DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

He is a twat
but keep going and pass. It will give you freedom and confidence

What a smallminded view.

I grew up in a semi-rural area with busses to town timetabled for every 30 mins and it's a total pain if you do actually rely on them. They're always either late or early, and you waste so much time getting there early "just in case", then waiting for ages if they're late. The GP surgery is over in the next village and the bus there only comes once a week! In my teenage years I just cycled to work, and made sure I always had the puncture repair kit with me. No way I'd move back without a driving licence.

I'm in a similar situation to you except my DH doesn't drive either. I also took my test 4 times, no theory back then. However I'm 100% sure I'm dyspraxic and possibly have ADHD too so find the usage of hands and feet and looking out for other traffic and dealing with it problematic.

I’ve always driven manual; I did struggle in my early driving lessons (which I’m now sure was due to undiagnosed ADHD. In my worst moments I could probably have given Mr Bean in his Mini a run for his money!), but am now confident and competent (other drivers can still be a big issue, as they are for everyone else too).
Manual cars are second nature to me, whereas my mum has an automatic and I struggle to reverse it down the drive.

In any case, it sounds like OP’s husband is the issue - OP has made it clear she’s trying to, regardless, and has alternative transport she’s happy to use.
Half an hour looking after his children alone isn’t going to kill him, and it’s selfish as fuck for him to expect OP to come back earlier so he can avoid that.

If he’s so desperate for you to drive, why isn’t he funding the lessons and tests?

How is it small minded? People who don’t drive but demand constant lifts and that you ferry them everywhere irritate me. If they don’t bother you then that’s your prerogative. I just find it a bit weird when adults don’t drive as to me it’s a major life skill. Exception would be those who live inner city and have no intention of moving; then driving makes no sense.

I failed my first two tests, taken as an adult. It’s a tough test.

But I don’t think your biggest issue is you can’t drive. Your husband is a horrible person. He’s nasty to you, belittles you, thinks you should be responsible for child care while learning (amazed your instructor was okay with this) and wants you home faster so you can skivvy for him.

Do you love this man? He sounds awful. Are you safe? Would you like to divorce him and and not be treated like this?

You have only mentioned that you don’t mind getting yourself around on buses, but what about your kids? My partner doesn’t drive and we have two small kids. It’s a pain in the arse being the sole driver on holidays and as the kids get bigger, they will need lifts to places. I think as a parent that duty should be shared. That said, at least you’ve made the effort to learn - my partner couldn’t even be bothered to try or communicate that he doesn’t want to learn. He’s just become chippy and avoidant about the subject, which definitely makes me feel resentful, and is also very unattractive.

Your husband sounds like a prick that comes from a family of pricks.

You know name calling is verbal abuse?
That he is bullying and abusing you?

Call Womens aid for a chat.
You deserve better.

@Hellskitchen24 Most non drivers I know get about on public transport and taxis.
The roads are already full and that's with millions of people not driving. Imagine if everyone could drive.
The roads would be less safe as people who shouldn't drive have been forced to pass.

Try the automatic, if it works for you, get an automatic car. If he says anything then tell him its non of his business if you drive a manual or automatic, the reult is the same, you can get from a to b in your own vehicle. We haven't had a manual car for years. We can both drivr automatic, why anyone would care if you drive manual or automatic is beyond me. Dont tell him you are taking lessons.

I hope you either just leave him, take the children and move back to the town, or stick it to him by passing a test, even in an automatic lol and being independent that way. If he starts on something else, you can pack your car and leave more easily.
Your children will thank you. Guys like him have no business being anywhere near family life. They try to pull everyone down to their level. He knows you’re better than he is and has to demean you so you don’t realise it.
If he keeps on calling you names , your children will learn to call you names and how do you think it will make them behave in their relationships when older?
You need to tackle him on that. Don’t just take it.

Automatic licenses are real licences. My automatic Mercedes SL 5.5 litre which is governed to 155 mph because that was easily attainable and more, is a real car. I don’t need a manual licence to drive it. All the supercars come in automatic. Aston Martin, Jaguar, Lamborghini, Maclaren.
He is a twat. Don’t believe anything he tells you, especially if he’s showing contempt for you and what you do.

