DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Why did you all have so many lessons. I tipped my teenagers out every time I needed to go shopping etc making them drive. On top of lessons. I'm a pretty laid back instructor compared to my husband who just couldn't cope with them as learners, shouting a lot.

Maybe find a friend, family member to help out.

I did find co revising for the theory with them a chore though 😁

I think you may never drive. With ADHD your DH absolutely must come to terms with this and either get over it or get out. Sorry but he sounds a tit.

To be fair my son with ADD is a very good driver despite the stop start of all the lockdowns, his theory test lapsing after two years. So he had to redo that. Locally the waiting time for a retest was eight months after the lockdowns. Twas a nightmare. He bravely sat the practical around his university area shorter waiting times. He now drives an automatic and loves it.

I'm very proud of him for overcoming so many obstacles. And yes he's a very good driver, careful but has driven long distances.

Can you look for an instructor who specialises with teaching ND students? They do exist. Don't put a time limit on yourself, take the pressure off. You need someone patient. Go for an automatic.

This would be reason enough for me to insist on taking the bus 😂

I agree with other posters. Learn to drive and his criticism won't stop. He will find other faults.

Tell him to sod off! He sounds horrible sorry

It took me AGES to pass my driving test, please don't give up as you've spent so much money, time and effort into doing it this far!
5th time lucky, you can do it!

Soon as I passed I got a manual and it's changed my life, I'm so much more independent now- although I still can't park!

ADHDers are up to 50% more likely to have car accidents than neurotypicals. It depends on how your ADHD presents/affects you. Do you find you can choose what to hyperfocus on? I don’t, my mind decides where to hyperfocus and I just have to go with it…
I really struggled to learn to drive, although I have more that one ND so that might have been part of the problem, that and the instructors weren’t the right fit. I stopped trying on my teens and started again in my mid 20s pass the first time then, (after failing I don’t know how many times in my teens) but I think it was a combination of being older, getting the right instructor for me, and being pregnant, the baby was moving all through the test which distracted me from over thinking, and a nice examiner who didn’t give me a major when I failed a manoeuvre, waiting to see how the rest went as I remained safe, so passed with only 2 minors.

For me yes I'd say I get to choose what to hyperfocus on so maybe that helps. I also love cars and driving, i always wanted to drive from age 3 onwards, I race too and get a huge dopamine kick out of that so maybe that's why!

Don’t give up!!!!! I did 9 (yes NINE!!) tests before I finally passed. Oh the freedom it has given me is incredible. Please keep going. It’s not impossible. Look at how many stupid people have a drivers licence!

I’ve been driving for 18 years and still can’t park!!! 😬

Isn't it? Some people aren't suited to driving. I can't ride a horse or tightrope walk, so I don't.

I feel really sorry for you. Some people don't suit driving, don't like driving, are not good at driving. ADHD can make it more difficult. If you're unsure about it, don't.

I don't drive op and my dh has never complained about it I always feel like I should learn though to have more freedom

Whilst I agree with some posters who have said that driving is a basic life skill and should be encouraged in all teenagers - it is definitely easier to learn whilst young - it absolutely is not for everyone. Health issues aside, anyone who hates motorways, dual carriageways, roundabouts etc. probably should not be driving. If it is important enough to you to pass, then you should be getting lots and lots of practice (not just lessons) until it becomes easier.

If you would still like to learn- for your sake and your kids sake because the freedom is amazing please consider learning in an automatic. Yes it's more expensive but it's the only way I managed to pass and from what I'm reading of the things you struggle with driving, it might make a huge difference to you.
Re your partner, I think he is being unreasonable, it's not like it's from a lack of effort on your part, and like you say, you are capable of getting yourself back from work.

I simply would not be with someone who calls me anything, let alone a lazy arse. Equally, I would not be with someone who does not share equally in child rearing, home making and domestic chores. What is he doing by not looking after the children when you are working or getting home by bus. It’s ridiculous! Tell him in no uncertain terms to get over himself and to stop putting pressure on you. And stop letting him pick you up. Get the bus if you want to. I would however reevaluate the driving thing. It would give you freedom.

Whilst I think he is BU about the way he speaks to you- he’s behaving appallingly by calling you names and putting you down- I think he might have a point re having to do all the driving. Both your lives would be easier if you could drive.

