No room at the inn...

[Iwishmymumwouldbemymum]

I need to get this out. I've my hard hat on as I think I'm probably being a baby.

Background - I've always felt in my family expectations of me are much much higher than my siblings. It's a strange dynamic where it seems to be assumed that life is really easy for me so I should put up with crap treatment from my siblings but behave really well towards them.

My dad was not around much past teens and is now dead. DM always seems to go with the easiest option which is to tell me not to make a fuss - my dsis in particular is very high maintenance, gets stressed and very selfish. She is a bully, similar to how our father was. My mother complains but always panders to her.

I always feel I do the most for everyone (in fact I do, no doubt about it) and am taken for granted.

This year DH and I took my DM away on hols twice. We have done this several times and she enjoys it I think. Siblings don't do this ever. We also take her out with us every second weekend and go to visit her the other. So I do think she likes being with us.

For NYE I booked a show and a really fancy restaurant for a late lunch in the city with DM, DC and DH. The plan was we would then drive to DM's and stay there that night and the following day. I have friends living around there so also planned to pop out either that evening or the following morning for a mini NY get together then have lunch in DM's.

The city is halfway to DM's. City is 1 hour drive, another 30 to DM.

Yesterday DM phoned me. She said dsis has decided she wants to stay in her house to have a break for a few nights so we could no longer stay NYE but could still come for lunch the next day. Dsis lives near us. I suggested we all squeeze in; me DH in one bed with DC on floor in same room. DM shook her head and said no, dsis won't want to share with one of her own DC and she won't want them on the pullout couch in the office room either, she wants to take both the spare bedrooms upstairs. The office wouldn't have space for me and my lot. It was clear there was interest in figuring out a solution for all of us to stay.

I know my face must have looked hurt as she looked a little uncomfortable. I said "so you're saying we should drive back and forth on both days and after our lovely day in the city we aren't invited?" DM shrugged and said there was no need to drive out again as she was letting me know I was invited but no need to come out for lunch.

Not sure if it's relevant but dsis has been invited and preferences accommodated for several occasions over the last ten days with us and after a vague "yeah sounds nice, I'll let you know" not shown up or cancelled. She did the same for the Nye lunch in the city and I ended up having to book somewhere else so I wouldn't be charged for her family and could not modify the booking. I only know she's not coming based on what DM said.

DH finds dsis insufferable with her inability to make an arrangement and thinks i should stop trying to plan around her.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Yabu - stop being a baby. It's DM's house not yours and she doesn't owe you accommodation
Yanbu - sounds hurtful, take a step back from them all and focus on your own family

Honestly, I’d say something like “Mum - all plans were predicated on our staying with you. If we can’t, we need to change plans - we will see you in the new year instead.” And just leave it at that - give yourself some time to calm down and for her to reflect on things and how she’s behaved.

Definitely do not drive her, let her get the bus!
She's been really nasty to you and your family.
Personally, I would uninvite her to the show and meal if it were me. I'd be too angry with her to play happy families.

Me too

I'd tell her, to her face and back it up in writing if necessary...

It upsets you massively, really hurts you, when she drops you like a hot potato for someone else (irrelevant who the someone else actually is) and if she won't stop behaving that way, then in order to protect yourself you will be taking a step back from your relationship with her.

You can't force other people to behave differently, so if their behaviour hurts you, you have to do whatever is necessary to manage that.

Being a victim is not an excuse to victimise someone else.

OP - I would definitely cancel the meet up tomorrow. Your dm cancelled your original plans. The change of plans she is suggesting doesn't suit you.

I think I'd go with something along these lines too. Nothing overly dramatic, just clear and to the point. She was quite happy to absolutely fuck you over without hesitation, don't put yourself out or ruin your day with awkwardness. Take the kids to the panto, enjoy seeing your friend and take a much more pared back approach in the New Year. Best of luck to you. I'm very much the "second place" child -not quite to the extent you are, but definitely always behind my sibling and their family in terms of arrangements, days out etc. I've just learned to accept it for what it is and as soon as I did that and stopped making too much effort it became a whole lot easier.

Agree with the other messages OP - you can’t control what she does but you can control how you react to it. And if seeing her will cause you stress, put yourself first for once and cancel. She’s an adult and needs to sort herself out.

I've realised she hasn't actually acknowledged my last message which is unusual and she hasn't checked details of where to meet or anything tomorrow for the show.

It's all a bit strange.

I'm half expecting a no-show or an excuse tomorrow now.

OP, do the show and drive your mum home. Don't go in for lunch.
I'd say ' thanks for the invite but I'm so exhausted we just want to get back and rest, thankyou though mum'. Don't budge or change your mind or say sorry. Stick to it - that's the first example of having a boundary for yourself.

This is not going to be the time for any discussions or trying to talk to her. I would wear a painted smile for the kids, get through this, be decent and then after this things must change via your actions.

I would pull right back on taking your mum places, I would become significantly less available to her and would make absolutely no plans at all with the sister also involved. I'd personally struggle to even want to visit her at all after this crap.

I think she enjoys your company and needs you on some level so pulling right back and being less helpful, accomodating and pleasing will be noticed by her.

Boundary simply means thinking through those things that you're really uncomfortable with and kindly and maturely showing that or just not allowing it through your actions.

