DH resents how I don’t drive

[FlyingHighintheSkyy]

It causes massive problems between us. He says how much he hates driving and being the only driver. We live in a semi rural area and he always makes comments like not being able to drive is pathetic and I was pathetic for not learning when I was young (I didn’t need to as I lived in a big city)

Big pressure from DH and MIL to move closer to DHs job so we ended up in a semi rural area area.

I’ve taken 4 driving tests in total, spent thousands of my own savings, done god knows how many theory tests and have cried my eyes out and broken down during many driving lessons.

I even bought a car and the exhaust fell off - DH and Mil promised to take it to a garage for me, refused to let me sort it, months passed and the car ended up with a clamp as it was parked on our street!

DH still moans about “ferrying me around” when we are actually taking the kids out, it’s not like he’s giving me a lift to a spa!

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

Sorry, long post, for additional info I have ADHD which might explain why I struggled so much with driving. DH feels cheated as I promised I would learn to drive. Seeking advice please.

Driving aside first, your issue is your husband. What muppet pushes you into living somewhere where you and your children will need to rely on a car more yet he is complaining about it. I mean , never mind that, he’s complaining about driving his family around? Wtaf?

If you were to pass and have your own car, what’s next? What will he contribute to life? Because it sounds like he wants to live a life away from you all and drop more responsibilities.

When it comes to driving I get it. I swore down life on buses was just fine for me. I really didn’t see the point. I did pass but anxiety and lack of practice meant I didn’t actually drive for another decade. Some say the extra responsibility of your children makes it even harder to pass/learn. I can relate - it absolutely panicked me having all that responsibility.

I took some automatic lessons 2 years ago, and they really did change my life. (Just be aware autos cost more to start with, but I have a hybrid car and I totally love it all - I wish I had caved to auto sooner)

I do enjoy life driving now, and I can be more independent without DH and his car, and go where I want with the kids, when before I would be waiting for him to come home or organising bus trips with the kids before I could go where I wanted. I save a lot of time too.

Drive because you want to, in this case, imo. But perhaps you do need the independence from him, because he has a bit too much to say!

A friend of mine recently passed on their 11th attempt. I asked them if they are glad now it’s done and their reply was, no, that they don’t enjoy driving at all but they’d felt pressure to keep going until it was achieved because of family responsibilities. It’s a tough one & not something I really understand because I love driving and the freedom it gives me but I know I wouldn’t do it if I had to do it through gritted teeth 😬

Another one saying go auto only! I also have adhd and my manual lessons used to give me panic attacks. Years later tried auto and passed in under 2 months

I’m so sorry to hear about the strain this situation is putting on you. It’s clear that you’ve put an enormous amount of effort into trying to learn to drive, and the emotional toll it has taken on you must be enormous . Driving is especially challenging for many people, and having ADHD can absolutely add an extra difficulty not because you’re incapable, but because traditional driving instruction often doesn’t take your neurodiversity into account. I do also understand that your husband feels frustrated about being the sole driver, especially in a semi-rural area, but the way he expresses it seems deeply hurtful and unfair to you. You’re not “lazy” or “pathetic”; those words are unkind and dismiss the genuine effort and pain you’ve gone through with this. It also looks like the move to a semi rural area was a compromise that added to your challenges, and his frustration may reflect underlying stress about that choice.Perhaps you could have a honest and calm conversation with him about how his words and actions affect you? You could acknowledge his frustration but also explain how much you’ve tried and how his comments only deepen the pressure and anxiety you feel about driving. Perhaps driving with a specialized instructor who understands ADHD if you feel ready in the future. You deserve kindness and support, not blame. Perhaps you could have counseling, either together or individually, to unpack the resentment and pressure that’s building between you both. You’re doing your best, and that should be appreciated.

He constantly says he’s driving my “lazy arse” around but I’m very happy to get busses, he just wants me home quicker from work and insists on picking me up.

This is the problem, not your lack of driving. He's controlling and horrible to you by the sounds of it. If you're not comfortable to drive then don't - you're happy to use buses so do that. If it takes longer then it does. There's no need for him to drive your 'lazy arse' around. Let him ferry the kids around and as soon as they're old enough, teach them how to use buses themselves.

Why don't you get yourself insured on his car as a learner? Less driving for him, much cheaper than lessons etc

So you would rather fill the roads with bad and/or nervous drivers, because your sister acted entitled to your time?

Sort out your ability to say no, and let people decide for themselves if they're comfortable doing something that could cause danger for others if they aren't but are forced.

I honestly believe that some people are naturally good drivers and some aren't. I've had lessons, done my theory test (more than once) and passed it easily. My DH is naturally good. Can step into any car and drive it. Can drive abroad confidently.

It's the practical test that I've failed 6 times! In a manual car each time. Its interacting with other road users that I find a problem.

I think even if I did pass, he'd still do the long journeys as he wouldn't be a good passenger lol

I do take the bus to work, 2 buses in fact one way, it's costly and time consuming.

I don't live in a rural area but my job is 8 miles from home.

