To go off sick? Would you in this situation?

[Bhuwilo]

I’m exhausted. That’s it really. Have a toddler and dh works away in the week. I despise the nursery run as I also work full time and the whole process of getting dd ready etc and in the car is exhausting. I used to love my career. I just want a few weeks off. I don’t mean annual leave (can’t do that as don’t have enough) but I mean a few weeks off trying to meet everyone’s needs but my own. A few weeks of dropping dd then focusing on myself. I’m so burnt out. Is this reasonable? Have you done it or would you?

There is no medical term to correspond to "burnt out" - that means whatever you want it to mean. But...
First two sentences of OP - "I’m exhausted. That’s it really."
Followed by -
"I just want a few weeks off"
"Having free time at the weekend doesn’t make up for it"
".... I do need a break from doing jobs the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed."

The OP has been disingenous and entitled all the way through. She has a husband, but he can't help because he works away all week, which is their choice. They can't move closer to his work for some unknown reason, which is their choice. She works full-time, which is her choice. She does 100% of the parenting, which is their choice. And she's worse off than a single parent because they get help (from who or where she doesn't mention, and they won't have two fulltime salaries coming in to the home). She has weekends with time off but that isn't good enough. She has annual leave, but she doesn't want to use that. She could apply for parental leave, but that isn't paid so she doesn't want that. She could go part-time, but she doesn't want to do that. Her husband could change his job or go part-time, but they don't want to do that. They could hire a nanny, but they don't want to do that.

The ONLY thing that is relevant here is that the OP's situation is a matter of her choice, and she and her husband could change those choices if they want to. They simply don't want to. So she can lie to her GP and to her employer and claim to be sick when she clearly isn't - and not once has she said she is actually ill in any way. But she has no intention of changing anything, she has made that clear, and so no amount of sick leave now will make the slightest bit of difference. And I will lay bets that if her sick pay was SSP only, she wouldn't even be entertaining the idea of going off sick.

Nobody said that, FFS. And by the sound of it, the OP doesn't have MH issues. just didn't get the work life balance right with an absent husband 5 days a week who is refusing to pull his weight. Can people please stop to reframe the non working domestic setup ass a MH issue?

Absolutely agree. Mental illness is a medical condition, having been through severe mental health issues it is frustrating when a person's choices which have made them tired, are labelled as mental illness.

That's not to say I have no sympathy for OP, it seems they have got themselves into a challenging situation where she is taking the majority of the childcare responsibilities, but it is within their abilities to make changes to improve this, unless there is further information we need to be drip fed, such as husband is in the armed forces and has no choice but to be away.

My friends husband make a choice to take a job which meant he had to live away during the week, he could have stayed local for slightly less money. They are now in the process of separating, as he refuses to make any changes. And it may be OP is in the sane situation, bit in that case she has a DH problem, rather than a MH problem.

There dont necessarily need to be changes though. Sometimes a reset is all that’s needed x like p,p the fact that break8ng your leg, for eg, doesn’t mean you need access arrangements at work for ever. Just until it heals.

If this is the case then it should still be the husband who steps up and provides the space for the OP to have a reset.

Well that's what AL is for, when need a bit of a break. Either OP or DH or both. She gets 27 days a year plus 8 bank holidays, so a total of 7 weeks, enough to have a week off every other month, or to reduce her working week to 4 days a week 35 weeks of the year, or any other combination.

OP is struggling with the current status quo, so if nothing changes, she'll find herself back where she is in a few months.

She says she despises the nursery run and getting dd in the car.....
That's not going to change anytime soon.

Wouldn't be surprised if OP is back in a couple of years complaining about managing two kids despite not managing with one.

People who've been through similar have given good advice, but OP wants to have it both ways.

Aupair, cut hours, DH makes changes, move, etc.

If the current situation isn't working, then things do need to change.

There was a thread a while back with someone resentful of friends they had to stay with for work.
Moved out of London but then asked back into the office.
She too didn't want to sacrifice the pay but in doing so, meant their current situation wasn't sustainable.

You make changes as you go along, especially if you can't cope with everyday stuff.

