No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

This is my situation exactly with my Mum. I do 90% of everything that needs to be done for her. When its just me and her, I am the favoured one but as soon as one or both of my siblings appear, any prior arrangements with me get cancelled for their benefit and its very clear I move straight to the back of the pecking order - Its really hurtful. And when I say something I get accused of being childish, causing a scene or spoiling stuff for them.

💐 time to start living your own life. You don’t need to visit every weekend for a start. Prioritise your own family and your self. No one else will

I'm sorry, OP.
Personally, I'd disinvite her from the whole outing this time, telling her that she clearly wants to spend time with your sister as she's booted you from the weekend plans, as usual, so you'll see her some other time.

And I wouldn't be easily available in the near future.

You’ve been treated horribly here, but honestly, I wouldn’t fall out with my elderly Mum at this point, or have her getting the bus alone. You just never know what’s around the corner, especially with her advancing years, and you will have regrets if something where to happen and you had fallen out. Can you set off earlier and collect the keys, take your Mum to the show and lunch, drop her off, then go to your friends? Do your own thing New Year’s Day. It’s a pain and unfair I know, and you shouldn’t have to, but life is too short for fall outs with your Mum at her time in life, and it’s not going to make you feel any better in the long run.

You say your DC and your mom get on very well then let your DC and your mom natter at lunch and you take a backseat. I'd personally try and continue with the lunch and the show. If driving your mom home is going to be a problem could you put her in a taxi? I know the costs would be horrendous and perhaps quite difficult to get one on New Years Eve or perhaps your sister could come and fetch her as she's wrecked plans.

I wouldn't fall out with your mom at this stage of her life especially as she has a wonderful relationship with your DC but I would start to slowly ease back on all the nice things you do for her. Don't do it straight away, just slowly cut back

I could honestly have written this post, have had multiple similar situations with my Mum. I’m actually replying from a travel lodge booked in a mad panic a few weeks before Christmas last year (and moved to this year due to sickness) after my mum announced my sister had decided to visit at the same time so there was no room for us!!

I don’t know how to fix the hurt of feeling rejected but I do know that calling the bad behaviour out and setting boundaries helps. You can never change them but you can change what you put up with. For example we no longer make plans to stay at my mums and we don’t dance to the tune of my demanding sister and mum whilst we’re staying in a hotel nearby!!

I'd say something like this too. OP, you're a good person and a good daughter. Don't let this dynamic and situation change that. Your mum is in the wrong but she is in her 80s. She won't change. As obnoxious as your sis is, your mother still loves her and placates her. It's wrong, and to cancel and pick DS over you is out of order.

So canceling makes that clear, but also saying you'll see her in the NY means you're not holding a grudge or being nasty. You're just not going to put yourself out when it isn't appreciated. I hope you have a fab time at the panto with your DH and DCs.

Haven't read every reply but it sounds like your sisters reaction to not being able to stay would have been volatile or difficult to manage so your mum has taken the easier route and hurt your feelings because you won't react like that and to her, it's the easier option. It's mind boggling she can do that when you had firm plans and that your sister can walk over people, sorry you're in that situation but don't let them thinking you're over reacting be your guide. You aren't. They will conjure whatever view of your reaction that assuages their guilt if they feel any.

Sorry, sounds like she does not love you. Drop it, never works. Just forget about trying to win her love.

"I'm a bit stuck on what to do here. I don't think I can justify sending her home on the bus but also don't want the hassle."
Then send her home in a taxi. You need to get to your friend' house, pick up keys, so aren't able to drive her home, come in to talk etc. Taxi. Perfect for this occasion.

"This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us."
Frankly, you're spending far too much time with her. You are spending EVERY WEEKEND with her. And that's why she doesn't value you. You have a husband, you have children - do you not think you should be spending time as your own family, without your mum? I do!

I know you'll be saying stuff like 'but my children love her!'. They probably do, children can be very loving. But do you want them to cotton on that their gran will shove them aside for their cousins just as soon as Auntie Bully tells her to? That for Wet Lettuce Grannie, they will always be second best? Do you want them to clock how she treats you? Because they will (if they haven't already). Do not model this behaviour to them. Do not teach them that you can be treated like this, because it teaches them to accept being treated that way too.

