DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Yep, a few people tried to convince me 25+ years ago that somehow learning in a manual was in some mystical way better. Lot of crap.

I never let any of the imaginary scenarios friends and acquaintances tried on me put me off automatics. Not once, not ever, have I had to drive someone else's car (I wouldn't anyway too worried about insurance and deeply uncomfortable driving another person's vehicle regardless) and on the rare occasions - maybe half a dozen times in 25 years - something has happened to my car I have called roadside assistance, family, friend and taxi. Rentals and loans from insurance always offer autos anyway.

Autos are becoming the standard in many places now, thankfully, and yep unless you're a petrol head, making driving simpler and safer is a wise goal most easily accomplished with an auto.

There are a lot more automatics about now than there used to be. Once the OP has confidence and has driven the automatic to gain that confidence , in a couple of years , she could apply for a manual test / licence. If needed.

Your husband is an irrational, bullying prick. That has to be the real issue?

I’d agree. His attitude stinks. He’d only call me a lazy arse once. But some people don’t seem to mind the abuse and contempt. It’s demeaning and designed to make him feel superior at her expense but she has to reach that realisation herself

Oh, and it’s not healthy for children to witness him treating her like that, too. What an example to set for what a ‘normal’ marriage looks like .. 😫

I think the driving thing is a red herring, to be honest. Nobody should be speaking to their partner like that, ever. Red flag.

For various reasons I can’t drive, and my DH understands and has never made me feel bad about it; I appreciate him driving us places and he appreciates the ways in which I contribute to our family life.

Your 'D'H is an abusive prick. I honestly don't understand women who are willing to stay with men who speak to them like this. I'd be out of there like a shot. No more need for him to 'ferry your lazy arse around'.

Is purposefully not learn any longer now.
I wouldn't have anyone force me into doing anything I didn't want to.
It's not even like you don't want to, you are trying. nobody goes through the stress of multiple driving tests if they didn't want to drive. Ferrying you about? He's your husband and should be happy to take you and from places.
What an absolute arsehole

No. You don't even have to declare to the DVLA unless you feel it affects your driving.

I drove 40 ton trucks around the city centre for years with no issues. Had less bumps than most of my workmates. I always felt my ADHD stopped me zoning out. It helps to constantly be a bit fidgety, checking mirrors, blind spot camera, etc.

What a ridiculous comment. At the moment OP can’t drive at all. How is that better than an auto only licence?! And it’s not a life sentence. She can drive for a few years and build up her confidence then take another test to upgrade to a manual licence if she wants to.

I didn’t know any driving schools were you don’t take the test in the car you have been practising in! The instructor can sit in the back (mine did).

I also spent a lot of time and money learning to drive. I really don’t think learning in an automatic is the big solution people make out. Gears weren’t the difficult part, it’s all the other bloody cars on the road! And the rules to remember. I really don’t like driving and therefore would not live semi rurally. I prefer city break holidays rather than hiring a car.

OP your DH sounds highly unreasonable. Maybe you could all move to a place with better transport. Or just you and the DC!

The problem isn't your lack of driving

I don't yet drive but am so embarrassed at the burden I put on others. I am learning, slowly. Think about how many idiots are out on the roads having passed their tests. If they can, so can you. x

As a lot of people have said, give auto a try, OP. I used to be an instructor and had both manual and automatic cars. I loved the auto. I often had people burst into tears at the end of their first lesson in it because they realised that actually they could drive, they started to relax and feel that the car was doing what they want it to do rather than them fighting it all the time. No more fearing it stalling as they pull out into a gap on a roundabout, no getting the wrong gear by accident. It takes so much stress and mental load away. They often said at the end of that first lesson that this was the first time they could imagine themselves driving around after they had passed.

I will note though that the biggest barrier I found to women driving was often their husband. When they brought up the idea of automatic lessons their husbands would berate them and say it wasn’t a ‘proper’ licence or ‘if you can’t manage a manual you shouldn’t be driving’ etc etc. Try and ignore those comments. I think perhaps some men like their wife to be stuck at home and relying on him. That way he knows where they are and who they are with at all times.

