No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

Rubbish. She's been victimising Op since she was a child. @Iwishmymumwouldbemymum You will not change your mum's behaviour now and however much you wish your mum would be your mum she can not go back in time and repair that relationship. She can't be who you want her to be. You need to accept this and swallow it or you need to put in place boundaries.

I would do the show and lunch because DC don't deserve to have their day spoiled. Just stick on a smile and then talk/be honest about it after NYE.

To be honest you have a lot going on tomorrow. You’re travelling, have the dinner/show, need to collect keys at a reasonable hour, spending time with friends for NYE then staying over at your other friend’s house. You’re also doing this with your whole household.

To me it doesn’t make sense and I think it would be good to cut some of that out, as much as you can. If that means forgetting about the show and dinner, so be it. Just tell your mum that it’s cancelled.

Focus on being on time for the people who have made time for you - your friends.

OP you cannot control how other people behave, only how you respond.

Go for lunch, go to the show, drop your mum at her door and then go and enjoy some fizz with your family and friends. Enjoy every minute and put your mum and sister out of your head.

You will only worry if you leave her to get the bus or drop her at the end of her road.

You know next time not to put quite as much effort in. By all means visit her but don’t be treated as second best.

The mother could quite easily have said "of course you can stay ...you and your DC can have the first room and sister and her DC can have the other " and when the sister kicked up a fuss she could have said " you're not actually expecting me to ask your sister not to stay when we've already made plans together? If you don't think the room will be comfortable enough then I'd be happy to chip in for a hotel room". She could have prioritised the daughter who spends time with her and priorities her. Toxic people continue to behave badly because they are allowed to.

I've similar with my DM except its another relative she allows poor behaviour form towards me. A couple of years ago it peaked and I did a lot of soul searching.
I don't engage with the relative other than the bare civil minimum but have given no cause for my elderly DM to get caught in any crossfire. I don't have many years left with DM so I'm not going to let a narcissistic asshole disrupt those years because that person would love that.

My mother always treated my brother more favourably than me. Things riled when it started to impact on my dd and I ended up with a big reset by putting my boundaries up. My mother is about the same age as yours. This was a few years ago now, perhaps when she was mid 70s. But it did work.

I really would suggest you do the same. This time, I would do as you suggest and drop her at the end of her road. I know people are advising you to let her take the bus. Personally I wouldn’t as she’s in her 80s. But I would be stepping back and seeing a lot lot less of her. No more holidays. It’s your sister’s turn.

@Iwishmymumwouldbemymum I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings

With kindness, judging by your username ............ maybe it's that you feel you need to prove yourself more than your siblings

DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish........... My mother complains but always panders to her.

The easiest option for her is to let your DSis have her own way - this is how your mum has been conditioned in her way of thinking.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

Yes, you probably do the most and are taken for granted ....................... but you don't have to continue to be taken for granted.

The only one who can break the cycle is you.

Stop doing what you're doing.

You're taking all decision-making away from your DM. All she has to do is go along with your decisions ................ which is what her life with her husband has conditioned her to do, so she's probably happy.

But things are never going to change unless you force the change and make your DM think about the choices she makes and the consequences of those choices.

It seems harsh, but your choices are to force your DM to make decisions (and tbh, you can see what those decisions are going to be) or to continue as you are, but with a greater understanding of your DM x

To be honest I would just put her in a taxi home.

Tbh OP as pp have said people only treat you how you allow them to treat you even especially your family. Just go on the new years trip with your little family and sell/waste mum's ticket. Get a cheap hotel if needed and enjoy your nice meal and friends. If sister is that precious then she can spend time with your mum. Just tell them that you assumed that if it was so important that dsis took your mum's entire house that your plans would just be getting in the way. Don't bother booking nice things again with your mum. If she challenges it be very clear why. She doesn't get a free pass with this. It's dsis that's acting like a spoiled brat but very much mum that's enabling it

Oh dear , we must be twins OP. "oh my goodness Dsis has graced us with her presence to help move house, how wonderful" ( actually did nothing except attach a trailer to a tow ball on her car and that took 2 hours with her on the phone to her DP as she and mum and dad tried to do it. ( they are in their 80's)
I had offered for my DH to do it but she got all agro about it , I can do it , Dad can do it. No No NO.

Me , can you turn up by 7am to start cleaning so it's spotless for the new owners. Me, sure, sigh.

I agree with this.

That's a horrible thing to say. The DM is being bullied by the DSIS and is a people pleaser. I'm sure she loves OP and her family very much.

