Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

Having your friendships controlled and not being able to have an equal amount of time out for your own activities are both very bad things

I don't think this is a minor issue.

This We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house is not good at all.

Doesn’t sound like a minor issue but it should be quite easy for you to point out the disparity between your social lives.
If you can’t have an adult conversation without her kicking off then it is a communication issue that needs addressing. Does she get her own way in other situations by behaving like that?

I really wouldn't put up with this nonsense from her it's not fair on you.

Read back your own post.
This isn't right and you know it.

I don't know if this is something that can be fixed. You're a maid, not a partner and change would not be forthcoming.

Tell me about it. Her son has given her a hard time about and she’s apologised but she’s only really doing it because she realised that she was going out tonight.

She is being very controlling. You shouldn't have to put up with it

We usually hear of male husbands/partners MN who behave as your wife is. They isolate their wives/girlfriends. They kick up a fuss and the woman caves in to keep the peace. Eventually she has no/minimum friends or social circle. The DHs/Bfs continue on as normal.

This seems to be what's happening here too and its wrong. It's not a minor issue.

Why didn't you just say yes, to the invite from your friend, why I'll get back to you ?

you need to stand up for yourself. or leave the relationship

Pointing out the disparity usually escalates the row. She does act this way with other issues and I gauge how important it is to me and if it’s worth standing my ground. We’ve had counselling in the past because I was unhappy. I explained my issues to the counsellor and she came up with a laundry list of things that she doesn’t like about me. Mostly to do with the fact that when I’m working she doesn’t know where I am. Half the time I don’t know where I am.

OP, this relationship is going nowhere. She doesn't respect you or your contributions, and is controlling. Leave now before things get worse. You don't deserve a life such as this.

Why did you check if you could go out? Just go.

It doesn't seem a minor issue to me...

I tried to leave about 4 years ago, backed down, did the counselling and wish I’d just stuck with my plan to leave.

It isn't a minor issue.

She's controlling your life and stopping you seeing your friends. Then when you try to stand up for yourself she has a tantrum and creates an argument in order to get her own way.

The truth is, she's abusive.

Is this really how you want to be treated and how you want to live your life?

As pp said, read your post and ask yourself, if a friend was being treated like this what your advice would be.

My advice, if I were your friend, would be to end the relationship.

Get a new plan.

This isn't a minor issue.

It's controlling and manipulating.

Start 2025 as you mean to go on.

It's massively unreasonable of her and definitely showing signs of being abusive.
From your account, it works because you "cave in", or are afraid of "being in the doghouse".

If there are no children there that need looking after (you didn't mention?), then you don't need to "ask" to go out. You're an adult, she's not your parent. You just state that you're going, and go. She's an adult, she'll cope. Might even be worth taking up a regular weekly hobby to get used to the idea.

When she kicks off/starts giving you reasons why you can't, you don't need to engage with it, it's not your problem and you're letting her make it yours. Don't suggest solutions, just be neutral. "Oh, that's a shame." "No, I can't, I'm going out on X night."

If she continues to take it out on you for days afterward, then I would address that with her directly, and continue to be definite about how unacceptable the control is.

As you said it might already be a relationship-ending issue (attempting to stop my social life certainly would be for me), then it seems like it might be worth trying to create a new, more equal dynamic before concluding that leaving is the best option.

Edited to add: have now seen the updates - mate, just leave!

Then leave now. If it was bad enough to almost leave 4 years ago and it’s just as bad now, then things will never change
Do you REALLY want this to be your life forever??

Nothing minor here. It’s entirely unacceptable.

DH and I have two young children so checking the other’s availability is the only requirement before one of us goes out.

I love that we have our own social lives.

She’s horrible and abusive. Please leave her.

You’re unreasonable to put up with this, OP. What is this relationship giving you that’s positive?

There’s something here quite obvious to me, and I wonder whether you’ve seen it?

You could have gone out. It all went wrong when you asked her. That gives her the opportunity to say no. Is she asking you before she goes?

If you don’t have your own responsibilities- small children- you are coordinating around, then you can just go out and say ‘see you later’.

I think k you’ll find it much easier and it will only take a couple of goes. She knows she’s unreasonable. I think it will work.

You wanted to leave four years ago? You regret not doing it so for the love of god leave now. If you regret not doing it then why would you possibly stay with her?

Huh? It's not going to work at all. Eyes thoroughly controlling and manipulative

Do you seriously think him just going out is going to work?

You can leave now, lots of support on here from those of us who've been in similar positions. How can we help you to leave?

She went out? No way!

Can you not go meet a friend right now? Just leave the house and go!