DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

These are not nice people. Imagine if someone had dyslexia and their partner and in-laws spent years making digs about how lazy they were, how using a spellcheck was 'cheating', how they were fed up doing all the paperwork, helping with the kids' homework etc .It would be seen as unimaginably insensitive and cruel. Women are rarely vile to men like that though, we are socialised to 'be kind', while they punch down on us to feel better about their own inadequacies.

You may have dyspraxia to accompany your ADHD. It’s a common pairing.

I am dyspraxic and it took me nine attempts to pass my test. I still absolutely hate driving. It takes every ounce of concentration and energy I can muster. I can’t have music on or have any kind of conversation in the car that might distract me.

I have driven an automatic for the past ten years and that has made it much easier. However, don’t be bullied by these bastards. Your DH sounds like a total arsehole tbh.

Maybe you would be happier living back in the city without him.

Took a few more posts but we got there in the end.

He wants you home quicker as he can't manage his children by himself. Tell him he needs to practice and get better at it, just like you've tried to learn how to drive. Also, it's nothing to do with his mother (he might go crying to her how you haven't managed to pass a driving test yet but when she weighs in, I'd be telling her she isn't the 3rd person in the marriage and to keep her nose out of it!).

That's it!

Find your anger towards these terribly unsympathetic people. Just retort "Well, I may not be able to drive when you're older, but I'll definitely be involved in selecting your nursing home so you'd better start being nice to me, Ha Ha!"

Next time him or his inlaws comment "well, at least I can look after the children I made on my own, unlike you. How embarassing"

Normally learning in a manual shouldn’t be a big deal, but since OP failed 4 tests, feels overwhelmed, and is under pressure from H, maybe taking some things out to simplify will help at least pass for something. If you don’t have to balance clutches and make gear changes because of the sudden changes in all the traffic, if it’s just one pedal go, other pedal stop, she might feel less stressed on the day. Another test once you have one licence is less pressure too. It’s not as though you can lose the licence you have.

When H picks her up, she should be driving home, though. Whenever they go out together, she should be driving. He should not be driving her anywhere. He should be in the passenger seat

Well FIL jokes that he literally drove from one end of the road to the other and was given a license. If only it was that easy! He’s actually not a good driver and I doubt he would pass a driving test by today’s standards.

I'm aghast that you had to take driving lessons with your baby in the back seat!
Totally try an automatic, it's so much easier. Book all your lessons in the evenings or at weekends and make sure to leave the children with your husband.

Driving is a pretty basic life skill. I’d be annoyed too if I was the only person able to drive in our family.

Same, I have ADHD and I've tried to learn but I wouldn't be a safe driver. Would you be a safe driver? I don't react to hazards quickly enough.
I live in a city due to this. I wouldn't move to the suburbs.
He shouldn't moan if he insisted you live somewhere where one needs to drive.
My husband drives me places. I do some other chores more than him. It evens out.
Does he do an equal amount of all other chores?

They've got kids. That's not a good idea

If ever my partner called me pathetic and lazy it would be the the first and last time.

What a shithead.

This! No way would I ever put up with being insulted and put down.

If he's that fussed then why isn't he taking care of the children while you have lessons?

Nothing could rachet up your stress and impact your concentration quite like having a baby in the back while doing a lesson. I've never heard of this before and I'm surprised the instructor is covered for it, frankly. It sort of reminds me of the Jo Brand sketch with the two female police officers who have to bring their children and all the laundry in the patrol car with them.

He sounds awful

Remind him your a team. There are things you do that he probably can't, so you work together.

Very wisely said.

@FlyingHighintheSkyy as previous posters have said, you have a husband problem. As they have also said, if you drive then he will just find something else to pick at. Your inlaws sound just as bad. I couldn't put up with this, it would annoy me too much.
I like the idea of telling him that he needs to improve with the children and then you can happily keep catching buses.

ffs why are you married to such a wanker? i think the driving test is a red herring. are you happy in your marriage

Your DH really is the gift that keeps giving isn't he @FlyingHighintheSkyy ???

FFS. He wouldn't be happy with a full license to drive a hybrid/automatic car but he want's you to have a license to drive a car because he wants you home earlier to look after his kids (and probably do housework and cook/clean for him too)??? What exactly does this prince amongst men bring to your table???? I really can't see what benefits he brings to your marriage, I really can't and I struggle to see why you would want to remain with him for the rest of your days and expose your children to his toxicity.

I’ll be honest, I find adults who can’t/won’t drive really irritating. There is no barrier to learning really, and it’s accessible to everyone. Yes it’s expensive but so is everything. The constantly badgering for lifts, the “I can’t do that because I can’t drive”, the I need you to pick me up at blah blah, need you to drop me back by this time, like you are a bloody taxi service. I said this to my sister once because I was fed up of being a taxi service as if it was just expected because I drive and she doesn’t. She kicked off but it’s on my terms now so it worked.

I live semi rurally but have seen several instructors advertise that they have SEN experience. Maybe look out for someone like this who would understand a different way of approaching learning for you.

4 tests isn't that many really... It took me 5 tries. And it took my sisters DP 13!!

I agree with your DH personally. Yes, learning to drive is an absolute shitter. I hated, HATED it, but the improved quality and ease of life it provides is immeasurable.

You have a husband problem. Of course an automatic license is a "proper" license, He and his family sound like they just don't like you OP.

Can you live like that? I suppose they're all wonderful at everything and welcome constant criticisms of their own shortcomings?

Why? There are many people, several of whom have posted here who can't drive, don't drive or can but found it was not something that came naturally to them. There are medical reasons for some people being unable to drive, too. In addition to this, there are far too many people who are on the roads who should not be driving. I can drive, but only drive locally as l am very nervous of motorways and dual carriage ways. My husband drives when we go out together, which suits me very well. If I wish to go on a longer journey on my own, I take the train.