DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Ooh yes, when I hyper focus I can achieve anything! I wish I had the urge to drive, I really don’t think I’m cut out for it. I have been prescribed ADHD meds now so maybe they would make a difference?

My DH only learnt to drive this year and it's lightened the load on me in so many ways. When we need something from the shop, it would always fall to me because why would I make him walk 15 mins to the shop and 15 mins back when I could get there in 5 mins etc.

He passed in a manual but we bought him an automatic because he isn't a "natural" driver.

We paid for the lessons out of our joint money, because it's for the benefit of our family not just him.

Give lessons in an automatic a go!

My husband doesn't drive, and the times he has attempted to give it a go it's the gears and clutch thats throwing him off. He's gonna give lessons in an automatic a go and see how that pans out. It's all well and good your DH saying he wants you to drive but if you're not safe or confident to be on the roads then you shouldn't be, as it would be dangerous for both you and other people on the road.

Hope you get sorted whatever you choose! 💜

He cant look after his kids alone???

(Misses point of thread but, wtf!)

He just wants you to drive for his own selfish reasons. Tbh, when both partners can drive, it's usually the man who drives anyway when they're both in the car. Anyway, if it's so important to him, he should have married a driver.

My partner has a full driving licence but chooses not to drive. We have an automatic which he's happier jumping in in an emergency but I can count on one hand the number of times he's driven since we had kids (eldest is 7).
It can be annoying being the one constantly running around but I would never go on like your husband. He sounds like a prize prick to be honest.
My partner pulls his weight in other ways, sorts his own journeys out and never expects a lift from me.

I think it's a bit mean, you have tried and I wouldn't want to be spoken to like that

He's the arse. Wants you home quicker so he isn't alone with the kids? Pathetic If it wasn't driving it would be something else.

People act like driving is essential, it isn't. It's a skill that comes much more easily to some than others. A car is potentially a deadly weapon. I can't drive either, and not for lack of trying. I really wasn't getting the hang of it at all and was an anxious mess.

I use public transport, taxis or ocassionally accept lifts if offered, but never expect them. I'm sure there are times DH would love if I could share the driving, but if by some miracle I managed to pass the test I guarantee I'd be a danger so it's better that I don"t!

I think you need to use that hyperfocus for the sake of your family and pass that fest. Your husband does sound like a bit of a dick though and a bit of a bully so maybe focus on the fact that if you need to leave him then being able to drive yourself and the kids away would be easier than catching a bus 😉

Did a driving school actually let you bring your kids to lessons?

I was in your situation 20-odd years ago; the bloke I was seeing was also fed up of being the only driver. It’s fair enough I suppose. He’d been driving since he was 17 and I can see how it would be annoying to always have to drive/never be able to go out and have a drink with a meal.

I learned when I was in my mid-20s, I hated it at first. However, I will say it’s given me lots of opportunities. I’ve worked shifts pretty much since I passed and I’d never have been able to do that without driving as I worked 20-30 miles away and had to be in work long before public transport started.

This point was illustrated when my car was in the garage overnight. I got a lift in for my night shift and had to get the train home. I was only 25 miles away but it took me almost 2 hours to get home on public transport after finishing at 0630. Was just over 30 minutes by car.

Can you try again? It took me 8 tests (!) but I got there in the end.

Well done on passing your test!

When you eventually pass your test, drive off into the sunset 😀

Yeah! Do this for you, OP. It’s not for him. You’re doing this for yourself.

I don't think he's unreasonable for wanting you to drive (I hate being the only driver in our house) but he is unreasonable for calling you lazy and giving you such a hard time about it.

Good lord, what knobs your DH and his parents are!!!

I had several (ahem) tests before I passed in my early twenties, with barely any responsibilities to speak of - cannot imagine how difficult it would have been pregnant / with tiny kids in the back during lessons with me. Hats off to you for trying OP. Just like other life skills some people find it easier than others.

If you want to drive and this is what YOU want then go for it OP. An automatic should make things a lot easier for you if that is an option.

If not, stick to the bus.

Either way, tell your DH and his parents to bugger off.

I can't drive, I have personal reasons for never having learned. My DH doesn't like driving but he has never critisised me for not driving. OP I'm sorry you are going through this. What is your relationship like in other ways is your husband supportive in other ways?

Do people with ADHD have to take regular tests as a medical condition that impacts on executive function? So many people seem to scrape by passing after multiple attempts it's a bit of a red flag for safety to me.

Yea I always sort my own journeys out - for example I took my oldest abroad for a couple of nights-took a taxi to the city, a national express coach to the airport then a plane ✈️ Same for the journey home-I’m very independent and would never expect lifts.

OK so your husband comes from a family of twats then. It helps explain it but doesn't excuse it.

I’m not sure? I don’t think so?

If you’re really nervous on test day you could ask for some sort of relaxant from the Dr. They used to do it years ago as my friend got one after falling x3 (and then passed). Not sure if they still do but worth asking.
Or Bach’s rescue remedy may help. Could be nerves are holding you back and you may relax into it and get better.
DH is rude for calling you pathetic though - you are trying.

So many judgemental posts... Not all people with ADHD find driving difficult, but a significant number of people with ADHD find driving challenging. Most of these comments have overlooked the fact that your brain is wired differently and they're assessing your inability to do something against a NT person.

You are happy not driving, and you used to live in a big town where it wasn't noticeable. Your DH is the one who wanted you all to move out here, and he hasn't been supportive at all in exchange.

I must say, in your shoes, I'd be tempted to relocate back to the city you're comfortable with and let him rage about the travel back and forth for custody arrangements.

Do you drive with your husband in the car at the moment? From the sound of him he'd probably destroy your confidence anyway but you need to practice driving all the time if you can. Could you drive home when he picks you up from work? He sounds horrible though so maybe not a solution.

I'm neurodivergent and I can drive, took me five tests. I passed 25 years ago. I hate every single time I drive. It really takes it out of me. I wish I had never passed. DP is happy to drive because it doesn't bother him in the slightest.

I love to cook. I'll happily cook for every meal. DH hates to cook. Would live on beans on toast. Instead, I prep all the meals.

That's how we play to our strengths and work as a partnership.