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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH resents how I don’t drive

375 replies

FlyingHighintheSkyy · 30/12/2024 20:35

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

OP posts:
DirtyFencePanel · 31/12/2024 23:01

YABU, you’re being a burden. Learning to drive is a life skill, keep persevering rather than cementing yourself as a permanent teenager in life

Violinist64 · 31/12/2024 23:24

DirtyFencePanel · 31/12/2024 23:01

YABU, you’re being a burden. Learning to drive is a life skill, keep persevering rather than cementing yourself as a permanent teenager in life

How rude and unnecessary.

Mojomarvel · 31/12/2024 23:34

OP your husband sounds a prize wazzock. Also, ref automatics, most cars on the road will be automatic with the move to EVs anyway so it’s a crap statement to make. I hope you give it a try, find it more enjoyable and it gives you the freedom to ditch him next to a motorway 😁

Buffs · 31/12/2024 23:40

I feel your pain, I’m a nervous driver, hate driving and I’m not good at it.
I am however in a situation where I have absolutely no choice but to drive. I have had to force myself to do it and I am gradually getting better and more used to it. I say this kindly because I know how very hard it is but get back in that car and persist. Do you have an automatic? Can you apply for an automatic license?

Greenshed · 31/12/2024 23:57

Now I’ve not read the whole thread before anyone jumps on me as it’s 14 pages, but OP, if it’s not already been suggested, have you considered learning to drive in an automatic? Perhaps you have/are, but if not, it meant the difference between me driving and not driving, as I just couldn’t get to grips with gears.
Also, so many cars now are either electric or hybrid which are, on the whole, automatic, so the ‘stigma’ that used to surround driving automatics (by some ignoramuses), is now a thing of the past (ie the nonsense that it wasn’t “proper driving”).
Anyway, I wish you good luck, and suggest you keep at it if you really want the independence being able to drive gives.

2O25 · 31/12/2024 23:58

Learning to drive a manual transmission car is more akin to learning to ride a bicycle. Definitely takes some practice and is nerve-wracking. Automatic transmission cars are much easier to drive. You can focus on driving instead of obsessing about how to work the clutch and worrying about stalling the car. In North America, almost no one drives a manual transmission.

chaosmaker · 01/01/2025 00:02

Pleasantree · 31/12/2024 20:00

Your post gives pathetic vibes.

I’m not sure why you think driving a car is not an achievable goal. Adhd-no excuse.

You need to learn, or accept that you are always asking someone to ferry you around when they might want to be doing their own thing,

My rural neighbor is same. She doesn’t drive which means she has a schedule. On Fridays, her husband takes her to the shops for 1-2 hours.

She has grandchildren who must be delivered to her. Annoys her daughter.
Other days she is home, sometimes gets a ride w me, but is at my mercy for timing. This annoys her. Which annoys me.

you didn't manage to read where OP said that she is happy to catch public transport. Why did you miss that?

There are plenty of people who shouldn't drive and nobody should drive until they want to. Not be forced into it due to shitty husbands not being able to parent their own kids. If she did drive he'd find something else to pick at. The in-laws also sound like terrible people.

Just because you can do something, it doesn't mean everyone else can.

BlueScrunchies · 01/01/2025 00:23

My OH doesn’t drive and has been saying he will learn since I met him almost a decade ago. He dips in and out and never commits fully. I find it very frustrating that I have to do ALL the driving and am in sole charge of the car and everything relating to it.

Your DH is going about it all wrong in the way he and his family are treating you, it’s really not on and needs to stop. However, I do understand his frustration. You mention you don’t mind transporting yourself, which is great, but I suspect a lot of the driving revolves around the kids/errands so it doesn’t really lighten the load from the drivers perspective. Being the only driver means any unforeseen need for driving falls on you, long drives are on you, drives to A&E are on you, you also can’t rely on your partner to drive you in an emergency. I had to sort out logistics for getting to hospital for an operation and to have my DD when I really shouldn’t have needed to. It’s such a pain in the arse and so easily solved.

it sounds like you want to drive and you are almost there. I think the advice to learn in an automatic is good and will be helpful. It sounds like you haven’t ever reached the point where it all clicks and becomes muscle memory so you don’t have to expend all your mental energy when driving, which is exhausting! Good luck OP 😊

thecherryfox · 01/01/2025 00:24

It’s not your fault as you’re trying and his mean comments are not warranted - but I do feel his pain. My ex and I was in a long term relationship, he didn’t drive so I had to drive him everywhere and I remember how exhausting it was. There was never a break, I also hate driving and I remember not wanting to go places because it was always me that had to drive and it felt like a chore.

Even when it came to things regarding myself, going to hospital for surgeries and not being able to have my partner escort me out because it had to be someone who drove - that was a massive faff trying to arrange someone to ‘taxi’ me home (it wasn’t allowed to be a taxi or public transport).

It’s exhausting as it doesn’t stop, you don’t get a break.

theotherplace · 01/01/2025 00:32

OP, I previously didn't drive (only learned at 25!). Took 5 tests. Just didn't really click for me and had a terrible instructor (and then an amazing one).

The freedom driving gives you is unparalleled. I'm not the best driver but I try to be as safe as possible and that's what matters. I couldn't have my kids without it, they don't go to school within walking distance.

