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Original poster

Her social life versus my social life.

166 replies

travellinglighter · 30/12/2024 18:58

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 01/01/2025 18:05

This is coercive control. OP, I think you know you need to lose this relationship. It’s abusive.

Nikki75 · 01/01/2025 18:06

You know the answer to this.
It's time to think about yourself.
No more backing down weighing situations up.
Time to move on I hope this works put for you .

Nikki75 · 01/01/2025 18:06

Nikki75 · 01/01/2025 18:06

You know the answer to this.
It's time to think about yourself.
No more backing down weighing situations up.
Time to move on I hope this works put for you .

Out

WisePearlPoet · 01/01/2025 18:20

This is coersive control and abuse. I really.don't like people like this. I think you should consider leaving and living your life. You might be a lot happier than you are now, you won't be any more unhappy

lemming40 · 01/01/2025 18:25

LTB

Facescar77 · 01/01/2025 18:35

I ticked you are being unreasonable but I meant you're being unreasonable to let her treat you this way! It's very controlling and you need to break this pattern. Your friend passed away and you got no support. What do you get from this relationship?

SparklyBrickViper · 01/01/2025 18:43

LTB

TheTavern · 01/01/2025 19:00

I don’t like the way she treats you. It’s controlling and bullying. If/when you leave just be sure you have tried everything to make it work and that you can start a new chapter with a clean slate and your head held high. Good luck.

ThistleTits · 01/01/2025 19:49

@travellinglighter that's not a "minor issue," it's a massive issue of control. Please walk away, it will only get worse.

Shotokan101 · 01/01/2025 19:58

travellinglighter · 30/12/2024 18:58

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

So, her controlling behaviour aside, how equitably are the "household" expenses and "chores" distributed?

ThistleTits · 01/01/2025 20:02

travellinglighter · 30/12/2024 19:16

I tried to leave about 4 years ago, backed down, did the counselling and wish I’d just stuck with my plan to leave.

Show quote history

Re make that plan and follow it through.

JHound · 01/01/2025 20:06

She sounds like a headache and a hypocrite. Her controlling when you can have social time while having as much as she wants is disturbing. Make it clear to her she is being a hypocrite.

Personally I would be gone though. That’s just me. This doesn’t appear to be a minor issue to me.

What else does she have double standards on?

Original poster
travellinglighter · 01/01/2025 20:10

Shotokan101 · 01/01/2025 19:58

So, her controlling behaviour aside, how equitably are the "household" expenses and "chores" distributed?

Show quote history

I do all the cooking, some of the laundry, all of the ironing but I also do all the traditionally male roles as well. I walk the dogs in all weathers. Bins DIY etc. She does a lot of things but anything that is a bit dirty, I do it. Cleaned the oven today.

Let’s face it, I’m no angel and you’re only hearing one side, but even if I’m over egging the pudding then I feel the distribution isn’t 50:50.

OP posts:
JHound · 01/01/2025 20:12

travellinglighter · 31/12/2024 14:15

No, haven’t been in for 26 years. She is definitely paranoid about the soldier thing. She lost the plot during lockdown because I was still going out to work and she was at home. She tracked my phone and wanted to see all my texts. No drama for me as I’m a serial monogamist.

Show quote history

Read the words you are writing.

Out loud.

Does that sound normal and acceptable to you?

Imagine your friend / child was telling you about their relationship and described it like this. What advice would you give them?

Havinganamechange · 01/01/2025 20:15

I’m sorry OP but you are being a door mat and she is taking the piss. Arrange to go out, tell her, go regardless of her response and just mirror her behaviour back to her. She is being childish, ridiculous and distrusting. Maybe it’s her that can’t be trusted?!?!

Chattyham · 01/01/2025 20:23

This is not minor. This is huge. I’d guess she is cheating to why she is being jealous/controlling of you and out a lot herself.

DollyLeggs · 01/01/2025 20:41

Hi OP. You need a place and time to be you. Get out and start your next chapter. Yes, times may be hard but honestly it will be worth it. Your partner may try everything to stop you but know that you are worth so much more. Take care and good luck.

overwhenitsover · 01/01/2025 20:46

Op you sound like a lovely man. Your more than welcome to 'over egg' my pudding :) What a lovely man you are. Maybe we should do a partner swap and she can see what it's like to live with a selfish man.

Mostlyoblivious · 01/01/2025 20:54

Life is too short. From what you describe, she sounds manipulative and controlling. Having taken steps with counselling 4 years ago I’d say you’ve been more than fair in your efforts and commitment to her. Cut your losses and I hope you have a freer 2025

wizzywig · 01/01/2025 21:00

Cover your tracks when you are posting here.

NooNoo1979 · 01/01/2025 21:17

travellinglighter · 30/12/2024 18:58

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

This sounds very much like coercive control and feels cruel …. Sorry OP you sound like a good guy

Lollipop81 · 01/01/2025 21:47

Well it’s not a minor issue at all. I’ve always had lots of friends but had a very controlling boyfriend who put a stop to my social life. NOw I have 2 kids with him and we are separated and he never had them overnight so he keeps controlling me. Please don’t let that become your life.

rosyvalentine · 01/01/2025 22:10

Did her last husband/partner cheat on her? I’m not suggesting that justifies her actions in your relationship, but it might help to explain her behaviour to some degree.

Cornishclio · 01/01/2025 22:30

Doesn't sound like a minor issue and I would not have caved particularly for an occasion like a memorial. She sounds selfish

Closetheblinds · 01/01/2025 22:51

You are being controlled by her and manipulated when the control is pulled back.