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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No room at the inn...

196 replies

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 19:33

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

OP posts:
Twinklybeam · 30/12/2024 20:09

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 20:03

Sorry my OP wasn't clear. This is what was proposed DM is happy to get herself to and from the show.

I messaged afterwards and said "hi, we don't want to do another roundtrip two days in a row so don't include us for plans on new year's day. Thanks. " She read it but didn't reply.

I know DM and dsis will be rolling their eyes and accusing me of sulking or being dramatic.

I am still going to the show and lunch in the city. My DC are very excited about it.

Show quote history

Your Mum probably thinks that as she’s seeing you on New Years Eve, she can see your sister on New Years Day and have covered both bases, so to speak. She is being unfair to you because your arrangement was made first- so it should have been stuck to, but I think I can see how she’s reached the conclusion she has.

FloralCrown · 30/12/2024 20:10

Well, you know where you stand, if you didn't already.

Pull right back, you don't need to announce it, just don't invite her on holidays/outings in future and visit her less.

Her desire to see you will probably increase then, but either way you deserve some space and to prioritise yourself for a while if she's going to treat you so poorly.

RegulatorsMountUp · 30/12/2024 20:11

RomeoMcFlourish · 30/12/2024 19:46

I’d sack off taking my mum anywhere if she did that to me.

First Post nails it as usual! You are WAY too good to your mum OP.

Suzuki76 · 30/12/2024 20:11

Wow.
That would have got a "sod the lot of you" from me, a hangup, and no contact for at least January. She's rescinded the invitation.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 20:13

"Oh sorry mum, I know you were supposed to come to the show but someone else has asked if they can come so there's no longer room for you."

RunoroundTheChristmasTree · 30/12/2024 20:14

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 20:13

"Oh sorry mum, I know you were supposed to come to the show but someone else has asked if they can come so there's no longer room for you."

This!

AlphaApple · 30/12/2024 20:14

Do you pay for your DM's meal and holidays? I'd stop all that from now on. How hurtful.

mcmooberry · 30/12/2024 20:15

Totally 100% behind you with this, awful when parents pander to difficult uncompromising offspring like your Dsis. Would step back from including her in so much if this is how she behaves, I can't tell you how pissed off I would be, your text would seem mild in comparison.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 20:17

"Keeping the peace" means putting your sisters needs before yours.

Remember that next time you think about inviting your mum on holiday.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2024 20:21

What sort of mother accepts an invitation and makes arrangements and then changes them because another daughter wants to do something

Probably the sort who assumes OP will always be there to provide the treats, but knows the DSis won't and is desperate to keep her in the fold somehow

Trouble is that comes with a price when folk like OP wise up, but it's a price mum will have brought on herself so let's hope she doesn't mind paying it

Cheesyfootballs01 · 30/12/2024 20:23

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 20:03

Sorry my OP wasn't clear. This is what was proposed DM is happy to get herself to and from the show.

I messaged afterwards and said "hi, we don't want to do another roundtrip two days in a row so don't include us for plans on new year's day. Thanks. " She read it but didn't reply.

I know DM and dsis will be rolling their eyes and accusing me of sulking or being dramatic.

I am still going to the show and lunch in the city. My DC are very excited about it.

Show quote history

Sorry to read your update OP but I think you have made the right choice.

I think it’s pretty bad of your mum to do that to you and if I’m honest, I would be pulling back this year on the holidays and seeing her every other weekend.

Hercisback1 · 30/12/2024 20:24

I think you need to stick by not going NYD too. Don't get bogged down and decide to be nice and go.

Gradually step away, stop inviting your mum to stuff.

I agree 100% with not arranging stuff around your sister. Sod her.

Original poster
Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 20:24

AlphaApple · 30/12/2024 20:14

Do you pay for your DM's meal and holidays? I'd stop all that from now on. How hurtful.

No. DM is very generous to us all and it's always a battle to pay. We insist and win at least two thirds of the time. She's definitely not using us.

There is an update. I messaged my friend to tell her we wouldn't be local to see her. She was disappointed but then a solution was found; other mutual friends are away and offered for us to stay in theirs. So we are going to friends' house with DC for a couple of hours in the evening to have a glass of bubbles etc.

It means we can easily drive DM home as we will be close but I do not want to go for lunch the following day and I know that will be awkward and look like I'm being spiteful. I also don't want the drama of going to her house and not going in; my DC will want to see her cousins but that will make us very late to friends.

I'm a bit stuck on what to do here. I don't think I can justify sending her home on the bus but also don't want the hassle.

