Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

Isn't** equal

Why are you even asking? Just TELL her!

Doesn't sound a minor issue to me . It sounds very controlling , using bad behaviour from stopping you having contact with friends . In fact it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all

It won't get better and there's every chance it will get worse. It really is not a minor issue. Don't run with the sunken costs fallacy just because you have one broken relationship behind you. This one is no good either.

I can’t believe she made you cancel then went out herself. Time to start 2025 as you mean to go on, or you’ll be sat here in another year with the same
problem.

This sounds really abusive OP, no one should have to ask for permission to go out. If my DP is going out I would never object, I may remind him that we have plans the next day but he's an adult so I would expect him to still partake in the plans even if he is hungover etc. Do you what causes her to he so controlling?

She is, she’s realised it, she cancelled her night out but she had to tell her son why as it was with him and he has told her off. I get on with her son and it was a long standing thing so I had no issues with putting her dad to bed
the only thing is op while your relationship sounds wrong, she was going out to meet her son? But that’s not really going out, it’s meeting her son. Maybe you do both need to properly talk this out (not saying it’s ok that it’s a big deal to her you going out/ working etc, just saying this particular example)

@travellinglighter I was in a similar position with my ex, I had 2 separate threads on the 2 issues, 1 around me doing the bulk of the work, childcare, housework, cooking. I downplayed the lack of respect for me, the double standards and the stress on me of having to carry all of the mental, financial and physical load.
My other thread was about her going out constantly and leaving me to deal with the children and everything else. She didn’t ever say that I couldn’t go out but my needs always came after her wants, so I was always running on empty and found it hard to advocate for myself.
She is still trying to control me via childcare arrangements, but mostly she is angry that I have a wonderful new life with far less stress and burden now that I am free from her.
I wish you the best and I hope you get free.

LTBitch

Does she ask for your permission when she goes out?

And what is with the huge disparity in working hours? - does she contribute equally financially, or are you subsidising her part time working AND doing the lions share of house stuff?

Oh I couldn't be bothered with all that .. no way, your a mug for
Giving into her, I'd tell
Her if it continues you want out of the relationship.

It's not a minor issue!
You are trapped in a life of work and housework which is not fun.
What would she say if you tell her it's important enough to ask for a mediator or marriage counselling

Live the way you want to live and completely ignore her sulks and tantrums. Maybe she will adapt when she sees that you are determined. If not then leave her or with luck she’ll get so annoyed, she’ll leave.

This. You need to develop a backbone and meet fir tge memorial drink regardless. You didn't need her permission, doesn't sound lije you have dc to care for.

This is not a minor issue OP, it’s a major one. Her behaviour is seriously manipulative and controlling. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Toxic. It won't change, it will get worse. Get out.

Glad you’re planning to leave. Other people are not your concern, neither are her family.

I read your OP with dread, I can’t imagine how much worse it is in real life.

Glad you are not married.

You sound lovely, op. Well done on making the decision to leave, I hope you stay strong as she may become super lovely once she realises she will lose you.

I work pt. I fully appreciate that privilege and I show it by taking on nearly all the housework, finances, dog walking and childcare, even on the days I work. I would say that I do over 90% of it.

I work 9 to 5 with an on call rota. Storm Darrah was a work emergency and all rules are off. She contributes about a third of household expenses but pays for other things to do with the house.

Op, this isn’t a “minor” issue.

You’re being controlled and gaslit.

Get. Out!!

You’re in a controlling relationship and she gaslighted you. You aren’t the one who is always out it’s the other way around. I was in’s relationship similar to this. If I tried to arrange anything last minute it caused a big drama. If I gave notice it was sometimes better. I started to keep a record of everything and realised it wasn’t a healthy relationship. I ended it. Good luck op.

I think this is really sad, something like a memorial drink is a really functional and important way of processing grief. You’re being denied a life of your own basically.

Cooking a feast for 8 people and cleaning up is no small deal. It’s exhausting especially on the back of full time work.

You think that your partner is manipulating you with excuses that don’t stack up, but not 100% sure ? You’ll never have conclusive proof, you can only apply fair judgment.

The question should be reframed, it’s not about whether her behaviour is acceptable, but why do you accept it ?

Perhaps the reason she has more friends is just confidence. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you are putting yourself last and so easily eroded. What’s dented your confidence and what can you do to rally yourself and fix it ?

I hope you make 2025 your year to place yourself first and or just leave :) Heal whatever has happened to you that has convinced you, you deserve this. You really don’t deserve this treatment :)

Another one on Team Leave Her. Life is too short for this sort of crap.

"It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it"
But it isn't a minor issue OP. This is a huge red flag marking coercion on the part of this person you live with.
Stop asking permission, you are an adult and as long as there are no children in the home who would be put at risk by your absence then simply go out.
And I do think it is time to call time on this relationship, sorry.

This isn't a minor issue, this is your life. You're being controlled and manipulated by someone who really should be on your team instead. It's not healthy.

Teamwork involves equitable division of labour and equitable access to opportunities like social connections. You shouldn't be thinking back to attending something in early November as your last social activity (and tbh I'm not sure Remembrance Day really counts as socialising given its nature). You don't have to accept this. If it won't change, it might be time to get your ducks in a row.