No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

“I'm surprised so many people think I'm seeing DM too often.”

I was very surprised by this too. You’re only seeing her once a week, aren’t you? (Unless I’ve misread the thread.)

Once a week doesn’t seem excessive when your mum is 82 and lives by herself.

“I'm making a resolution now this year to stop feeling resentful.”

This is the best way to approach the situation. Make the most of the time you’ve got with your mum and don’t let your sister’s behaviour affect your feelings towards your mum.

I think what you have decided sounds like an excellent plan.

I don't think you are seeing your mum excessively.

I always saw my parents once a week on a Sunday and in later years took Dad on holiday once a year, as well as trips to his local pub, runs in the car etc.

Once a week is a lot when OP has a young family who are likely to have weekend commitments and we don't know if OP works, but that can be another factor.

I would say the issue with once a week is that the OP is making a real effort to ensure her DM isn't lonely and that includes taking her on holiday as well. Possibly to the slight detriment of her own DCs as presumably what they can do on holiday is limited by having Dgran along and same for weekend trips.

All this would be kind and lovely if DM appreciated it, but it seems that due to the frequency of OPs visits, she's happy to let her down on NYE in favour of the less seen Dsis. Therefore it only seems sensible to pull back a little to give DM space for that other relationship, although I doubt Dsis will see it as that.

I have my own business so I do work yes and very hard too We go on a few holidays a year so get away on our own too. Yes we were more limited on what we could do but the flip side was that DC were absolutely thrilled to have Nanny in the room next door.

I still don't think I was seeing her excessively.

My mistake (as my friend pointed out) was that I do things that don't suit me with an expectation.

Op if you don’t think you are seeing her too much then carry on as you are.

But don’t expect her behaviour to change because it won’t - she will always choose your sister over you.

From one sibling of a favoured child to another - give up and walk away. She will NEVER change. Trust me, I've spent 40 years trying to fight it, trying to show her how she favours my sibling, trying to point out inconsistencies and trying to even the playing field but with absolutely zero success. The age you are right now, is how many years of behaviour you're attempting to change. It's impossible and you're fighting a losing battle.
Solidarity friend 🤘🏻

😲 Please tell me you pointed this out to them? I'd be telling DH to ignore the demand to put the kettle on in future and sitting straight down and looking straight at them until they got up! I'd also be looking shocked at the lack of china when the tea appeared

Your friend is really insightful. I think that's a lesson for a lot of women. Particularly us "sandwich" generation women.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE

All the excuses and background dynamics in the world don't get past this. It's a core part of politeness that you don't renege on an invitation because someone else pushes in. Your mum should have said you guys were already staying so your sister would have to come another time. She is being weak and inconsiderate.

Don't invite your sister to anything anymore. And only do what also works for you for your mum.

This might be cynical, but make sure your mum has a will and a solicitor to be executor. And talk to her about her plans for when she's less independent. If you don't, you are sleep walking into you doing all the work and your sister manipulating things to get all the money. Don't imagine that is impossible. It really isn't at all.

We were both irritated by it and DH did feel that his brother was the golden child.
After one particular incident I can confirm that he did start to push back.

However, as things do, they played out over the years. We thought that BIL got this reaction because he was the golden child but we began to see that there was a bit more at play.

BIL had moved away, worked abroad and they didn't see or hear from him for weeks and then months at a time. Then BIL got married and had kids, and him and SIL were odd about MIL and FIL seeing their children, it seemed to us that it was a bit transactional.

I think MIL had been aware of what BIL was like and how things were going, and she was upset about this and therefore tried to overcompensate when they did grace her with a visit. FIL went along with it to support her as he didn't like BIL's behaviour much.

I didn't like the apparent discrepancy but in the end I could see it was more about them trying to deal with BIL's attitude towards them, rather than an indication of how they felt about DH.

After they died, BIL seemed to have a bit of an epiphany and said he should have seen more of them and regretted that his children had hardly any memories of them. He made much more of an effort to keep in touch. But over the last couple of years he has reverted to type and we rarely hear from him.

I don't think you are seeing your mum too much. If your DM has always been a people pleaser she won't change now.

You need to tell you Dsis what a selfish cow she is for pushing you out at NYE. It's her behaviour causing the upset between you and your DM.

See your mum as much as you want... but don't make plans to go out/to events that fall apart if she bails, engineer everything so that she's an add on and makes no odds if she attends or not. If she cancels a visit to her home from you, don't bend over backwards trying to work it out or rearrange, leave all that to her and only agree if it actually fits in with your plans.

Then if she sees less of you than she really wants, well thats on her. Your plans are not wrecked, you're not making extra effort to accomodate her unreasonable behaviour.