I remember the feeling well and understand why you want the 2 weeks but I think it will make going back to it after the 2 weeks even harder. What would be better is a conversation with your employer to see what you can do long term to make life easier. Can you start half an hour later and have a shorter lunch break, for example?

Why not ask for unpaid time off? Why is your husband working away your company’s problem?

How can he if what she needs is to not be at work for a bit?

You aren’t listening. Sometimes things that are completely manageable get on top of you - either due to some event, such as bereavement, or because of other, subtler things. Sometime a couple of weeks off means you can go back and manage exactly the same things with no issue. I know, because I’ve done it.

You just need to take annual leave - that’s what it’s there for. You’re not actually sick. I sympathise but there are many who also do this and have it much, much harder - think about the wives of people who work offshore, or posted to different countries for months at a time - I know so many of these. Good luck.

You aren't listening, OP wanting time off shouldn't fall on the employer.

She and her husband need to come up with a long term plan otherwise she'll find herself in the same situation.

I know because I've done it....

And I’ve done what she wants. A break and then back as before. We don’t know which is true of her yet, but she’s entitled to try the non-nuclear option first.

Thats your opinion, and mine still stands too.

Yes you are quite right. She is entitled to try the non-nuclear option first. That is called annual leave. Or if she doesn't want to take that, parental leave. It is not called sick leave.

You aren't listening either.

No one is saying OP should not take a break. She should take annual leave, parental leave, unpaid leave etc.

I don't understand why you are so adamant that this is a 'mental health' issue that entitles OP to take 'sick leave', when she is just exhausted like many of us on the treadmill.

I suppose that is because you have done it.

No, it’s not an opinion. It’s a fact that she’s entitled to sick leave for a mental health issue. It’s your opinion that she shouldn’t take it. I disagree.

It’s sick leave if it’s a mental health issue Jesus a Christ. Why are we still fighting this battle. Mental health is health. You’re entitled to sick leave for it.

She’s. Sick. Burnout is a mental health condition. She’s entitled to sick leave for sickness

I’ve just noticed the nasty little dig at the end of your post. How unpleasant. Yes. I’ve had 2 periods of time off work for mental health issues. I’ve also worked full time in a demanding profession for 35 years with very little other sick leave and before parental leave was a thing. I went back to work when my baby was 7 months old as there was no 12 month entitlement then.
What a nasty, nasty person you are presenting yourself as.

It's your opinion that's It's a mental heath issue.

I’m taking her at her word. It’s your opinion it’s not. A doctor could resolve it. Then when it’s diagnosed as burnout do you change your opinion about sock leave?

I don’t think time off from work is going to make things better in the long term. Taking annual leave and her husband stepping up whilst they work out what to do is taking steps to resolve the issue.
It’s not fair on her employer or colleagues to take time off.

That is not remotely what she said. You are reading into two words a lot that simply isn't there and contradicts the rest of the words. There is no such diagnosis as "burn out" and the OP said "I’m exhausted. That’s it really." That's it really ... her words. Nobody is disparaging people with genuine mental ill health, but even you must admit that it has become the new "bad back" with people claiming mental ill health at the drop of a hat - or because they fancy a couple of paid weeks off - and that is damaging people who genuinely have mental health struggles. Mental ill health is easy to fake - or to claim when you are just tired because of the choices you have made. GP's cannot distinguish between fakers and real mental ill health - as you surely must know - so they will simply sign the sick note, no skin off their nose. But when employers start clamping down, avoiding employing people with mental ill health even more than they do now, avoiding employing women of childbearing ages even more because they are flakey, when they start using capacity to weed out employees who take the piss and that then catches out people genuinely struggling and in need of help, just remember that it is these secenarios that are responsible for them.

You are intent on insisting this is a mental health issue. You obviously have a very personal stake in the issue. But just because you are an honest person, doesn't make everyone else as honest. The OP said she's tired. She's exhausted. She has a lot of things to do. We are also taking her at her word - she is tired and has taken on too much, none of which will change without her and her husband making changes that they have indicated they won't. So how much "sick leave" do you think she'll need to take - two weeks, six, years??? Overstreteching yourself is not a mental health problem. It is a management problem - you have taken on too much and need to stop or change things you are doing.