It's too late, right?

[TrackDay]

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

Something else just to point out as a consideration because I don't think I've seen it, is going through menopause whilst still actively parenting. Not a deal breaker, but if I was making a list I would add it.

Yes. I am pretty healthy. Don't rock climb but hike and walk some 20 k daily.
Nevertheless, menopause has had an impact. Though of course not a dealbreaker, as you said

Thank you so much again for the thoughts and replies; a lot to think about!

Absolutely not too old. Plenty of people have healthy pregnancies and babies in their late 30’s to mid-40’s.

Age is often in the mind too. Some people are just old, frail and negative regardless of age.

My advice is to roll the dice, try for a baby and if it happens, outsource household chores (cleaning, ironing, gardening) to someone else and enjoy your little one.

Also consider going private for maternity care. I had both of mine in the private wing of a London hospital (planned csections). Outstanding experience. A 90 min journey way, but appointments fitted around my schedule, rather than someone else’s.

I was a grandparent carer at 40. I didnt, from an age perspective, find it particularly hard. When the boys went to primary school I would say I was in the same age range as 50% of the mums but quite a middle class area.

My own parents adopted in their forties so a big life change for them after 20 years of marriage.

That said, I had a late pregnancy myself and did lose the baby. Although I may get told I am being negative, I think stats show a higher risk. But there are always risks arent there.

If it is what you both want go for it. But be prepared for a huge life change,sleep deprivation but big rewards too.

I felt the same. No kids due to health issues that resolved when I was 39-40 and then I was hit by hormones.

We tried for a baby, had no luck, had fertility investigations with really poor results and decided to stop trying.

I’m now in my mid-40s and really ok that it didn’t happen for us, but also glad we gave it a try.

You're not alone in feeling this way hormones can stir up powerful emotions. It’s natural to reflect on life paths and wonder about “what ifs.” Take your time to sit with these feelings, maybe talk them through with your DH. There’s no right or wrong answer, just what feels right for you both. 💛

It has absolutely nothing to do with how he looks & OP states he is very fit. My DH collected our 5 year old Grandchild from school & one of the parents thought he was the father. It works both ways if you are fit & look after yourself. We were fairly young having our first but most of my sons uni friends parents were in their 50s & 60s.

Unless you have been through menopause it is not too late. Tonnes of women have kids in their 40s.

I had similar feelings at 40 but was not in a position to act on them so just ignored them. I would not say they “died down” per se but I worked on ignoring them.

Absolutely go for it.

I will be 38 in February and we ttc our 4th at the moment.

I have a 4 year old, an almost 3 year old and a 1 year old.

Hats off to you!!

I had Dd at 42, Dh was 53, didn't find out until I was 20 weeks, good pregnancy and Dd is now 22 and just completed her law degree, she's fine

I had DD1 at 41 and DD2 at 42. Both conceived naturally. They’re 16 & 14 now and I wouldn’t change a thing.

One point is you have to figure out your and l DR'S ages at child's age, eg, if you got pregnant straight away, DH would be 70 when they are 18, the reality is also that you have to think how long you could "be there" for your child for, (granted longer than DH, likely). That's always something that stopped me when I got older having more, was my ability to support them as adults. I know, they're adults, but they will gave children too (hopefully one day) and I really wanted to be there to support them being parents.

I had my youngest at 40 (as did several of my friends). It's wonderful. Wouldn't change it. My daughter is 6 years old now and I'm 46. My husband is 50... He's more energetic than me!

No … not unreasonable. I had DS at 41, DD at 43. DH is 10 years older than me. Both pregnancies and births were fine - I agree that as an “older” mum I may not have had quite as much energy (debatable) but both DC grew up to be very outdoorsy and sporty. Life is not always a straight line and mine was very squiggly which is why they were late but much wanted. The only downside is being called geriatric 😬.

Nope, not too late if you are both keen.

I had my second at 40.

Good luck xxx

I dont think so lots of parents at my kids schools are 50+ I've just had my 3rd at 36 x

Do it 🥳

It might be. It might not be. It would be a huge life change, and you both have to really want it. Both of you, your DH needs to be as much into it as you because it is a two person job, he will need to be willing and able to pitch in and do more domestic stuff like cooking, laundry etc. I had my youngest when I was 38, I have absolutely no regrets, but I warn you it's exhausting. Like, more exhausted than you've ever been. Ever. If you have good family/friend support who will pitch in if you need help, you will be ok, but the first 3-5 years there's no guarantee of an unbroken nights sleep.

But no, it may not be too late, so think about it.

Not too young but I'd say it's now or never as it could take a while. I had my first at 31 and my 2nd just before turning 35. It's hard and I believe I'd have had more energy if I had them slightly younger but I find I've got a lot more patience than I did 10 years ago. I wanted to travel and enjoy my life before settling down.

Having my children older I've decided to look after myself more and exercise so I've got the energy to keep up with them.

I was 40 with my “surprise” third. Husband is 7 years older. Child just about to be 18. No issues.

I hope this is ok to say, but I wonder if you’ve considered adoption or (long term) fostering. Not because you can’t have biological children, adoption shouldn’t be a second best, but my initial impression is that you and your husband sound like lovely people and it might be you’re in a good position to welcome a child that needs a family. I looked into adoption after having one birth child partly because I was single and wasn’t sure it was fair to “create” a child who wouldn’t know their Dad, but hoped that one parent would be better than none for a child in the care system. If you’re doubting bringing a child into the world but have love to give, it might be something to consider.

My wonderful adopted son is 6, and while he has turned our lives upside down, he is such a joy to me. I think going into it without the horrendous experience of infertility has helped me to parent another woman’s child without needing him to be all mine, so he is in that I love him with my whole heart, but I’m not threatened by any relationship he is able to have with his birth family.

Some close friends of mine adopted their last child in their late 40s. She said physically not having to care for a child while her body was recovering from birth was easier initially (they have 4 birth children and 2 adopted with additional needs). It’s almost certainly harder in every other way though! It may not be for you of course, but I do think adoption should be seen as an equally good way of having a child, not as a last resort, and a lot of people that could consider it probably don’t.

Although he does think we’re old!

I had my third when I was 43. All very straightforward. But my DH is 11 years older and now 84 and suffering from dementia. I know anything can happen in life but I feel guilty that my DS is having to deal with such aged parents while still relatively young.