DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

I failed 3 times in a manual. Passed first time with an automatic age 36!

It's a game changer, I can't believe I spent so much money trying to drive a manual. I absolutely hated driving a manual. Now been driving an auto for 5 years, it's great!

I agree just keep going and book tests until you pass one. Use an automatic car- I did after my second failed test and it was SO much easier! I don’t get why anyone drives manual cars. Don’t give up. Ignore his comments. Keep going. You will pass xxxx

Four tests is not bad, keep at it.

Your husband is a dick, but it really is frustrating to be the only driver, clearly it’s not your fault (hence him being a dick) but DH doesn’t drive and it’s so fucking draining to have that mental load all the time.

Yes, this! Think of driving as another step toward independence just for you.
Absolutely drive an automatic, and insist DH look after the kids when you take your lessons.

I did not learn yet to drive because lived in a big city. Still live near London, shops walking distance and also buses and trains helpful enough.

My husband drives us and does not complain. If there is another car, I would not have the means to service it or run it every day because my jobs are very sporadic

You do know that if you pass a test driving an automatic you aren't qualified to drive anything manual- with gears.

It's not a good idea.

But you can't ever drive a manual car on that test.
This is a handicap as you should be able to drive any car, given an emergency.

The majority of new cars sold now are automatic. Manual cars are on the way out, so it's not going to be much of a disadvantage.

I won't be driving any car, not even in emergency

Firstly, your DH and his parents are being massive twats about this. Putting you under such massive pressure isn't going to be helping and they shouldn't be acting like that towards you anyway, massively out of line.

For what it's worth - I learned to drive young and passed my test (by some miracle and to the shock of my instructor who thought I was crap at it), but driving never came naturally to me. I was nervous all the time and avoided driving for years despite having a license. What helped was practice, practice, practice - ended up having to commute by car for work so just had to bite the bullet and do it, and the more I did the more it helped build confidence. It's not easy for everyone but with time (and patience) you can manage this, you just need practice (and for your DH/PILs to get off your back!)

Oh I feel your pain OP. I have ADHD and Autism, and it took me 6 times to pass my test. That was 30 years ago, and I still hate driving. I have more recently been diagnosed with dyspraxia which makes sense as I have always struggled so much with spacial awareness - parking, space between other cars, and multi-tasking. Its all a bit much. I went auto years ago although somehow I managed to pass in a manual.

Your DH is being horrid. But I do think you will love the freedom of being able to drive - especially rurally. I find city and motorway driving so so stressful. I still do it because I like the freedom of getting places by myself though.

If i was you, I would do one of those week long intensive courses (is that still a thing??) in an automatic. Your hyperfocus should kick in and I bet you will smash it. But dont expect that you will then suddenly love driving, because it will probably always be a struggle if you are ND. But going auto will make it soooooo much easier.

Best of luck to you...and dont worry if you fail another 10 times. You arent stupid, it just doesnt come easy to you - like so many of us.

I think you should keep trying until you've passed. Then drive your 'lazy arse' as far away from your dickhead husband as you can.

I do think that it's a pain being the only driver in a relationship but that's no reason to speak to you like shite.

I think I’d be pretty resentful if I was the only driver in the house. Dh was the only driver in the first 7 years of our lives together, I passed my test when I was 26 pregnant with my youngest. It certainly wasn’t my first test but I decided I had to keep going or the money I had previously spent on lessons and a test would be wasted.

keep at it, my friend passed at 46 and my cousin has just passed at 43.

life is so much easier when you can drive.

I dont think you should be focusing so much on your ADHD.

What leaps out at me at your posts is how your husband is eroding your confidence. Anyone lacking confidence is bound to find driving difficult.

Decent men don't call their partners 'pathetic' and 'lazy' because they are struggling with something. 'Pathetic' is a term of abuse. And why can't he look after his own children alone? He sounds a domineering bully, and even if you did get your test, he would likely make your life a misery as a front seat driver.

Hi OP, I’m ND, really struggled with a manual, convinced my DH to just let me try an Auto, passed first time! It made a huge difference being in an auto as less information to process inside the car meant I could focus more on the road/my surroundings.

