No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

So your sister wants all the spare rooms & your Mum said Ok.

Bloody hell.

Could your mum have slept in the office for once to accommodate you?

If so, not sure I could accommodate her in my car!

Yes very good point! We will also have to pick up the key to the empty friend's house from their neighbours - they organised this for us from their holiday. I think we will go straight from the lunch to get the key with my mum in the car then drop her at the top of her road on the way to friends' house.

Honestly though, my mum is 82 and I'd rather she didn't walk uphill from the bus stop to her house so I will feel better about this. Also the city has become rough in recent years and I would be worrying if she was standing at a bus stop alone in the evening.

My friend was really nice and supportive. She feels in her family that she is always last on the list of even on the list and that I get the same attitude in mine. She cautioned me against always trying to do things with an expectation that it will change the dynamic.

Listen to your friend. Let your mum walk up the hill

presumably your mum doesn't know about your DF offering for you to stay at theirs? So she assumes that you'll be going back to yours after the meal in the city? If so no need to make a big drama out of not giving her a lift back as she won't be assuming you'll be going anywhere near hers, and you've got no obligation to tell her.

For all she knows she ruined your plans to see your friends so will probably be feeling too guilty/awkward to ask what your new plans are for NYE, so no need for you to volunteer the information. Let her get the bus back. If she does find out you'll be staying with her, just say you're going to stay in town for a while shopping/looking at lights/whatever. Or that you don't know exactly where friends!house is, or that it's not close to hers. Or that friends!neighbour is letting you in so you need to be there by a certain time.

Then maybe make a NY resolution to treat people how they treat you - no need to feel guilty by cutting DM out of your life or being actively cruel to her - but just treat her the way she treats you - nice to see her if it's easy and she's got no better options, but not someone to prioritise or go out of your way for.

yep

your mum clearly wasn't bothered about walking back up the hill or waiting for a bus (after lunch so not even as if it will be dark/late!) when she cancelled you staying in favour of your sister though! she knew that would mean she'd have to get home alone and still did it, so it's not your problem to solve.

don't let her pay for lunch and she can pay for a taxi home instead if you're that worried. It will probably still be cheaper than lunch for 3 adults and however many DC.

Your sister sounds like a total pain in the arse.

In future, I’d try to make sure that arrangements you make with your mum are not subject to your sister’s hijacking or stampy tantrums - ie don’t make them in NYE etc.

Don't tell her you're staying nearby. She can get herself there and back. You just go to your friends as planned. No need to give her a lift etc and change plans again.

I'm making my mum sound like a bully when in fact she is a total people pleaser. My father bullied her and I've seen my sister bully her too for years.

My DM hates fighting and I know tells me to just get on with things. My sister tantrums and DM falls into line. This is her way to a more peaceful life which is her main aim. I've tried to explain to her in the past how it makes me feel like I don't matter but she brushes my feelings aside.

If I said to her "I'm hurt that I've been dismissed instead of dsis being told to be reasonable about the beds" DM would be more likely to fork out an absolute fortune for a hotel nearby than suggest to dsis she makes space.

I guarantee that DM timidly said we were planning on staying and dsis said with contempt that there was no room as they were settled in the rooms and that would have been that.

If DM thinks she's putting us out she will insist she wants to walk up the hill from the bus stop even if it's painful for her. She will tell me I'm being silly about the bus stop in the city being unsafe but actually it could be. It's gotten unpleasant recently.

I really am dreading the awkwardness now of tomorrow and want to send a message to DM saying "I'm cancelling tomorrow,'s plans, not looking for a fuss about this, just want some space."

Your whole post reads like you've got a DSis problem but to me it looks like you've got a DM problem. Seems like you go out of your way to spend a lot of time with her. I don't think I know any adults who live this far away from their parents and see them this often (do you just really enjoy her company or do you feel obligated?). But she will drop you like a hot brick as soon as DSis professes a need or preference. Has it always been like this? Why do you go to such pains to keep making fun, nice arrangements for them when they don't pay you the courtesy or respect of reciprocating. What would happen if you stopped and just focused on your nuclear family and friends?

Your mum is a people pleaser for anyone but you. I'd tell them all to get fucked and enjoy your time without them and pull completely back

This is (and has been I'd wager) incredibly bad parenting.
The only way to really change this is to push back, not just gently try to explain how you feel nd stop because it's upsetting her. You don't have to be bullied by proxy to keep your mum happy. But I don't think I'd bother.

She's not a people-pleaser, she's a wet lettuce.

Your poor Mother is being bullied by your sister.

She knows it and so do you.

So she's a victim of your Dad and sister and expects you to join her. That's really tough. If she was young you might just toughen up your own boundaries but who wants to inconvenience an octogenarian? Especially when she's not being awful to you of her own volition, it is almost unwitting on her part - she won't stand up to the bullies because she doesn't have the skills.
Do you stay at your mums mainly to see her, or is it about seeing friends in the area? Either way I'd step back a bit. If Mum invites you say "best not to make plans given that last time the invitation was rescinded" - let her know it didn't go unnoticed. Good luck!

@Suzuki76 yes I think she was a terrible parent to me. I think she was different with my two older siblings. My father's treatment of her overwhelmed her and I think she just couldn't be bothered. I don't blame her or feel anger towards her but I don't deny it to myself.

Your mum can get a taxi. Or your sister can pick her up!

Thank you, you have nailed it. I stay with her to see her but often catch up with a friend while I'm in the area depending on who is around. Not everytime . My DC is absolutely mad about my DM and it's fully reciprocated.

Good grief op, stop pandering to people who treat you like shit, over time it will eat away at your self esteem (sounds like it already is). You need to take a massive step back from your mum and your sis - both, in their own ways, are very damaging to you.

Let them roll their eyes and be dicks. You have 2 choices, roll over and continue to allow this whilst feeling more hideous inside or put some kind boundaries in place.

Because your mum isn't used to this she will react like a child at first. Passive aggressive nonsense,not answering texts etc. If you persist in being the only adult here ( kind boundarirs, accept the disappointment and no more people pleasing) then over time I believe your mother will learn that she will have to adapt her ways or potentially lose this very decent daughter in her life.

You are not the baby here, your family are the children. But you have got to teach them how to treat you or they can piss off.

Very difficult to accept and do all this I know.

Are you prepared to take a step back from all of them, especially DM? I'd potbelly carryon with DM, but make it clear that you're really disappointed and you're not going to expose yourself to being treated like that again.

I really feel for you.

I'd suck it up for NYE

And make a firm NY resolution to step back. I'd continue to welcome her at my house, but would cut back visits to hers sharply - special occasions only plus maybe a couple of other random times.

They'll get used to it. If challenged; grey rock "that amount of travel doesn't work for us right now" (with no further elaboration or explanation, regardless of what they ask or insinuate)

Yes I am. What do you think I should do tomorrow? I am really dreading the awkwardness of having to see my DM at all.

I don't want to go to the lunch in the city and I would prefer she didn't come to the panto. Now we have the extra task of going to collect a key I feel pressurised about time as we may be hanging about.

But mainly I just don't want to see her and pretend everything is ok. I'm really upset.

@Tittat50 would also be keen to hear suggestions about putting boundaries in place.

I would say that your sister is bullying your mother. Your mother is "scared" not to do as your sister wants. Maybe dropping your mother for a while will bring more value to your relationship in her eyes.

I'd struggle to upset my mum in her 80s. This isn't her fault. She's as much a victim as you are.

I'd just tell her that she can carryon with your sister and that you'll catch up with her in the NY. She had no qualms prioritising your sis over you, even though your plans were already confirmed with her.

Obviously, you must do what seems right for you.