DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

I think if you have your licence temporarily taken away (e.g. if your meds make you unsafe and you need to go through titration again), you can be forced to reapply every year for a certain period of time. But that's getting a doctor to sign off, not you retaking your test.

There are two issues here.

The first is driving.

The second is how he speaks to you. It's not acceptable. This is the one that needs to be addressed as a priority.

He sounds like he enjoys having a stick to best you with ,they did a number on you , getting you to move to the middle of nowhere, knowing you couldn't drive .
That sounds like they are trying to isolate you .
Surely a move to somewhere isolated should only of happened after you passed your test ..well if they cared about your welfare,they wouldn't want you stuck with no independence.
I think I'd be getting the house up for sale and moving where I had decent transport and without the pressure you might find driving comes a bit easier

He's being quite unfair really. Yes, it might be easier if you could drive but it sounds like you moved rurally to suit him, and he's being very mean calling you lazy and pathetic. If you want to drive, do it for you. But it sounds like there's a bigger issue in that he is treating you very poorly and it's not how it should be.

Beat ,not best

So sorry but your husband sounds like a complete twat. Does he really not get that your ADHD is obviously a massive factor in why you have such problems with driving? Next time he offers a lift tell him that you'd rather get a bus to save him the trouble of ferrying your lazy arse about. Then give him the death stare. He needs to realise that it really isn't the end of the world that you can't drive

He wants me home quicker so he’s not on his own with the children

God. You don't have a driving problem; you have a "D"H problem.

Don’t give up! I passed at 37 in an automatic first time as I hated manual. It’s made life much easier although my husband would have been happy to drive me forever, it’s something I wanted to do for myself. I would not have taken kindly to being called a lazy arse and it sounds like you have bigger issues in your relationship than not driving if that’s his attitude!

I feel like even if you pass there will be something else. He likes to make you feel a bit shit about things. I'd think about how he treats you generally.

I'd sit him down and say you are sorry you haven't been able to pass your test but you are not going to be continuously punished for it. But going forward you won't accept lifts, you will only access the car if it's alongside dh and kids. So you cannot be considered lazy or a burden.

Plenty of posters are criticising the OP for not driving, but I think it’s the horrible husband who is the problem!

It took one of mine 6 tests, I think. She is a good driver but found the tests stressful & overwhelming. She didn’t throw the towel in though & got there in the end. Keep going - if you want to pass you can.

I passed late in life, I also have ADHD. Stick with it.

I drive an automatic but passed with a manual. It's much easier. My sister struggled and then switched to learning in an automatic and passed her test. It's worth considering.

If you don't want to be a driver don't. My Mum didn't drive and it wasn't an issue. My Dad did the driving and I didn't ever hear him complain. We just walked/got the bus and train when he wasn't home. We got around just fine.

Yes driving is more convenient but it's ok to be a non driver. Your OH doesn't sound very supportive. I would be tempted to tell him you're ok and not pick you up. Get the bus anyway.

I'm the driver in our house and I hate it. My life is so much harder as DP can't take DC to/from clubs, childcare, do weekly shopping (he does order sometimes) and having a few drinks is out of the question if DC have anything at all on at weekends as I'm the only person who can get them where they need to be. They will occasionally go out on the bus/train but for the everyday slog it falls on me. I now don't offer to take DP anywhere as I can't relax with him in my car. We have far bigger issues.

Nooo, they don’t !

The issue here isn’t your ability to drive. It’s that your DH is a disrespectful abusive POS. You must see that, surely? You must realise that the manner in which he speaks to you is unacceptable?

Can you do one of those 1 week intensive courses where they test you at the end? I think it may well be that you're a perfectly good driver just nervous about the testing situation.

I didn't learn to drive until I was over 40. Like you I'd always lived in London and didn't need to drive. But I found myself with two toddlers living in a more remote place and I had to do it, just to get them to the doctors. Otherwise it was a 40 minute walk each way, sometimes in the snow. No buses.

Keep trying, I think you'll get there in the end. It will give you all kinds of independence.

Look, learning to drive is hard.
you’ve tried, really hard. You can keep trying. Or you could talk to your DH about moving somewhere more urban.

But he should not be calling you a lazy arse, at all, ever!!! That is not alright

But you're the lazy one?

You tell him very firmly either you get the bus home and he cares for his children til you're home, or he can continue picking you up but he shuts up the whining because it's his choice.

And you start figuring out how to leave him, because this doesn't sound like a person who cares about you.

I think if you feel you are awful at driving, have failed 4 times for a variety of reasons, you probably aren't cut out to drive and would be an unsafe driver. You should tell your husband you won't be driving and if he's unhappy with that the only option (other than splitting up) would be to move. Not everyone is going to be good or even just safe drivers.

I completely sympathise. I have ADHD too and found driving really difficult. It took a few tests for me to pass but honestly I didn't properly drive till I had my baby last year as it was too hard for DH to have to take the baby out when it was just me that needed to go somewhere. It still isn't the easiest thing but DH is less annoyed with me and I have more freedom.

Could it be to do with the manual?
I'm sort of in a similar position where I'm relearning to drive as driving here is in narrower roads, on the 'wrong side of the road' and way more hilly than I used to (not being from the UK).

So I'm taking automatic refresher lessons.
I hated it at first and while I don't love it now, I don't hate it anymore. It's such an invaluable skill so I'm going to keep at it until I feel confident to drive on my own again.

DH felt the same of being the 'designated driver' but equally I love the idea of being able to go where I want and when I want without relying on him so I'm keeping at it.

But automatic and driving.on my terms has made all the difference.

Try an automatic-you don't need to think about clutch control and gears which makes everything else easier. It worked for me after 5 failures in a manual car.

Find something that works for you in terms or giving you the urge. Maybe if the children were in danger (God forbid) and you needed to take them somewhere?

Learning to drive a manual car is crazy these days. It will be WAY easier on an automatic.

Stop spending so much money. Can you go with a friend to practise?

it all sounds like to me that your husband doesn’t understand how you can’t pass your test so is creating reasons. He probably passed fine, as did his parents and friends so can’t understand why.

ADHD would normally not be any kind of issue to getting a pass so please don’t believe yourself out of passing due to that.

You can do this. It may just take you a bit longer. Every time you drive or take a test think of it as another milestone on the way to passing rather than failure.

Good luck!

He's horrible. Verbally abuses you and won't look after his own children,

I'd be looking to leave, and minimize his contact with the kids if possible so they don't learn his disrespectful, misogynistic ways