OP posts:
MrsTigerface · 30/12/2024 20:25

BigFatLiar · 30/12/2024 20:08

I think this is fairly common. DSIS doesn't visit much so when she invites herself your mum goes out of the way to make her welcome. You she sees regularly so doesn't feel she needs to make the effort.

I think this is spot on. She’s the prodigal, isn’t she?

AndrinaAdamosballetshoes · 30/12/2024 20:26

Familiarity breads contempt is a very fitting phrase for your situation OP.

suburburban · 30/12/2024 20:27

Tricho · 30/12/2024 20:01

I'm afraid I'd be cancelling lunch and show - or her parts of it at least

DSis is so wonderful then let then get on with it for the whole day !

So would I, just go with your own family and let them get on with it

Don't take her on holiday again

EdithStourton · 30/12/2024 20:32

I don't think I can justify sending her home on the bus but also don't want the hassle.
Oh, you can.
She has treated you terribly. Explain how it will be awkward dropping her off etc since you're not staying, as you need to get where you are going.

With some people, keeping the peace is just not worth it. I tried for years with some of my ILs and life is so much simpler now that I've thought, 'Ah, fuck em!')

Trallers · 30/12/2024 20:32

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 20:24

No. DM is very generous to us all and it's always a battle to pay. We insist and win at least two thirds of the time. She's definitely not using us.

There is an update. I messaged my friend to tell her we wouldn't be local to see her. She was disappointed but then a solution was found; other mutual friends are away and offered for us to stay in theirs. So we are going to friends' house with DC for a couple of hours in the evening to have a glass of bubbles etc.

It means we can easily drive DM home as we will be close but I do not want to go for lunch the following day and I know that will be awkward and look like I'm being spiteful. I also don't want the drama of going to her house and not going in; my DC will want to see her cousins but that will make us very late to friends.

I'm a bit stuck on what to do here. I don't think I can justify sending her home on the bus but also don't want the hassle.

Show quote history

If it's close to drop her home then DH and kids stay in town and go for a hot chocolate somewhere while you whizz your mum home.

Pancakeorcrepe · 30/12/2024 20:35

OP don’t backtrack now! She made her bed, she can lie in it. She can easily take the bus home. Let her have a little taste of real life without a lovely daughter running her around everywhere.
You can see your friends another time. Stick to your ground!

Mrswhatsit40 · 30/12/2024 20:37

RomeoMcFlourish · 30/12/2024 19:46

I’d sack off taking my mum anywhere if she did that to me.

This.

Stop running round in circles after a DM who actively puts you last and doesn’t even seemed ashamed of it. What a bitch.

Peachy2005 · 30/12/2024 20:40

Don’t drive her home as you said this will potentially make you arrive very late to the friend who is actually putting herself out to have you over. Don’t treat your friend that way.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/12/2024 20:44

Why can't you justify it?

How was she planning on getting home before you found somewhere else to stay?

Brefugee · 30/12/2024 20:45

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 30/12/2024 20:24

No. DM is very generous to us all and it's always a battle to pay. We insist and win at least two thirds of the time. She's definitely not using us.

There is an update. I messaged my friend to tell her we wouldn't be local to see her. She was disappointed but then a solution was found; other mutual friends are away and offered for us to stay in theirs. So we are going to friends' house with DC for a couple of hours in the evening to have a glass of bubbles etc.

It means we can easily drive DM home as we will be close but I do not want to go for lunch the following day and I know that will be awkward and look like I'm being spiteful. I also don't want the drama of going to her house and not going in; my DC will want to see her cousins but that will make us very late to friends.

I'm a bit stuck on what to do here. I don't think I can justify sending her home on the bus but also don't want the hassle.

Show quote history

send her home on the bus. No need to tell her you will be in the area, just visit your friends.

Bonus points if your sister sees it on your instagram story and gets in a snit

Suzuki76 · 30/12/2024 20:47

Don't drive her. You don't need to tell her you're going to friend's house. Why should you? Cow.

Createausername1970 · 30/12/2024 20:48

There is truth in this. DH and I saw his parents very regularly. When we turned up, neither MIL nor FIL would move an inch and FIL would say "put the kettle on and make us all a cup of tea" so DH would make us all a cup of tea.

I was there one day when BIL and his wife turned up - a rare event. MIL was out of her chair like a rat up a drainpipe, best china appeared, doylies, cake, the works.

Familiarity breeds contempt is an old saying.

OP, distance yourself a bit. Not saying NC or LC, but just don't put yourself out so much.