Maybe your DM wants some one-on-one time with your DSIS and her grandchildren, which would be understandable. To be fair, it seems like you make plans with your DM every single weekend, which does kind of dominate her time, no? Perhaps your DSIS feels she can never see your DM without you also being there, which would indeed seem quite domineering.

Let them have their alone time sometimes, too. They have their own relationship.

Just offering an alternative opinion/narrative (i.e. "We never get to see my DM on our own, because DS [you] is constantly there, and won't let us have even one night together over Christmas/NYE".)

I’m curious,unless I’ve misunderstood, why you aren’t standing your ground with DM and telling her this isn’t acceptable as you made your plans first. Why should your sister’s comfort be above your own? My own mum used to try and do stuff like this to me and it is hurtful but maybe you need to push back and insist. It’s probably too late for this NYE but think about it for the future.

OP has said that her mum was a terrible parent to her when she was a child. She wasn't 80 then. It is her mum's fault. She may have been the victim of OP's dad but she chose to prioritise OP's older sisters and she made them into the horrible people they are today.

Stop doing so much for your mum.
Enjoy your life with 'nuclear' family.

I'd struggle to prioritise my mum if she made it this obvious I was less important to her than my sibling. Sorry but it absolutely is her doing and she reaps what she sews regardless of her age

I wouldn't bother taking your mum on holiday again. Yanbu.

YANBU but I absolutely would be taking into consideration that your mother is in her 80s so not a good time to become estranged. I would limit my involvement in her life in future, not cut it completely.

You sound like you see her almost too much at the moment so in future I would be focusing a bit more on your husband and child and doing more things just with them. If your mother says anything you can always reply that she really hurt you over this business so you’ve taken a small step backwards. Doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life or create a big drama ( which your sister would probably love). Your mother will probably shy away from an honest conversation, but that’s her choice.

Your mother takes you for granted, as your sister does so little your mother prioritises her presence.

You address this by cancelling NY. You do not take your mother to anything over new year. Not in a stroppy way but simply say now you can’t stay as planned you have changed plans for NY.

You cut back your mother’s visits to an hour a month or less, and become much less available. That way you protect yourself from being hurt repeatedly and you maximise your time and money on yourself and children.

Dont reward her for treating you badly.

She's not responding because she knows she's not acted well and you haven't let it slide, she'll have been hoping "all will be fine" like she always does.

There's also a chance your sister has made plans with your mum and your mum may cancel to be with your sister?

I'm so sorry OP, what an unpleasant marring of a lovely treat you had planned.

I think go ahead with the meal and the show, if your DM comes along then as you're in the area, I would bring her home, but don't go into the house with her as you need to go and get the keys from your friend. Definitely don't go for the NYD meal tomorrow.

Next year make one of your resolutions to pull back a bit. I wouldn't go no contact as your DM is in her 80s, but you don't need to see her every weekend- tbh don't your DH and your DCs actually want some time with just yourselves ? I would cut back to fortnightly and do just one low key holiday with her. Maybe Dsis will step up if you step back NB I highly doubt this, but you can give it as your reason.

”I don't have many years left with DM so I'm not going to let a narcissistic asshole disrupt those years because that person would love that.”

Agree with this.

I've decided to take this approach. Show, lunch, drop-off on her road. We won't be delaying in the city or looking around the shops. We won't go for lunch tomorrow or go into the house at all. If I do my dsis will want to delay us leaving and make pas-ag remarks about us going to visit friends. She will want company even though she won't be prepared to make room for us. It's hard to describe my dsis. She sees the world differently to other people.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm surprised so many people think I'm seeing DM too often. It has given me food for thought.

DM has lived on her own for years and still works. I don't like the thought of her being lonely. She is also very very close with my DC.

My third and eldest sibling lives in another part of the country.

My dsis who lives closer to me but further again from my DM does see her but it always seems to be DM driving over there to help out with stuff. I mean, that's between them and I know my opinions aren't welcome but it's nor nice to see. My DM will literally cancel her own clients or tell me to change plans as dsis needs to go shopping and she will drive over there (not an easy drive) and back to watch the kids and clean the house or whatever.

I drive over to DM with my DC probably once a fortnight to visit. If not going through the city it's easier to take the ring road so about an hour each way. Sometimes DH comes but he's often doing his hobby so it suits. Or he likes a day of peace working on the garden and not having to fight for the TV. We/I stay overnight in DM's about once every two months.

We go out for Sunday lunch local to us about once a fortnight and it's DH who always suggests inviting DM. We nearly always win the battle for the bill. She is very generous, gets on great with my DH and DC.

I'm making a resolution now this year to stop feeling resentful. I think I have contributed to this dynamic and need to focus on my own family more.