. He needs to step up or you need to reduce your hours. I don't see why your company needs to be short changed by you going off sick.

And often they do it all themselves.

You are rejecting every solution other than cheating your employer and colleagues out of the contribution you are paid to make. Can't move, can't change jobs, husband can't change jobs, etc etc

How about an au pair?

its not about ‘relaxing a bit’. That’s like telling someone with depression to just cheer up. Would you do that?
Burn out is sickness. That’s what sick leave is for.

Yes, we are understanding. Because we're all either in or have been in exactly the same position but without the amateur dramatics. Look, if for whatever reason you're not coping then you need to either buy in help or reduce your hours at work. It's not an illness. People have been suggesting this for days now and you're still trying to convince us that somehow you're unusual by having sole care of a child and working full time.

Mental health issues are illness.

Single parents typically don’t share 50:50. Unless I’m actually in hospital ill (in which case I would need family support), I’m responsible for DS all the time except 3 nights a fortnight. That includes almost all working days. You have a husband you can ring and talk to, and can ask him to consider using leave to help you.

Leave that aside: what can you leave until the weekend or outsource such that you only have to do childcare after work and not also run ragged. Can you afford a cleaner? Do you have enough clothes for dh to do all the laundry at weekends?

People are understanding that, it's just that what you are describing is actually quite normal for a lot of people. 27 days annual leave is also very much standard. If your husband is home at weekends then why can't he do 100% of everything for your child on the weekends to give you a proper break? You asked if YABU to take sick leave in your situation and if others would do it, most people are saying no they wouldn't and offering other suggestions but you seem unwilling to engage with any of these. Working full time with young kids basically means you have zero free time from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed, that's just life unfortunately but if you can't cope then you need a different job or your husband needs a different job.

Your DH cannot step up to parent his child so you expect your employer to fund the fact that you are not coping with an absent husband? Really?

What is exactly stopping you from reducing your hours? Because that is what needs doing. You have a husband problem, not one with your work. Not sure why you cannot understand that?

why can't you move closer to his work? what is the barrier to that?

Also, you are not alone all the time. 2 days out of 7 he is at home. 27 days is generous. what you are dealing with is by no means and unusual heavy burden. Just normal stuff really and less on your plate than many others. If you think being a sole parent is easier as it give you a break 50 percent of the time, than try that? What is stopping you?

OP just get yourself to the doctor. You haven't given any other detail except that you're tired - you need to chat over with the doctor and find out whether there is anything else going on. Based on that you can make a plan. You might need blood tests, you might need antidepressants/other meds. You may or may not need some time off, depending what the doctor thinks! You may eed to reduce your hours, but the doctor will help you work whether that's a temporary need or a loger term reduction of hours is necessary (with a lot less judgement than on here!).

@Bhuwilo

So I assume he can take over at the weekends, no?

Op you have decided to work full time and decided to have a child. Everyone has given you options for making life easier (ie. Reduce your work hours at current job, change your job, get a childminder to do drop offs and pick ups, move closer to your husband's work, reduce your husband's work hours, husband changes his job, get a cleaner).

And if you need a break you can take some (up to 4 weeks) parental leave (unpaid) to add to your annual leave allowance.

Taking time off sick puts the cost of your decisions on your employer. I don't think you should go off sick unless you are sick and until you have sorted out your work life balance. As that seems that is the only issue.

Hmm, so that will be 27 days PLUS public holidays, because you can't possibly have 27 days only.

I think we are mostly understanding everything - you have CHOSEN to do everything for your child so that your husband can work away from home, whilst also working full time yourself. And you think it is your employers fault that you made that choice.

You really are going all out for proving why employers shouldn't employ women of child-bearing age. And it is insulting to suggest that single parents do less than you.

It's good that not everyone feels like this.
Yes, there is more to life than work but work comes with duties and responsibilities, irrespective of your circumstances.
Feeling burnt out and snowed under is pretty typical of people working and parenting.
I've worked with people who feel differently and take time off with seemingly no conscience or consideration for colleagues.
So each to their own

This
FYI, I worked FT as a single parent and felt constantly stressed out and playing catch up. But I never took time off for stress when I felt I wasn't coping.
And I had no-one to share parenting with!
As I said, each to their own

Sounds more like you need to work out your work life balance.
I worked full-time as a single parent had a long commute too so weekend while he went to dad's for a day and night was all about house work preparing couple of meals etc.
You will get there you !

It can be changed.

But you'd rather cheat your employer instead.

You get 27 days, so nearly 6 weeks.
How much does he get? Could he take a day a week off for a few weeks to support you, and you take a day off - a Wednesday is good as it's only 2 days before you have a break and then 2 days and then the weekend. Or can you go part time?
Could you go visit a friend on a weekend and leave him with DD so you get some chill out time.

I get it , is thoroughly exhausting feeling like you are treadmill of childcare, nursery run, work, pick up, bath time etc, tidy up only to collapse in bed and then get up next day and repeat. But you need to think about longer term changes, otherwise the time off won't do you much good.