I would personally never let her pay for things now you see what she's like. It's often used as power and control, put a stop to it. Only do things that work for you without bending over backward. I would not be booking or buying anything at all like this show ever again unless there was some behaviour change. I could not comfortably do these weekends away or visits so regularly. I'd struggle at all after this. Scale back significantly.

If you do less, become less available,do less to accommodate her and just communicate less, she will notice. If she throws a tantrum let her. Just make excuses kindly for being busy. If she ever asks or confronts you, then you say with absolute honesty without aggression ' I have found a few things very difficult and upsetting recently. The time I booked the show tickets and you said x,y,z was so hurtful that I sometimes actually question how much you even like me'.

And then go from there.

This probably feels so alien to you. The fact you think you're the baby here tells me you are only now beginning to see there really is a problem here and it will take time to build confidence that you are not the problem. Your family is dysfunctional and it's difficult to understand what's wrong and what's not ok when you grow up in one.

Your mum is a people pleaser for anyone but you.

This

Oh well, that's pretty much sorted itself out then. Message her in the AM and confirm she isn't coming (not as a question, as a tell) as you've made other arrangements. You don't need to tell her the ins and outs.

Just be prepared then in case she doesn't turn up. Your response is to not communicate or even acknowledge it if she doesn't turn up. Just don't even contact her. Tell the kids oh not sure what happened to granny, she must be poorly '. And just enjoy it.

If you have to collect her though then you need clarity - I would say ' hi mum, can you confirm that you are coming and still need picking up?'. No reply means she isn't coming and you aren't picking her up. And I would be making no contact after that , that is for sure.

She's a 5 year old OP I'm sorry to say.

Is your Sister happily in a relationship? My first thought was there might be something going on.

My sister is in what can only be described as an abusive relationship; she is abusing him.

Your mum is not innocent in this though OP. The dynamic is very similar to my own; the way my brother is and my own mum.

Unfortunately it seems you've done so much for your Mum because you love her, and she is taking it for granted. SO, SO, sad when parents do this! It makes me really angry on your behalf, and if she fails to show tomorrow, then I would probably want to cut contact with her completely for a couple of months. Although at this age you're really between a rock and a hard place, because if anything were to happen to her during that time, you'd never forgive yourself if you did that. I definitely don't envy the position you've managed to get yourself into OP, and when the time comes that your DM is no longer around, I'd be having no contact whatsoever with your sister, who is obviously a selfish bitch!

She's not answered so I'd see if you can return her ticket to the show and get your money back.
Stop spending every weekend with this woman. Even if she hadn't been so awful, surely it's ok to have a weekend without you all going to see her? And holidays as well, if she wants these things to happen, let her be the one to ask about it and look at organising things. No doubt she's telling your sister how she can't say no to you and doesn't want to be rude, same as apparently she can't say no to your sister.

It all sounds unhealthy so go and enjoy some time with your husband and kids instead of teaching your kids that it's ok to be treated like crap.

I feel so hurt and don't even want to do the show and lunch (but I will!)

Genuinely - why?

Its sounds like your DSIS is the favoured or golden child in the family and like me in my birth family you are only welcome to the crumbs at your mums table providing your DSIS is agreeable and hasn’t put the boot in or has a need or want that would automatically trump your plans, wants or needs.

My DM is a similar age to yours OP. I haven’t cut the cord completely but I have seriously cut back on my visits and phone calls. No doubt I will be slagged off for this. I tried to forge a relationship with my DM and enjoyed spending time with her but was often made to feel like she was doing me a favour by coming out with me.

I also wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of knowing you are annoyed, upset or have been inconvenienced. They know this already and don’t care about you or your feelings so don’t give them the satisfaction step back quietly you know the truth and have nothing to prove. Take care x

I’d send a message saying that the change of plans has taken the sheen off the day and that you’ve decided just to take the kids to the panto . As DM will be busy with DSis , it would be better to catch up in the New Year when things are less busy.

Because her children are looking forward to it.

I read this and thought OMG how hurtful, I'm so sorry you've be treated so despicably.
I understand your mum feels under pressure from your sister, but honestly she needs to stand up to her.

This, OP.
Let them have a jolly time together.

This year seems to be the year for family members to behave appallingly, but what is to be done?

Well, there is one thing we can all do. Maybe make better priorities next year?

V similar setup to me. Dad died when I was young. Much older sibling blamed our mother for his death, treated her badly including tantrums if she didn’t get her own way and mum has spent the last three decades trying to appease her, often at my expense. Sibling didn’t spend Christmas with her for over twenty years (I would travel down every other year for the Holiday), didn’t see her at all for a couple of years as she ‘couldn’t travel’ (yet managed to get to America ok) and basically treated her badly. In the rare times we spent time together sibling’s wants very much over-rode my needs and I was expected to just deal with it, even being told I hadn’t been upset when I had quite clearly been crying.

The last time I really chose to stay with my mother my sister took over the week entirely. I cured myself to sleep every night and sobbed in front of her three times (won’t go into the reasons but I certainly had some). I said I was going to all sibling not to come over on the last day to give myself something to look forward to before leaving (said this whilst crying) and my mother said I couldn’t as it ‘might upset sibling’. The fact I was very clearly unhappy was of no consequence.

I really wish I’d left that next day. Instead I hung in but that was the end of our relationship. Feel free to use me as an example to your mother. One can be passed aside only so much until it becomes too much, and then one has to protect oneself. Try not to get to that point.