@FlyingHighintheSkyy

Forget about the driving. It's the least of your issues. Your husband is a nasty cunt. He and his dickhead parents have demonised you and the driving thing is your Achilles heel so they are using it as a stick to beat you with. Fuck them, new year starts tomorrow. Get your ducks in a row and pull your big girl pants up. You don't need to spend another year bowing to the needs and demands of a man who treats you like an inconvenience and constantly over eggs his own contribution to detract from the fact that you are doing pretty much everything else.

It'd seriously piss me off if i was the only driver to be absolutely honest

My mum never learned to drive, and would be sat there with her coat on waiting for my dad to come home, so they could go out and do a big shop. She didnt work.,,,,It is so 1950s. I know I will be flamed for this but seriously I could not imagine not being able to drive

I saw his face drop when he walked in and realised - every, time

Yes I agree with your OH as its putting more pressure on him

My husband has just bought his first automatic. Says he should have done it years ago. He wants me to get one next.

this is why I stopped my driving lessons. we can't afford to run two cars, so it was a lot of money to spend, just to be able to take turns

Switch to automatic, it will change your life.

I can drive a manual but not well enough to pass a test. My brain can't compute the need to use two feet while concentrating on the road and navigating and using a steering wheel and I end up being all confused. I wasted so much money on manual lessons.

I switched to auto and passed my test first time. Automatics are just like giant go carts, and they great in towns and cities, very convenient and very easy to drive.

I failed numerous practical tests over probably 10 or 15 years, got diagnosed with ADHD, and then passed the next one.

I had to find the right instructor though, and tell her! because it wasn’t about the driving as such - I had to learn to stay calm and not shut down with the overwhelm.

More than a couple of lessons had me sobbing by the end (ADHD emotional dysregulation?). It was horrid!

My family kept offering “helpful” suggestions and motivation - best intentions and all that, but I got to the point where the only thing I would tell them was that I was working on it, and I wasn’t interested in talking more than that.

I can drive now, and it is so worth it, but I think it was important to do it for myself/my own reasons, and not let other people’s pressure bother me.

Your husband sounds like an utter bellend, and massively counterproductive for you!

Putting aside the driving, is he this rude and unpleasant to you in other areas? For whatever reason you can't drive - he needs to be more understanding.

I totally understand the frustration of being the only driver but in your case he needs to back off. You’re learning, you’re trying and learning with your child in the back must be really hard. When mine are playing up It’s hard to focus and I’ve been driving for 15 years.

He needs to change his attitude (and shut up) and he needs to be supportive as you both want the same outcome from this.

I really sympathise with you OP. My ex H was and is exactly the same. The only thing he could do that I couldn’t is driving, and God did he hold it over me!

he still does although we’re not together - because he has ti pick our children up. He made and makes rude and nasty comments. It’s not the reason we separated but it certainly contributed to it.

He also did things like promising to sort a car and then not, very passive aggressive and almost like he didn’t actually want me driving so that he could use it to control me and mock me. I have a responsible job and a degree, he has always hated this so will Lord it over me about not being able to drive.

Like you I had lessons, both when 17 and in my 30s. I also have ADHD and dyspraxia , but not known until later in life. Zero support and nastiness from your husband it awful. Not sure what to suggest; I separated from mine because I couldn’t stand being treated and spoken to like this, especially in front of our children. Not sure if this is viable for you.

Virtual hugs though

I was 40 when I passed and it was my 4th test . I passed in an automatic , keep at it OP I know its scary I used to get in a terrible state just doing lessons but honestly it changes your life

My DH doesn't drive, he has a licence, but fo various reasons I've become the default driver, and now it's so long since he drove I don't think he'd be safe on the road (not just lack of practice, he's also getting older and his sight and reaction times etc not so hot!). He was saying he'd start again because I really could do with him taking over sometimes when we do long drives, but looks like he's changed his mind. From the title and your intro, I was expecting to think YABU, but after reading what you've said in full I don't think you are. You're trying your best to pass your test and your husband and ILs are just constantly putting you down for not having passed. It's much more difficult to learn when you're older (I say this as someone who passed first time at 17), and some people just don't take to it at all. You've done well if you're only failing with minor errors. Don't give up, try the automatic and if you get another test date, just don't tell anyone until you pass if they're using it against you. Look into finding an instructor that's good with nervous learners too, it makes a big difference.

I don't think you not driving is the main issue in your relationship. I think the arguments he creates, about being the only driver, just highlight how unkindly he treats you in general.