I mean, I started learning at 36 with a two year old and a two month old baby, just a few weeks after my mother died. Every bit of driving I ever did was with them in the car. If anything that made it easier, as by the time I passed and was driving alone I was already used to having them in the back!

Definitely try an automatic. SO much easier. Manual driving is just far too much like hard work.

I also can’t drive OP. Had over 200 lessons and it doesn’t work for me. I have attention issues and maybe also left it too late so it doesn’t come ‘naturally’. Anyway, my DH also doesn’t love it. But my solution is to live in a big city where you don’t really need a car - and cabs are not prohibitively expensive. I know DH would like to move somewhere more rural but it just can’t happen. You need to speak to DH about compromise here and it might be moving to where there is more transport.

People drive manual because until more recently there wasn't that many automatic options on sale and they were more expensive to buy/run/repair as a result. When I was looking for my first car, coming across an auto was rare and I passed in 2008. Additionally if you pass in a manual you can drive either, giving you options. If you pass in an auto, you can only drive autos.

I totally understand why people might prefer an auto, DH has a company car and over the years of that we've had manual, auto and electric autos. They're easy to drive. But I also understand why people may want the option to do either. These days they're much more common, because of advancements in the tech, more electric and hybrid options etc. But not so much in the older, cheaper car market.

That’s really inspiring -I’ll definitely have a couple of automatic lessons and see what I think. That’s interesting what you said about the women’s husbands, DH has said exactly that about me having automatic lessons- that an automatic license is not a proper license and that he would think less of me if I passed in an automatic. Yes I do think that’s part of it too that he likes to think that I have to rely on him. In arguments he says stuff like I rely on him for everything which is utter rubbish as there’s only one thing he can do (professional roles aside) that I can’t and that’s driving.

I can't believe people are pushing someone who doesn't want to drive, who doesn't feel like she can safely drive, onto the road.
There are millions of people who can't drive, it's normal. Can you imagine the traffic and parking if everyone could!? It's already terrible.

After 3 years of driving an automatic, started driving a manual transmission. Learning to drive an automatic took a couple of hours but becoming good at driving a manual transmission took several weeks. Way harder!!

well colour me shocked he thinks driving an automatic is not proper driving. He really is a cunt isn’t he

I can only reiterate what PP have said. pass your test and then use your new found skill to drive far far away from he. He sounds utterly & completely awful

Oh, he is an utter arsehole and he LOVES having this power over you. Once you learn to drive he will find another reason to abuse you. At that point hopefully you will see it for what it is.

There is a lot of co-dependency in your relationship.
It’s probably not very healthy to be so reliant on each other. I wouldn’t want this set up.
It sounds like he’s not happy with it either, but he also sounds controlling and yet dependent on you also for other roles like parenting your children. His communication with you also sounds quite toxic. Overall there are lots indicators that your dynamic is not particularly equal / healthy: look up transactional analysis.

It’s worth a go. Don’t tell him. Get a lesson or 2 booked in, someone to look after the kids for a while and see how you feel.

If you don’t like it then that’s ok. You know you have explored your options.

p.s failing 4 times is nothing. I have also seen from the other side of the fence that people come to test long before they are actually ready and end up failing multiple times because they haven’t had enough lessons yet. Not all instructors are equal and sadly some do encourage people to go to test before they should. You could easily have someone pass first time or 12th time and have no difference in their ability to drive after they have passed because one was presented when they were truly ready and the other long before they were.

Omg the way he and his family speak to you is just horrible! Who do they think they are??
You can't/have the anxiety because all the twats around you are destroyed your confidence.
Yes it might be frustrating for him, but to speak to you like that is just verbally abusing you.
Honestly, make it a New Year's resolution to yourself to learn to drive and make plans to leave this man and horrible family. Fgs you tried with a baby in the back seat- hardly the signs of a lazy and uncommitted woman!