I know you say you are happy to get the bus, but he collects you because he wants you home sooner to help with the children. He might be being totally unreasonable by not just getting on with looking after your children if it’s a shorter time and not every night, and he isn’t doing anything else at the same time (e.g. trying to make dinner with children of an age to still need supervision/needing help with homework). Or if he wants you home sooner to do the running around whilst he does sod all, then he is being the unreasonable (and lazy) one.

But, if it’s an extra hour + every week night, he’s left to do all the other tasks (make dinner, trying to supervise younger children/do homework etc) whilst you slowly make your way home, whereas he could have you back to help in 20 minutes or something, so you can both help out, then he is being not unreasonable. We’d tell a woman whose husband took the slowest mode of transport home, leaving them to manage children/making dinner etc every single night that she should expect him to make every effort to get home as quickly as possible and if that means learning to drive, then he should be wiling to do that.

My mum took SEVENTEEN tests I kid you not! She finally passed in an automatic and found it much easier! Also having just bought a new car I feel like they are phasing out manual cars everything I looked at was auto and struggled to find a manual car. I didn’t think I would be able to drive an auto after 20 years driving manual but it’s much much better - I don’t know why anyone would choose that I drive manual haha

We’d tell a woman whose husband took the slowest mode of transport home, leaving them to manage children/making dinner etc every single night that she should expect him to make every effort to get home as quickly as possible and if that means learning to drive, then he should be wiling to do that

@jacks11 don't be so fucking ridiculous. I have literally never seen a response where a male is lambasted for getting public transport back from work! Stopping at the pub, going to the gym, going to their hobby - yes maybe but that's completely different. You are writing absolute nonsense.

I can drive but absolutely hate it, it causes me great anxiety especially as traffic in our area is a total nightmare, I was literally overtaking cars on foot the other day.
MY husband loves to drive, hates being a passenger, passed his test as soon as he was legally able to, whereas I passed on my 5th attempt in my twenties, I wasn’t going to take it again if I failed again.
I agree with others that even if you passed he would probably start nitpicking about something else, he doesn’t sound particularly nice to you.
I’d insist on taking the bus rather then let him pick you up because he doesn’t want to be in his own with the children, they are his as well so should be able to manage, even if it’s putting tea together and getting them ready for bed, assuming that it doesn’t take you hours on the bus.
Some people don’t drive for whatever reason, I have friends that have never driven and get around just fine, go on holidays etc so I never understand the MN opinion that everyone should drive and if you don’t you’re in the wrong.
I have close relatives of both sexes with ND and although they can drive they drive through necessity rather than enjoyment and prefer not to, so their spouses knowing this, tend to drive when they are heading out together, because that’s what loving, supportive partners do.
Time to stick up for yourself and either head back to a less rural area so you can go back to public transport or to tell your other half next time he says something about your lazy arse to wind his neck in.

Your DH sounds like he is horrid to you.

I’d leave and live in the city.

But if you don’t want to leave him:

1. passing in my 30s as a not-natural driver, for me two things were important: a great instructor and my partner taking me out. I would never have cried with the good instructor and hated the one I had as a teenager.
2. Insist on a level of support. My partner took me out every evening for weeks once my instructor said that was reasonably safe. First he drove us to car parks for parking practice, then we did mock test routes as I got closer to passing, and planned our weekends around me driving off motorway.
3. Stop letting him put you down. It is awful for you and wrong to have your children hear this. You know your reasonable choices are not pathetic.

Automatic licence and car? You should learn to drive. As people said -in the U.K. failing 4 times isn’t that unusual!

It’s not the driving that’s a problem but the bullying family.
if he wants you to learn to drive then he needs to finance it now.
if you did get your licence he might be an annoying passenger always criticising your driving which will cause you anxiety.

say no when he wants to pick you up from work. Tell him to go home and get dinner started.

partners are supposed to lift you up not drag you down

My husband was a bit like this. Then I passed my test and he said my driving was too slow and so he carried on driving us and he moved onto criticising me for something else.
Sorry you’re in this situation- he sounds very unkind. Also just to say it can be harder for some people with ADHD to learn to drive. It can just take longer but you’ll get there!

I did four tests due to nerves. I found driving really difficult and frightening, and was afraid of causing accidents. Unfortunately it’s simply perseverance and finding some coping mechanisms eg breathing exercises . Maybe some cbt could help? I had to learn to drive as I couldn’t face a life being dependent on others like that.
Ive now driven for 30 years no claims so I’m not a bad driver at all. It takes some people longer. Find a way to do it. Good luck.