No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

Once again your DH is right. You do know where you stand. Your dsis expects DM to be at her bidding and your DM is expecting you to be at hers. They are quite similar is some respects.

Focus on your own family this year, glad you enjoyed NYE.

This post resonated with me so much. I'm so sorry. I have exactly the same family dynamic. It hurts deeply and profoundly and it has far reaching impact in all areas of your life. I kindly urge you to read up on being the family 'scapegoat'
The realisation I have always been the 'scapegoat' in a dysfunctional dynamic has really helped me to heal and move forward. Good luck to you xx

Good for you op. Take a step back this year. You said your Dsis is abusive, do you think she has some kind of hold over your mum and she felt unsble to accommodate you due to dsis demands?

Your dm doesn’t sound short of cash. Why can’t she just get a cab home and be dropped outside her house? Then she wouldn’t have to walk up a hill or be left standing at a bus stop Sorry but I wouldn’t be dropping her home after the way she’s treated you. Or better still get your sister to pick her up

Narcissist sister who has always had things her way. Her kids have been used all of their lives to prop her ego up and still are in fear of her rages/blocking them/nasty texts from her.

Parents bankrolled her life for years, M still does despite my S being near retirement age and working p/t.

I have been at M's beck and call for years, took her places most weeks/holiday even at a financial cost to me etc etc. S didnt even want to be in the same car as M when they went on a holiday organised by another family member.

They have obvious mutual antipathy, yet co-dependant. Weird and getting worse as they age.

Back away @Iwishmymumwouldbemymum . You can't change ingrained behaviour, and why should you try? You can only change your behaviour so as to stop enabling it, as enabling makes them normalise what is so not normal.

Was there a particular book you read on this or did you just look it up online? This is my situation too.

'Was there a particular book you read on this or did you just look it up online? This is my situation too'

Sorry I forgot to add my answer!
I've been fortunate that my best friend is a therapist and supported me. They are now supporting me in finding a therapist that specialises in family trauma. I have learnt, with support that I can release myself from being the 'scapegoat' but it is hard as it is so ingrained in the family dynamic. I can get pulled back in but having strong boundaries is essential. These are not my secrets to keep anymore.
If anyone out there feels they are the 'scapegoat' you can release yourself from this toxic narrative. It is possible. Xx

Please tell me you didn't go.
If this was me I'd cancel the lot and actually laugh in her face , when she acted all hurt and confused.
You deserve so much better.

This

Well exactly.

Your mom treats you the way your sister treats her.

She's not a people pleaser, but you seeing her that way helps her manipulate you.

Good update op.

I know DM and dsis will be rolling their eyes and accusing me of sulking or being dramatic.

This is such a familiar dynamic in my family as well. Do you have her ticket to the show? I think I’d be ignoring phone calls and messages from her and saying “right, ok, see you some time in the new year”.

She got out of the car and then said in a really disapproving tone "so you're going out? Your daughter is tired, she looks ready to go to sleep." It' was not even 7pm, we were visiting friends with same age kids. It is no problem for my dsis to keep her kids up to midnight every night. I was totally baffled as to why she thought we had travelled to that side of the city, organised accommodation and wouldn't be doing anything or meeting anyone.

So it's okay for her other daughter's children to run the house and stay up all hours.

It would have been okay for the 'suddenly' 'tired' 7 year old to stay and visit with her in her home ... but definitely not okay for her to visit someone else in their home.

Yeah, right.

I suspect she has more in common with OP's sister than OP has liked to see. Glad OP is taking a step back for a while to think about the dynamics.

@Iwishmymumwouldbemymum your DM sounds very like mine.

My DM prioritises my DSIS and her child my niece above everyone else. Me and my families feelings, needs or wants always come last on her list.

This has got worse recently as niece has been on mat leave. My DM has loved this and prioritised niece visiting above everyone else. To the point where she refuses to reply to my texts asking if she is in as I was going to visit and refuses to answer the phone to me if my niece is there or if niece has said she might visit that day. Similarly she either refuses to commit to any arrangements with me until the morning we are due to leave or she cancels any arrangements with me to accommodate niece or DSIS.

I have now stepped back and my life is better for it. She never phones me and rarely texts me expecting I always have to do the running and the visiting. Its like a quote on FB which goes something along the lines of someone’s behaviour or actions shows you what they really think of you, believe them (which is so very true).

I don't know. I feel I'm I a similar situation (how many of us are there?!). A similar thing arose at Christmas and I've pulled right back. Spoke to DPs after sibling being there all week (boy do they like to have the monopoly). The conversation went a lot better than I expected and I did actually feel appreciated, whereas there seemed a tone talking about the sibling where they finally seem to be overstepping and things seem to be wearing thin.

Think there's something to be said for not rising to the bait (which is something I've historically failed at, time and time again). Take a step back, but with grace and no drama. What do they say about familiarity breeding contempt?

OP, I think you dealt with it just fine.

This is 100% the answer. Of course you don’t take her out for the day and drive her home when she’s behaving like this.

Me too. For years I have been the family scapegoat. I did 95% of everything that got done for mum but when either of my siblings appeared, it was like I was invisible. I know my mum loves me but all she did was moan about their behaviour, whilst letting them get away with it and not addressing it with them. My Mum perceives herself as being stuck in the middle, she is not, she perpetuates the issue.

Example, me and my partner have taken a day off to take Mum to her favourite town, some 60 miles away. Its been planned for weeks. The night before a sibling rings her and tells her (not ask) that they are coming that night to stay for a few days. At this point I would expect Mum to say that they are welcome to visit, but she has plans for the next day and she will be out, there is room in the car if they want to join us. Otherwise it maybe best to delay a day or so.

Mum says nothing, except lovely, it will be great to see you , and then cancels us, because sibling is dumping themselves on her at short notice...so what is she to do!!!

When I suggest any of the three options above, she says she is in the middle and doesn't know which way to jump. Except she always does and its me that gets cancelled.

When I say something, I am the trouble causer, I am the one with issues. I have tried talking to my siblings about the stress I am under and how being the sole career for Mum whilst having my own home, family and a full time job, is bringing me to my knees. Their answer....I should get a less demanding job!

i was the family scapegoat and they just do not see it from this perspective at all, I am unreasonable in my expectations that they will consider my well being.

Sorry I hadn’t rtft when j replied before. Sounds like you did the right thing OP. And good job your DH is in your corner.

I agree with others, don’t join your DM in her abuse relationship with your sister!

I hope @RockOrAHardplace
That you have dropped the rope with your mum.
If not look you FOG and get yourself in the Stately Home Thread.