To go off sick? Would you in this situation?

[Bhuwilo]

I’m exhausted. That’s it really. Have a toddler and dh works away in the week. I despise the nursery run as I also work full time and the whole process of getting dd ready etc and in the car is exhausting. I used to love my career. I just want a few weeks off. I don’t mean annual leave (can’t do that as don’t have enough) but I mean a few weeks off trying to meet everyone’s needs but my own. A few weeks of dropping dd then focusing on myself. I’m so burnt out. Is this reasonable? Have you done it or would you?

Seriously?

Unless the company is asking her to perform duties beyond what any other employee is tasked with, her time management and lifestyle are a personal domestic matter.

The husband needs to step up. Presumably they controlled their own choice to have children and they need to manage the ramifications themselves. The employer certainly wasn't involved in that.

Yes parental leave is for the parents to take time off if they need to. You don't need to give a reason to your employer as long as you have children you can take it whenever you want on top of your annual leave. Op said she didn't have enough annual leave.

I use parental leave to take 2 extra weeks off a year to have a break/ do decorating/ use for cover of childcare during school holidays etc.

I'm in a similar situation with a husband who works away a lot and a 3 year old. I did burnout and ended up in hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. Nothing is worth your health, physical or mental. If you need the time off, take it.

It's hard to even contemplate how to change things when you're on the hamster wheel. Time off will let you catch your breath, assess the situation and make decisions that are right for you and your family. Don't listen to anyone who says, "Well I coped". It's not a competiton. Bully for them if they did but they don't know the ins and outs of your specific situation. You do.

I honestly don’t think it would help to have a large chunk of time off and would just make it harder when you go back. You need to make changes instead. Sit down with Dh and tell him how you are feeling and work out a plan. E.g cut down your hours until both dc at school (remember at some point they’ll be dressing themselves and it will be easier). Can Dh make adjustments to do a drop off a couple of times a week? Can you delegate any jobs to outside help/dh - cleaning, ironing etc.

I personally do not think it’s practical for both parents to work full time when children are at such a young age and very needy. I know plenty do and single parents do and I take my hat off to them but if you are struggling and it’s making you so miserable, then it’s not worth it if you have a choice and can make some changes.

No, employers have a responsibility to support all their employees with mental health issues. OP needs to take a break before burnout turns into depression.

have you heard of the gender pay gap🤗? This exists because of opinions like your own

We sign people off if they are ill. Not for a break.

Going off sick isn’t sustainable and the only way it would improve the situation long term is that you could potentially lose your job - no more need for nursery! Is that what you want?

You have every right to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, however, disappearing from your commitments for a couple of weeks isn’t the solution. You need to assess ways to improve the situation on a daily basis and make longer term changes.

For example, while your partner is away do you have other family/friends who could pop and babysit once or twice a week while you went to an evening class or the gym or something?

Is nursery on the way to work? If not would looking into another nursery/child minder be easier and less draining? One that is on the way or closer to home.

Would the expense of having a cleaner out weigh the benefits?

Do you have adult company when your partner is away, do family/friends come to visit in the evening etc?

Your advice is to lie to her employer?

I am confused. You responded to a poster saying that her husband should step up (you know, the person who is presumably 50% responsible for the children existing and so needs to take 50% of the responsibility for everything to do with them) by saying that their opinion is the reason for the gender pay gap? Isn't it the fact that men do not step up and take equal responsibility for children the reason for the gender pay gap? If employers were as chary of employing men in case they took lengthy maternity leaves, put their children first rather than their work, etc, then there wouldn't be a gender pay gap, and the world of work would look very different.

And whilst an employer has a responsibility to support someone with mental (or any other) health problems, individuals also have a responsibility. The OP has chosen to work full time, they have chosen to do so with children who have needs such as school runs etc., etc. At no point has the OP said that the employer is responsible for over-burdening them at work - it is about trying to juggle personal life and professional life, and failing to do so. That is not the employers fault unless you believe that employers should have the right to tell parents that they can't work full time because it impacts on their ability to manage that juggle. Of course nobody thinks that should be the case. That is a parents responsibility, and as many have said, the OP needs to look at what needs to change in their personal life, or they need to cut back from working full-time, or both. None of those things are the employers responsibility, and none of them are sickness - they are choices, and if the choices the OP is making are causing her to be so exhausted that she is at risk of becoming ill, then she must change those choices.

Brilliant post.

With your DH working away full-time, what about asking for flexible working or going part-time for a while? I dropped to 3 days per week when I had my first child.

