Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

There are none of us angels OP, you shouldn't be expected to be.

I personally couldn't cope with this level of unfairness and random control and scrutiny in a relationship, you deserve a life as well. There is absolutely nothing minor about it. It's hard to see when you are in the situation and it's easy for us all to say LTB especially when finances etc are tied up together and pets. It takes time and lots of thought to make a clean break.

I hope you do find the headspace to leave and find a lovely woman to find happiness with, you sound smashing even if you are over egging it a bit. Your DP has issues you can't help her with and giving in to it just makes it worse, you can't keep doing that it will only escalate. Don't let it get so bad you end up in an emotional mess and gun shy of finding a good relationship.

this is not a minor issue - it’s a major point of control, her against you. Your friend had DIED and she didn’t do everything in her power to let you go see a mutual friend. This is awful. This is also easily a
dumpable offence.

My marriage was similar to this - ex always had 2-3 all-consuming hobbies which dictated when I could do any kind of leisure activities/see friends. It wasn’t the thing that broke us up, but now I look back with a lot of sadness and regret at all the compromises I made which meant missed opportunities, lost friendships and a less fulfilling life. If I could go back I would set better boundaries and insist on both of us being able to do hobbies and social things equally. Of course you have to make compromises within relationships, but that shouldn’t mean one person has a full and interesting social life at the other’s expense.

OMG! Why do people put up with this sort of crap? Just walk away and stop wasting your life on someone who doesn't appreciate you. You've already wasted 4 years by allowing yourself to be talked into staying last time you wanted to leave, why oh why are you still there?

Get yourself together and leave OP, nothing good will come of continuing to put up with this.

I don’t think it’s a minor issue. At best she’s selfish, at worst her behaviour is controlling and abusive.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you this way? It’s unkind and uncaring, someone who loves you would want you to have time with your friends, as you do for her.

Think carefully about this relationship and if it’s how you want to live.

Get out. NOW

Ratio of chores aside (you are doing more than your fair share btw) having someone track your phone, get upset when they don’t know where you are, have a hissy fit when you want to go out and then giving you the cold shoulder if you do/try to explain why it’s important is absolutely awful.
I totally understand being conflict adverse and just putting up with things, but you only have one shot at life and you really need to be able to live yours.
My husband has many more friends than me, from childhood etc he recently went on holiday with them for a week abroad, he text most days and sent pics but I had no idea what he was doing and tbh I’m glad he had a lovely time. He has several plans this year to get together with them in various places for long weekends etc as they are all turning a milestone birthday, I’ll be staying at home with our children and animals and he’ll have a great time. Loving someone is helping them to live their best life, I would be moving money and making a plan asap.

Hey. I'm sorry to hear your having to deal with this, it must be really draining you. This is definitely not a minor issue though. This is domestic abuse. Have a Google of narcissistic abuse, and please reach out to your local domestic abuse service. Unsure of your gender but there are services out there for everyone.

This is not a minor issue…first mistake was telling your friend you will get back to him and ASKING her. Tell him yes you’ll be there and TELL her you’re going, completely ignore her protests and go. So what if you’re in the dog house crack on with your life while she sulks. She sounds like a nightmare to be honest

Sounds to me you are in a domestic abusive relationship and you need help xxx

This x100

I'd rather go through the mayhem of sorting out the home, dogs etc then live with someone who dictated my life and abuses you for being half hour late home from the shop's.
I know this because I've lived in a relationship with someone where I ended up not even saying about the things I wanted to do (in some cases need to do, work situations). I was a DJ manager and part of my job was to go to clubs where our djs had been booked to play to promote our business. He would say, "why do you want to stay overnight in a hotel with xxxxx?" Clearly I must have wanted to fuck them was his rationale.
I went to collect a DJ from central London to take him to Heathrow airport and my ex ruined some electrical equipment (video player) and shook it down the phone so I could hear that it was busted. One time I tried to leave here blocked the front door and held a knife to his stomach. How was I supposed to leave him like that?
But I did with the help of a friend (I hope you have support OP) and eventually I was free. He'd fucked up my self esteem but eventually I got free from that too.

You know what to do OP.
Stick to your guns mate, you deserve better!

How are you not an angel?
Does any of your badness affect her in anyway?
I could say that I'm no angel because of things I've done in my last but they don't define me and my good has most definitely outweighed the bad things I've done, not taking away from the bad things but I had a conscious and felt fucking awful when I did what I did (I'm talking specifically about credit card fraud. I was 18 I think and stupid! Very stupid but I didn't do it for long because I have a conscious).
How she treats you is not ok.
How you choose to live because of the repercussions is not ok.

And it sounds like a partner of a narcissist.....

This can be cured sweetheart.
Only you can ‘cure’ this.

I hope you can see/read/feel the warmth for you in many of these posts. I thought the vulnerability of military men was an interesting one. Add in a public school education(?attachment disorder) and there is a real potential recipe for adult vulnerability in relationships.

Get the counselling by yourself. It it the route map to a healthy new life for you, with or without your partner.

Wishing you love, strength and courage for this new mission. Give it a name!!

It is NOT a minor issue your partner is controlling and abusive Counselling didn't work it won't work with someone like her Time to split and enjoy your life
.