It's too late, right?

[TrackDay]

I'm 40. DH is 52. Happily married for 15 years, childfree.

Hormones have hit me like a freight train - I want a baby.

It's way, way too late, right? It's just hormones. It'll pass?

my mum was 23 when she had me. back in the 80s, girls were almost never diagnosed. but I was saying complex dinosaur names before I was a year old (spot my first special interest, eh?) and everyone thought I was weird. now people understand the different ways autism prevents, it's OBVIOUS that I am. and my mum has been realising she probably is too. things like strong food aversions, only being able to use matching knives and forks, and there being only one very specific spoon she is comfortable using to eat yoghurt (there are others that are exactly the same shape and feel, but it's this one with a little engraved donkey she's had since she left home, and the ones that are the same shape and feel are't okay for yoghurt)

Not RTFT, and I absolutely get the 'freight train' feeling. I was 39 when I had DC2, DP 49.

Now I feel very conscious of the unpredictability of life-expectancy, and tend to think not so much in terms of whether it's too late for a woman to conceive and birth a baby, but at what age a child might have to go through losing first one parent, then the other. My choice to have my DC in my late 30s means that they'll be lucky if they make it to 40 before I die, maybe 30 before DP dies, and in a worst case scenario, might have years of worrying about our health and caring for one or both of us (I'm making provision for my old age, obviously, but I can tell by the kind of people they are growing up to be that they'll be wanting to offer support). We could die sooner, of course, and having lost parents relatively young, it's something I regret having saddled my DC with.

DP was, at the time of conception, incredibly fit -very health conscious and enjoying a vigorous exercise regimen most days of the week. He still is, but is also experiencing age-related wear and tear, a general tapering off in energy and vigour, and health issues which we'd hoped his lifestyle might have shielded him from. You just can't tell what's around the corner.

Not impossible. But it is going to be a high-risk pregnancy whether you like it or not (as you're older than 35).
The fact he is so old does not help either. Do you realise that by the time your child goes to uni your partner will be approaching 70 ?
I'd give it a miss.

If you’re very fit and healthy, the age-related issues are less of a concern, including genetic/hereditary conditions. They also have excellent screening nowadays.

why not give it a go, as long as you’re both on the same page about what you would do if you received a difficult pre-natal diagnosis, and what time limit you’d stop, or how far you would go with any fertility intervention.

It’s not too late to try at all. But to play devils advocate against this avalanche of go for it messages you’re getting - it probably is just hormones if you haven’t wanted a child until now. It’s a bit sacrilegious to point it out on a parenting site, but research shows that people who choose not to have children tend to be happier and report greater life satisfaction than people who have children. It’s next to impossible to regret having children once they’re here - you will love them - but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a better life without them.

You have wanted a baby for a very short time whilst being OK not to have one for 15 years. I know time is not on your side, but maybe sit with the decision for a few months.

I say this because although everyone's experience is different, we can all agree having a baby is a huge life changing event. Your life is not your own essentially for the next 18 years as another person will always come first. You may not be able to live the same lifestyle or have the same hobbies. Your relationship with DP might change, especially as you may have to take on the bigger burden of childcare if his health fails sooner than expected. Is he also prepared to stay at home and change lots of nappies and spend hours trying to get the baby back to sleep, rather than be out and about rock climbing? Will you both be willing to ferry your child to different activities as well as doing the school run in your 50s and 60s?

Having a baby is wonderful, but be prepared to fully commit to this monumental task of rearing a child before you try for a kid.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Average life expectancy for men in the UK is 78.2 years :). If your DH is in good health and fit, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on his age, specially if he'll be a great hands on father.

You are still young to become pregnant. However, it's more difficult to get pregnant after 37 with a first child, than if it was your 2nd or 3d.

You have no issues with money and likely to live another 40 years. I'll go ahead trying as often as we could, if DH was behind me all the way. You'll have fun trying.😁

It’s not too late, I just had a surprise’ child at 42. All went very smoothly. Just be mindful that it can be challenging to fall pregnant, and miscarriages are more common the older you are but it’s worth a try if you’re both on board.

Haven't read the whole thread so don't know if anyone has already told you this, but men start producing lower quality sperm once they hit 29, and the rise in miscarriage, autism, stillbirths and disabilities in babies is due to older fathers, not older mothers. All this information has been available for years, but for some reason men are never told any of it, instead women are blamed for everything baby related. So if you do decide to go for kids, make sure he has his sperm tested beforehand as it could help you on your journey to parenthood.