I would be changing my behaviour in the future, no paying for holidays or going out of my way. I have found for myself that I would put myself out for my parents unlike my incredibly selfish brother, around whom the world revolves, and I was at the bottom of the priority list. I have since adjusted my behaviour and I now work on having more balanced relationships in my life.

OP, I hope today went okay and you were able to enjoy the show with or without your DM.

I would suggest you give her the opportunity to miss you by not being quite so available. You can still be a 'good" daughter but to a level where you feel you & the kids get fair treatment for the time & effort you put in.

It may feel unfair (as she runs around after your DSis like a headless chicken) but frankly you reap what you sow.

Also don't tell DSis any plans with your Mum, in advance or she'll be all over them exerting her control.

Here's to a new leaf in 2025.

“I still don't think I was seeing her excessively.”

You’re right. Once a week isn’t excessive. I used to go and see my grandparents with my mum every Sunday when they were alive and no longer in the best of health.

The questions for you to focus on are: do you love your mum and enjoy her company? Do you love your sister and enjoy her company? If you enjoy spending time with your mum but dislike your sister, then the last thing you should do is allow your sister to manipulate you and your mum into falling out with each other.

It doesn’t matter how infrequently other people choose to see their parents or how proud they are of going no contact with their parents because of resentment towards their siblings. That’s their way of dealing with sibling rivalry. You don’t have to copy them.

I would do what makes you happy, My DH has a saying that parents often over compensate for the ‘weakest link’ , he describes this in relation to one of my siblings who sounds a bit like your DSIS. We also suspect that DSIS has ADHD, have a look and see if it fits the behaviour of your DSIS. My DF also thinks this. It has made it easier for me to accept some of the differences made.

Hi All,

Happy New Year.

I had a lovely day and evening. The show was brilliant and so was the lunch. My DM mentioned dsis and the two kids (both under ten) insisted on a double room each so she made up the office for them along with the two double rooms. This reluctance to do this was one of the reasons she couldn't have us stay apparently. She also said the kids had been staying up till midnight every night.

We drove her home but collected the key along the way. On the way she said so I guess you will be over tomorrow and I said no. She pressed me and I said no again, we have plans. Then we dropped her home and she said are you not coming in to say hello. I said no pretty firmly, our friends have invited us over and I don't want to be late. She was clearly annoyed.

She got out of the car and then said in a really disapproving tone "so you're going out? Your daughter is tired, she looks ready to go to sleep." It' was not even 7pm, we were visiting friends with same age kids. It is no problem for my dsis to keep her kids up to midnight every night. I was totally baffled as to why she thought we had travelled to that side of the city, organised accommodation and wouldn't be doing anything or meeting anyone.

We had a lovely couple of hours in our friends' house and came back.

My DH said quite sincerely at least we know where we stand. It sounds melodramatic but I really feel that way and don't think I'll be making plans for them or putting myself out much this year.

Happy New Year OP! I'm glad you stood firm with your Mum when she invited you in. Seems it's definitely one rule for your sister and her family, with totally different standards for you. I think you'd do well to stick to your plan of not putting yourself out so much this year.

Ive had an epiphany this last year. Apart from a few details, I could have written your OP and subsequent posts myself about my M and sister. Even me taking her on holiday which my sister wouldn't DREAM of.

So I have stepped right back and oh, the relief. Let sister do the work if she wants to, focus on your H and children.

You M wants to kowtow to her and her kids - crack on. She has only herself to blame.

So pleased you managed to have a good day OP. I can't believe how much your Mum is willing to pander to your sister. Rubbish. Also can't believe she is cross with you for not pandering! Hope you can have a better 2025 as regards suiting yourself more. Make sure plans are incorporating things you would enjoy. Have a great year! P.s. so nice of your friend to rescue the NYE plan. Xxx

Happy New Year!

I'm glad you had a lovely day, sounds excellent!

Stand firm going forward!

Pleased to hear you salvaged a good day from the awkward situation.

Interesting though, that the person you describe as a massive people pleaser has no issue showing you she's annoyed &.dishing out parental advice.

Maybe you should take a leaf from DSis book and be an awkward demanding pain in the arse in 2025? Seems to yield better results!

Please tell me more

Well done, OP.
As your DH says, you know where you stand. This really clarifies things, unpleasant as it is. I had a different but equally clarifying situation with some of my ILs and have found it liberating.

Good for you OP. Be very clear with your mum that things are going to change from now on.

My nan - who was lovely - was quite similar with my mum, who did the most for her as she aged. My auntie barely lifted a finger to do a thing for her, yet the sun shone out of auntie's arse. My grandad could see it when he was alive. He had a lot of trust in my mum, but whilst he obviously loved auntie, he didn't trust her as far as he could throw her (especially where money was involved).