Don’t give up yet, if you can, you should definitely give automatic a go and see how it suits you!

Definitely try an automatic. I have only ever driven automatics (20+ years) and it has never caused any issues for me.

But passing your test won't solve the problems with your husband. He sounds absolutely dreadful. Why can't he look after his own children?

I really struggled with driving anxiety until I decided to do automatic only. Got my license at 35 and now love driving!

Hi. I'm not a natural driver, and tried to learn twice in my life, first at eighteen, then at twenty-six. Both times I was glad of an excuse to give up. Then when I was approaching fifty, I had to support my parents and I decided it was time to learn no matter what. I passed my theory on first attempt, practical on third. Things that help:

• Buy a decent car and practise regularly in it.
• Try to anticipate the driving test routes and practise them.
• Study key roundabouts on Google Maps. Repeatedly. For hours.
• Sign up for some theory test app and practise the questions. Over and over.
• Keep taking lessons. Don't give up. Change instructors if you need to.
• I learned in a manual, but maybe an automatic would help?
• If and when you fail a test, use an app like Driving Cancellations Now to book a new one. Be flexible with availability.
• Go somewhere like a business park at weekends to practise reversing manoeuvres.
• Keep a diary of progress.
• Join a learner driver group for support (for example, on Reddit or Facebook).
• Watch videos on YouTube. There are loads targetted at learners. Conquer Driving was particularly good.
• Read books on the highway code and road signs, take notes.
• Enjoy it! Turn it into a hobby.

At the same time, it's important that your DH is fully supportive. If he isn't, do you have a friend who can accompany you?

Can you do automatic only? I struggled with manual as its a massive faff. My DH was also a bit of a drama queen prick about me not driving - now I'm driving it's great I get to speed away from him when he is being a bellend! I would say if you semi rural, keep going. Once you get it everything changes xx

The driving is a red herring here. The pp who said it'd turn into something else if you got a licence may well be right.

Also I'm not sure everyone telling you 4 isn't many times to fail has clocked what the test backlogs are at the moment.

I am the complete opposite but DH doesn't drive. I never used to see it as too much of an issue as we lived in a city but for the last 20 years we have lived in the country and it IS an issue.

I work full time, when I finish work I need to do the shopping no shops within walking distance of our house, if the kids are working I need to drop off and pick up, he wants to go out for the night I drop him off, want a takeaway I need to pick it up. If we go on holiday I drive everywhere it is something that is making me massively resent DH as there is a huge amount put on me that he can't do even though he is working from home all day.

On holidays I drive 8-10 hours with no one to swap with.

Last month I had a night out and couldn't get a taxi, I managed to get a friend to pick me up as he obbiously can't drop me off.

You at least seem to be showing an interest in driving he has never had a single lesson and has no intention of ever learning, I think if we ever split up that would be the straw that broke the camels back!

Automatic will help a lot with the multi tasking element of driving that you mentioned.
Your husband also needs to realise that a pass isn't magically instant confidence to drive everywhere especially with your children. I passed a year ago in my 40s and I am not confident and have days where I cannot drive as nerves prevent me. My husband, who sounds kinder than yours tbh, still doesn't understand as he passed as a carefree teenager. It is different and won't immediately change even when you do pass.

Both have a point. It does suck to be the only driver but it is a proven thing that driving and navigating is much harder for ADHD people. Try switching to an automatic, get a Satnav and take more lessons to build up your confidence and local knowledge. My friend got beta blockers which helped with anxiety during driving tests.

Keep going. It would irk me if I was the only driver.

He sounds like he's not handling the situation well but I'd advise you to persevere with driving. When we moved here there were plenty of buses but within a few years most of them were axed. It's now a 20 minute walk to the nearest bus stop, not great in the cold, rain, with shopping etc and there are 2 buses an hour which stop at 8pm. We aren't even rural! If I couldn't drive my children wouldn't have had swimming lessons, gone to parties, been able to go into town for the cinema or bowling etc. (They're now both adults who drive.) How will you cope day to day if your bus service is cut? Those people who don't drive are lucky that they have good public transport or others who are willing to drive them around - here it is almost impossible without a car...