DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

You can drive as a learner with him as the competent driver, get lots of practice before your next test, you've had lots of lessons so know the basics. If he picks you up from work you drive home driving is 90% practice.

This is me. ADHD and autism.

I just lack the executive functioning skills to drive safely, because I have a disability that affects my attention, sequencing, processing speed, and gives me very black and white thinking for a task where there are a lot of rules that nobody else on the road seems to follow.

Im always told just keep trying but they don't consider that there's a higher chance of me not noticing their kid, dressed in black, swerving around on a bike with no helmet on in winter until I'm right on top of them, and I know that could happen because my brain is trying to process more visual information than they are and I can't filter out the bits of visual information that I need to ensure I don't hit their child or their nan or their dog or miss a car driven by an erratic driver and not be able to react fast enough.

Every one I talk to about this just thinks I'm making excuses up and I will learn if I just keep trying but I legitimately just can't.

Your H (he's not a DH is he?!) sounds like a complete twat.

Nobody needs to share a 35 minute drive ffs.

I'd be annoyed if my partner didn't drive and we lived rurally but it was his idea!!

Wants it all his way doesn't he...

Have you tried learning in an automatic car?
I have ADHD too and I couldn’t cope with a manual car. Failed twice. Automatic I passed first time x

Why are you taking children on driving lessons?! Leave them at home with him so you can focus and learn. Tbh driving is the least of your problems.

Nailed it.

You can, but if the driver in the passenger seat isn't patient or supportive, you're not learning. You'll just end up more anxious about it.

Even as an adult who has been driving 20 ish years, I dislike my mother in the passenger seat. She tried hard when we were learning, but she gasps and uses an imaginary brake pedal and points out cars coming towards you on the other side of the motorway. And she's actually nice to me, so someone who speaks to their partner like OPs DP is probably not great in that respect.

It sounds like your husband is being a dick

It was his idea to live rurally
You have adhd which makes it harder which it sounds like he is completely ignoring
You have been trying, which is not lazy
You're happy with public transport anyway
He is moaning at you instead of encouraging you

I'm not sure what the answer is other than pointing out all of the above and asking for a bit more support

Your h sounds like a right wanker. I bet if you passed your test, he'd just criticise something else...

I don't drive,but I have adhd and after my brief time on meds, I'd wager they would.

My coordination is so terrible, but on the meds I could cross the road without getting flustered, didn't walk like a crab etc.

Op I feel your pain and also have extra
needs which make driving feel completely unnatural and terrifying
Your DH needs to accept this or you need to move somewhere with better links
like you, I have never had a problem with not driving and can get myself around fine.
Driving isn’t for everyone

Sorry but he's a fucking dick. Awful awful man, the way he talks to you.
Driving or not driving isn't the issue here

Yeah, you being a non driver is not the issue here.

I would find it frustrating having a partner who doesn't drive. I passed on my fifth test many moons ago

Hmm, my partner doesn’t drive and I hate having to do all the driving so I sympathise with your partner tbh. It’s shit not being able to share the driving on longer trips - it’s not just about you getting yourself about. Keep at it, plenty people sit the test quite a few times! Defo try an automatic rather than a manual and see how you get on, that’s what my partner is doing and he says it’s way easier so therefore he’s less stressed.

I have ADHD and drive, currently trying to persuade dd1 to take lessons, she has Autism and dyspraxia. Cars are much easier to drive now, we recently got a mobility car for DD2 and it’s an automatic, total game changer and so much easier to drive, Dd1 will be learning in an automatic. We live rurally so without being able to drive you would be pretty stuck with buses only running a couple times a day through the village. I took 3 attempts at my test many years ago, I didn’t find driving easy at all 😬 but I’m glad I passed as I now love driving.

One of my friends passed on her 9th attempt and is a good driver - she'd just become incredibly anxious and so she'd developed a mental block.
Once she changed driving instructor, she started afresh and didn't tell anyone until she passed.

I will add that in my experience, some men bully women over driving - my ex did that to me even though he was constantly getting points and was eventually banned twice. Two of my aunts stopped driving because of their husbands's constant moaning.

My advice - stand firm and as others have said, an automatic may be better for you.

Hey @FlyingHighintheSkyy , I haven't read anything past your OP but just wanted to say that 4 tests is not a huge amount, and if you've had 4 tests, you are more than likely closer to passing your test eventually if you want to continue, but only if you want to continue.

Your DH sounds a bit rude tbh, and FWIW, even though we both can drive, DH generally does when we go somewhere together because he thinks he's a better driver. He probably is because he has experience with driving long distance, and driving many types of vehicles. I'm a shit passenger though and we are always having 'words' in the car. He isn't a patient driver, hardly ever gives thanks to people when they give way and I think he drives too close to people - so just because both people have a licence, doesn't always negate a tiff 🤣.

Oh, it's not because my DH is sexist either, because I'm his DH, but he probably thinks he's a better driver than Lewis Hamilton.

Your husband is a deeply unpleasant man, it can’t be nice being married to him.

I get that it’s frustrating being the only driver - my DH didn’t take his car test until we had kids. He had a motorcycle license and could get himself about but anywhere we went together I had to drive. Fortunately he agreed that he needed to learn and he did.

BUT you are trying to learn and you’re finding it hard, as many people do. It’s not as if you’re choosing not to do it!

The way he is criticising you in really not ok at all.

can you practice while out together, sharing the driving (obviously not on motorways) or would he be too critical and make you more nervous?

He sounds mean! Neither me or my husband can drive (also both ADHD), but I can't imagine my DH ever treating me like this. He's picking you up because he wants you home earlier yet is berating you for it, that sounds awful. I'd tell him you'll no longer be accepting his lifts due to his attitude and just wait for the bus instead (even if he shows up).

Oh FFS, not as frustrating as one who insults you and is too lazy to look after his own kids.

Ppl need to read the OP properly

No, we don't have to do that. It's not a condition that the DVLA have to be notified of either unless it (or medication) affects whether a person can drive safely. So really it depends on the individual. My ADHD has no impact on my ability to drive safely.

I passed first time when I was in my late 20s...but it took me an entire year of lessons, two a week. I recall my instructor telling me that it was the first time she'd had a pupil with "absolutely no road sense"...

My parents didn't drive, so my only experience of being in a moving vehicle was sitting in public transport. On top of that, at the grand old age of 60 plus it was finally suggested that I might have ADHD. I sympathise OP.

I took my test 5 times, honestly life is so much easier when you can just hop in the car. Keep going, get a better intructor, do driving simulators maybe? My DH is the opposite and wont let me drive if we are going somewhere together as he is the worse backseat driver and becomes a massive arse about my driving.. seems we cant win. I would maybe take lessons in secret so you dont have the pressure of him moaning at you about it, then pass and drive off into the sunset....