I would keep trying to pass

Redredrosa · 01/01/2025 00:49

I really struggled with driving, it took me years before I attempted the test and I
spent a fortune on lessons! You should persevere. It will give you great freedom. Good luck.

GreenFritillary · 01/01/2025 00:51

Try having some lessons on a simulator. I found it helpful. It took the anxiety out of driving, because I could have a crash and it was only a computer game. I relaxed and it suddenly all came together.

Diomi · 01/01/2025 01:12

FlyingHighintheSkyy · 30/12/2024 20:45

He wants me home quicker so he’s not on his own with the children

Show quote history

He sounds like the ‘lazy arse’.

Mama2many73 · 01/01/2025 01:36

I took absolutely yrs to pass my driving test down to poor anxiety etc over it.
I've woken up on day of lessons sobbing, literally be a wreck over them. I only did 2 of my 5 lesson block with the first one as he was an a hole. Another got angry at me cos I was hesitant at a junction,made me swap seats and 'showed' me how to bloody do it.
I think I've had 6 different instructors over the time.
My DSis found a good instructor, I went with him and everything changed, all my anxiety slowly disappeared and I realised I'd just not found the right instructor for me.
Life is much easier, getting back from work used to take hours (due to buses) now 20 mins in car. Having kids to classes etc. I'm so glad I did it
BUT. never, not once did my husband EVER have a go at me about not being able to drive, NEVER did he call me names. He supported me when I knew I had to stop and encouraged me when I felt I could re start.
Your husbands attitude is simply adding to your distress!!

Bowies · 01/01/2025 02:51

He’s emotionally abusive.

You have also invested a lot into driving and are unable to drive. You’ve said this is likely connected to your ADHD.

Some people are unable to drive because of health issues.

I couldn’t tolerate his poor behaviour and there is absolutely no reason nor excuse for him to speak to you this way.

LarryUnderwood · 01/01/2025 02:55

So he says you're lazy for not driving...but he wants ypu home earlier so he doesn't have to deal with his own kids. I know who I think is lazy and it's not you...

DaringlyPurple · 01/01/2025 04:06

I would never have gone out with somebody who couldn't drive, valid medical reasons aside. Mind you, in my country it would be quite difficult to find somebody who didn't as 97% of adults have a driver's licence and often as teenagers. Our public transport is not very good and some places would be totally inaccessible without being able to drive. Our local high school has a place for students to park their cars. I suspect with enough incentive almost everybody can learn.

ResultsMayVary · 01/01/2025 05:46

I would stop talking to your husband about learning to drive and shut down any conversations he starts with something like 'I'm thinking I'd like to move back to the city'

I would for your own sake (not his) learn auto. But if possible just do it privately and without discussing it with him. It sounds like he really undermines your self confidence and that's the last thing you need when learning to drive.

kkloo · 01/01/2025 06:16

FlyingHighintheSkyy · 31/12/2024 08:53

That’s really inspiring -I’ll definitely have a couple of automatic lessons and see what I think. That’s interesting what you said about the women’s husbands, DH has said exactly that about me having automatic lessons- that an automatic license is not a proper license and that he would think less of me if I passed in an automatic. Yes I do think that’s part of it too that he likes to think that I have to rely on him. In arguments he says stuff like I rely on him for everything which is utter rubbish as there’s only one thing he can do (professional roles aside) that I can’t and that’s driving.

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I think it's very clear that even if you passed your test in a manual that your husband would still take digs at your driving constantly and make you feel shit.

joles12 · 01/01/2025 07:27

some great ideas here to shift your mindset to want to drive, try the automatic test and try again. To help maybe think what would it be like if your husband was ill and couldn’t drive anymore. Would famil6nlife be viable every day with no driver. Good luck !

ASimpleLampoon · 01/01/2025 07:29

I also am Neuro divergent and while it doesn't always mean you can't drive, for those if us who cannot drive safely because of it we need to br supported in not driving!

Pushing people to drive wen they cannot do it safely is insanity, and it would be us who have to live with the consequences if we had a serious accident.

1234567990qwerty · 01/01/2025 07:50

He needs to get you on the insurance and let you drive most of the time to improve your confidence, he doesn't HAVE to always drive unless you're always on motorways!

Quick edit... Or is he admitting you shouldn't be driving?

rozziee · 01/01/2025 08:37

I don’t like the way he speaks to you at all but the sentiment about being able to drive I do agree with. It must be really annoying having to drive someone else around constantly and being the only driver. I certainly couldn’t put up with that.

chaosmaker · 01/01/2025 11:11

Also, people on this thread, not everyone WANTS to drive.

Themaghag · 01/01/2025 12:00

FlyingHighintheSkyy · 30/12/2024 20:42

Reacting quick enough, roundabouts, multitasking-basically everything!

Show quote history

Hi OP, I was just like you - millions of lessons and seven tests in total! Have you considered learning to drive an automatic only? This is what I did and it enabled me to pass my seventh test. Once I was able to concentrate on steering and manoeuvering without having the added complication of the clutch, everything just fell into place. Of course, it means that you are only able to drive an automatic car, but once you are driving and have gained confidence there is nothing to stop you taking a few more lessons and a manual test if you want to. I've recommended this route to many other people who have found driving difficult and it's worked for all of them. Tell your husband that he needs to choose between swapping his car for an automatic or moving house - I bet I know which one he'll plump for!