Get some distance between yourself and your mother. Nothing you do will change her into the mother you deserve - nothing. Not the holidays, not the supplication of giving her every weekend - nothing. Stop punishing yourself, and protect your children from your birth family's fucked-up dynamics.

Don’t let your toxic sister make you fall out with your 82yo mum.

It’s your selfish and unreasonable sister who’s to blame here.

It sounds like your mum is scared of her. Not that she prefers her to you.

I have a similar familial dynamic. DM puts up with all sorts of disrespectful treatment from Dsis because she says she’s worried if she calls her out on it, Dsis won’t bother with her. So, DM enables Dsis’s unacceptable behaviour to herself and the rest of us for fear Dsis will withdraw her affection.

Toxic. But I’ve accepted it now. Not my problem if they have that kind of relationship. F all I can do about it.

My advice is see your mum, have a lovely time, drop her at door, then drive on to stay at your mate’s house and send your Dsis a message saying it’s a shame she couldn’t make the lunch and that you couldn’t all get together at DM’s, but DM said there was no room for you all to stay. I say this because sometimes it’s my DM telling me I shouldn’t come when my Dsis wouldn’t mind at all. DM so avoids conflict, she anticipates problems that aren’t there rather than asking.

A different situation but I had this with a chap I was dating. A total people pleaser except the only person he didn't mind letting down was me. Precisely because I was flexible, understanding, thoughtful etc I regularly got relegated when one of the many people who used him, made demands on him. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. To me, people pleaser often equals spineless. I have a low tolerance of cowards who won't stand up for themselves, for other people or for what's the right thing to do.

Just go to the show. Maybe your mum will turn up, maybe not. Enjoy it with your family.

All of this!

I’d breeze it out for the show and lunch ( I thought this was in a restaurant? Not at your mothers house,) On the way back be very enthusiastic about friends you’re spending New Year’s day with. Say goodbye cheerfully but be vague about when you’ll see her next. Your sister has obviously done this to piss you off so make sure she hears the opposite, what a great time you had and the house you stayed in was spacious/wonderful. Mean people hate happiness in others.

Life is short. Since you have an easy solution and it sounds like you do enjoy your Mums company, don’t make her get a bus home. Drive back to your friends, drop DH and DC off, then drop DM home at the door. Let her know in private that this really hurt you, because transparency is important. You can then decide how you feel about popping on in NYD xx

perfect!

This 👆

This is really hurtful.

You are tying yourself in knots figuring out how to appease your mother so that your mother can appease your bullying sister. Your desperation to dance to your mother’s tune risks causing a lot of inconvenience to the friends helping you out, as well as your husband and DC.

I would tell your mother that her refusal to allow you to stay has resulted in a huge change of plans , so you’ll no longer be able to take her out at all but will see her in the new year.

You also need to become less available. I wouldn’t be including her in future holiday plans, because you can’t rely on her to stick to them given that she drops you like a hot potato once sister starts giving orders.

Good luck! Hoping for a no show for you

Yes, it is this - your Mum probably feels as if she is being fair because you see her all the time, so this is your sister's "turn". It sounds like you spent a lot of Christmas with her, so it would be hard to argue why your sister should not get NYE, especially if she is generally less available.

You see it as having a closer relationship with your Mum - earned by being more reliable and present - so deserving to take priority, whereas I suspect your Mum sees it instead as a rare chance to spend time with your sister to try to prevent her feeling left out and try to build a closer relationship as she enjoys having with you.

You have your answer from your mother. Now stop being a dog’s body for her. Go and enjoy your own life with your own family.

OP I was going to say I think you really need to have a heart to heart with your Mum post NY. However, reading further it sounds like you've done that before and I get your Mum is being bulldozed. It sounds more like this is a a DSis issue? She doesn't sound an easy character but how do you get on? Have you explained your feelings to her and that things like this aren't fair?

Your mum is likely doing the best she can to keep the family peace whilst also treading on eggshells with your sister. I’m in a similar situation with my family and considered going no contact with my sister but the only person who would suffer is my mum. Just keep doing what you’re doing being a great daughter.