I felt the same mid 30s. Sadly we had a miscarriage first and then had DC when I was 40. Similar to you OP, no family (or friends) help. It is very beautiful to be a family unit, however there is a daily grind to having a kid that isn’t so fun all the time especially with no help (we have daycare but no family or friends dropping by outside of this). The saying, everything changes, is true!

All the best in whatever decision you make ❤️

Ignore all the ageist comments, you should go for it. You're clearly fitter and healthier than most people in their twenties and thirties.

As far as risk goes, while the relative risk of complications is higher than if you are in your twenties, the absolute risk is still very low and your excellent health moves the needle significantly in your favour.

I do agree that your DH’s age would be (in my opinion) more of an issue than your age due to the higher risk of autism/SEN and other issues.
we are also older parents and I found myself struggling with deciding who’d be a good guardian shall something happen to both of us as the people I trust are same/ older age so statistically speaking, they may also not be around for long enough (I.e. until my kid is of age)

If dad's happy to be doing school runs and taking kids to football on a Saturday morning instead of retiring or holidaying because he's in his 60s then go for it. Not what most people want at that age but that's your life to make what you want of it x

NO IT'S NOT TOO LATE !!!!

MY GREAT GRAN HAD 5 KIDS AFTER 40! 😭

OP even thought there's a higher risk of SEN than if you and DP were 20 years younger, overall risk of SEN is still low !

People self-diagnosing with autism is a curse.

It’s a disability, not an assortment of eccentric personality traits.

I say this as someone formally diagnosed in 2007.

Exactly this.
It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of having a 'baby', the trouble is they are only babies for a very short period of time.
I am 41, my eldest is 18 and my youngest is 14, both are great kids however the eldest is at that age where he miraculously knows absolutely everything about everything and the youngest deserves an Oscar for her dramatic performances, you would think she was living in the plot of one of the soaps to hear her talk rather than the perfectly mundane life she actually leads!
My point is whilst they don't need the physical parenting that they needed when they were little mentally they can be exhausting, mine are NT and no trouble at all, even with age on my side I am shattered.
Your husband would be 70 (assuming you conceive immediately) when the child reaches the 'I know everything' phase.......I know I wouldn't want to be dealing with that at that stage of my life.

I think people are talking about pregnancy because OP said her hormones are going wild, which spells broodiness/pregnancy to most people.

Adoption is an amazing way to become a parent too, tho. And some people find a lot of fulfilment in fostering.

OP's kids might not be like that, though. Not all teens are.

40 isn’t too late imo - lots of women have children in their 40s. Your fertility may or may not be as good as in your 20s or 30s but it’s certainly far from a physical impossibility. Your risk of certain conditions like Downs Syndrome are higher, but the risk is still low overall.

Your husband’s age is a little more of a concern - what is his health like, how are his energy levels? Is he the type who will make a decent job of parenting a teenager when he’s in his sixties?

If your husband is also keen, you aren’t concerned about his health, and you have the financial resources, I don’t think you should automatically rule yourselves out on the basis of age.

They are hardly going to be quiet, self contained and completely independent though are they?
Even just driving them to hobbies etc was and still is a big commitment.

Coming back to this thread, I always find it quite odd that on a parenting forum with an entire sub forum on how tough teens are, people rush to say " Go ahead! Men in their 70s can parent teens just fine!".
Can they? DH is 55 and cannot wait till retirement in a few years. Realistically OP will only have a baby when her DH is 54, even assuming she starts now. So her DP will be 72 by the time the child goes to uni. And I might also caution, kids stay at home longer. My two adult DC live at home as rents too high.

Do it - it could be now or never! My pal had a baby at 43 and is very happy.

Just be prepared to be called a geriatric, pregnancy over the age of 35 is classed as a geriatric pregnancy

I am a child of older parents so for me it hasn’t been a big deal or indeed I don’t know any different. When I was 15 my mum was 56 and my dad was in his 60s. They were fit healthy and fun to be around.

Yes but anecdotes arent that useful. ( Am also guilty of using one!) The hard data cited by a pp upthread about the risk of death and disease post 70 has got lost in the flood of anecdotes about fun older dads.
This " oh you could be hit by a bus at 30' is just silly given the data shows very few people hit by a bus.