OP, I'd encourage you to try driving again. I will be in the new year to make life easier for MYSELF really.

You husband is horrible.

An automatic may a good option for you but looking for a driving instructor with nd awareness would also help. I didn't know I was nd when I learnt but I had a brilliant, patient instructor who taught me to drive not pass the test. She never rushed me and was aware when I'd struggled with learning certain things so found other ways of helping me get it. Everyone learns at a different rate, the most important thing is to reduce the pressure. I went auto 15 years ago for physical reasons but mentally it was a massive help too.

I think the main thing is don't let anyone else pressure you.

Another one encouraging auto! I passed in a manual (young and no kids so mentally easier) but I now drive automatic due to disability and it's so much easier.
As for you 'D' H the next time he says something shit I'd be out the car and at the bus stop, you didn't ask for the lift he's forcing it on you so he doesn't have to parent so fuck him and refuse to get in the car if he's being nasty

Actually, I changed my mind but mumsnet don’t like editing other than for typos.

I did not meant with the children but presumably they went out on their own sometimes.
even so it’s a bad idea. He’s not going to be the helpful co pilot, is he? He’s just going to make comments and stress her out. So giving self a slap for being silly and not thinking it through

Your post gives pathetic vibes.

I’m not sure why you think driving a car is not an achievable goal. Adhd-no excuse.

You need to learn, or accept that you are always asking someone to ferry you around when they might want to be doing their own thing,

My rural neighbor is same. She doesn’t drive which means she has a schedule. On Fridays, her husband takes her to the shops for 1-2 hours.

She has grandchildren who must be delivered to her. Annoys her daughter.
Other days she is home, sometimes gets a ride w me, but is at my mercy for timing. This annoys her. Which annoys me.

Read OPs posts properly.

She doesn't ask for the lifts. She is happy getting the bus. She has twice hourly buses and can get herself around with them. Her DH insists he collects her so she's home quicker and he doesn't have to be the parent. Then he tells her she's lazy because he's driving.

There is a world of difference between people who take the piss and use you as a taxi service, and people who don't drive and use public transport or cycle instead. For people who have always driven and always had a car it seems quite hard for them to imagine that people can get about just fine by other means.

Honestly I'd resent it as well it means you arent independent by choice. Yes it's hard to pass your test and it can take quite a few goes but to me it's a life skill and something you need to know in adult life

God I hate men. They can't bear to spend any time parenting their own kids. OP I would encourage you to persevere and pass your test. I passed as an adult and found it really hard doing lessons but it gives you so much freedom. When you can drive you can tell him to fuck off and go wherever you want while he looks after the kids for a bit. You can piss off to the spa then. 💆

Automatic test is certainty easier, I found it more relaxing, moving forward electric cars are this.
In due course I took manual test, and later Institute of Advanced Driving test.

Don't let Dh and Fil put you down, tell them to F. O. And if it's so important for him, he can pay for the EV.

@DearDenimEagle I just meant that for me an automatic car was not the panacea.
I feel a bit gutted when I think how much I spent learning to drive, many thousands, and had therapy and travelled to get to a recommended instructor etc. But automatic car made no difference because that wasn’t/isn’t for me the difficult part of driving. And I got fed up of so many people saying ‘try an automatic’ as if it would solve everything. It really didn’t. My confidence was actually less when the thing that’s supposed to help everyone didn’t help. I eventually passed (in a manual car) but still lack confidence.

However I do hope it helps OP. Anything to give her choices. And maybe one will be to drive far away from that man and his family.

It’s different circumstances for different people, I guess. I know I would not have passed in a manual the first time because we didn’t have any on the farm..except the tractor. On the plus side I spent zero on driving lessons .

I also understand why someone would not want to drive at all if public transport is good. I learned to loathe buses as a kid, having to use several every weekday but again, that’s just me.

Tbh I do find it annoying when adults don't drive but that's only when they constantly are looking for lifts from others. However that isn't the case with you, you are trying and do take the bus. I think your biggest problem is that your husband speaks to you in an abusive fashion and seems contemptuous towards you. Hope you're ok

Just keep practicing. It may take a year or more but keep practicing.

If you've learnt all the "practicals" when you go out with him, you drive. Practise makes perfect.

You just need some confidence and patience

Yes he's being very mean in what he's saying to you. However please know that when you do pass your test and become more confident, you will have so much more freedom. I know (young and older) people who had to take between 5 and 17 (the 17 was a 21 year old) tests to pass, ot can be done with perseverance. On the other hand some friends don't want to drive because it's too stressful, which yes it is these days, so don't. When I was younger I managed to get about perfectly fine cycling, public transport and lifts.

Do whatever is best for you but honestly give it another go and take control of your own vehicle. You can book it in for repairs etc online easily, like anything. 👍 xx

DSIS failed her test 21 times 😂In the end she just took sn sutomatic test and passed that.

I also think there’s a mad assumption that “everyone” should be able to drive. It’s not for everyone, for a multitude of reasons.