This has been suggested but OP wants to have it both ways.

In the real world, people make sacrifices, either money or time. No one really wants to earn less, but if it means managing your life better, then heed the above advice and others.

The shortcuts of false sickies and being a liar aren't a long term solution.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere The shortcuts of false sickies and being a liar aren't a long term solution.

And actually those are the reasons why there is a gender pay gap and why employers are chary of employing women on a certain age. It shouldn't be so, but this is the real world and it is. They know that some parents - most often women - take the piss with sick leave etc because of home based responsibilities. None of which are the employers problem or concern. So it ends up with other women being tarred with the same brush and paying the consequences for the few. Threads like this don't help that at all. With the best will in the world, tons of other women saying "do it- I would" or "do it - I did", advocating lying and all that goes with it creates the impression that women are flakey and unreliable employees. Instead of making the working environment better for women, they are making it worse. It's no different than "the bad back" and all those other excuses, that make it harder for people who really do have a bad back. I'm far from being a fan of employers, and I expect little or no loyalty from them, but Jeezuz we don't half make it difficult for ourselves at times. The problem here is not the employer or the job. It's the OP and her husband, and the choices they have made.

It’s all well and good people being all high and mighty about it but my loyalty is to my child not to my employer. I am not able to do both effectively despite trying my absolute best which I have been doing for months. I worked hard for my job and don’t want to just throw in the towel but I do need a break from doing jobs the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed.

I think look at flexi working. I totally get how you feel as a single parent since pregnancy. I do 4 day weeks.to give me a day off.in the week. Is a 4 day week possible? Get signed off while you work it out etc your workplace will want to see benefits to you and work. Benefit to you is to improve work life balance etc and benefit to.them.is they get a better you 4.days per week (and obviously a load of work advantages that vary work type to work type etc.
Good luck

People aren't being high and mighty though. You are paid to do a job.

It's up to your partner to provide the break by taking some of the domestic burden off you, or by earning more so you can quit work.

Lying about being sick is essentially stealing from your employer. Doing the work one is paid for is not being "high and mighty."

If your loyalty is to your child, why not quit and focus on her.

Why defraud your employer and shortchange your colleagues. How is it your dh gets a free ride but it is ok to stiff your employer.

You are expecting to have your cake and eat it. Where is your integrity and what are you teaching your child?

It's this bit that I struggle with:

"but I do need a break from doing jobs the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed".

Your domestic arrangements are your choice.

They are currently not working for your family and it's up to you and your DH to resolve it, together. Not take sick leave.

I certainly wouldn't be putting anyone or any job above my child , family and mental health. If you are at burn out and totally exhausted, you need a break for your own mental health and sanity. All very well people saying I did it and thousands of others did, everyone is different and experiences things differently. It's only a few weeks , maybe it will give you time to reset and think clearly about what might need to change for the future.

Well done you!!

OP, do what you feel you need. I would book a few days annual leave first and then reevaluate and see if you can drop hours, there needs to be a long term fix but you deserve to feel better in the short term

Not sure why so many people are bashing OP as if it directly makes a difference to them.

Nobody retires and gets a special mention for never taking a day or week off sick. OP should do what she needs to but also consider the long term solution.

It’s all well and good people being all high and mighty about it but my loyalty is to my child not to my employer. I am not able to do both effectively despite trying my absolute best which I have been doing for months.

that's all you need to know. You just said you cannot combine your current working schedule with being a parent. The solution is obvious but it's not throwing a sickie.

These things are never straightforward or linear OP. Many employers out there understand and support this and allow some flexibility, despite how some of the responses on this thread are coming across. Well done for giving it your best shot. We all have different demands and stressors and all cope differently!

If you see your gp you will likely be assessed via screening tools. Answer these honestly and you will either score as depressed, anxious or stressed...or not! There's nothing fraudulent about it, unless you lie!

Hopefully your workplace has an hr dept who might be willing to make some adjustments based on the outcome of your GP's assessment. Ignore those saying you're defrauding your employer etc. It's about being honest with yourself, your gp and work and getting support for making a plan that works for you. Maybe you need time off to work out a different plan with your partner. Maybe you just need reduced hours for a bit. Ignore the random replies on here. Only you know how this is affecting you and only a GP can diagnose.

That sums it up, @StuffedFullOfFromage

Why should the employer & colleagues take the hit when they have nothing to do with choices made by OP and her partner?

Getting to work by 9am is hardly an unreasonable expectation.