Her social life versus my social life.

[travellinglighter]

I’m not overly blessed with friends whereas my partner has maintained friendships from school and makes friends easily.

This month she’s been to two works parties and had lunch on at
least three occasions without me. She’s able to do this because she works two days one week and three days the other week. She’s been to another Christmas party with me, been out for dinner with me and been to the pub with me and her family.

Other than breakfast with my work colleagues in work hours I haven’t had a single social occasion without her. I have worked 5 days a week and over storm Darragh I worked 12 days in a row and up to 18hrs a day.

Christmas Day, I cooked for 8 on my own. After dinner I was told that to leave the washing up as the rest of HER family would do it. When I got up next morning, I did it.

No issues, I don’t mind, I’m just illustrating that I’m pulling my weight. I do all the cooking in this house. Plus laundry and ironing

My best friend phoned me the other today to tell me we’d had a mutual friend die from a long term illness. It was Friday night, I had nothing planned for the weekend and he asked if I wanted to go out for a memorial drink with some other friends on Saturday . I said I’d get back to him.

i mentioned it and it kicked off a barnstormer of a row. My social life always does. There is a pattern.

I ask if she’s okay with me going out, she comes up with a spurious problem that means I can’t go out.

I propose a solution to the spurious problem, she gets upset.

She accused me of always going out. I ask her when was the last time I went out and she remembers an event a month ago.

I point out her lunches, parties, nights away and accuses me of trying to keep her away from her friends. I point out that I rearrange my days, work from home or nip home to deal with issues so she can see her friends.

We row and I cave in or spend the next two days in the dog house.

Friday’s spurious excuse was she would be left on her own to look after her very elderly father. I caved in, spend Saturday night watching him sleep through the darts. She put him to bed without me. Like she has done every night since he came here on Christmas Eve.

I’m now sitting in front of the TV while her elderly father sleeps through the football on my own. I’ll put him to bed tonight. Why am I doing it? She’s gone out.

It’s a minor issue in our relationship but it might just be the one that breaks it.

Yeah it’s not a minor issue - you sound very unhappy. Get your ducks in a row.

Also OP you work during storms in some sort of emergency service probably - this is seriously hot. You cook Christmas dinners and help old people elderly men. You’re extremely capable. You were ready and willing to meet your friends in the cold for a memorial drink. You’re someone that shows up for people and life. You’re strong ! This is a more rare quality than you realise, it’s a significant measure of being a good partner and parent one day - showing up, being reliable, sacrificing

Many women would like you for this alone - the ability to just be strong in life & carry others. This is being taken advantage of though.

After the Christmas effort alone you should have been poured a whiskey, given a massage & told to go have fun with your friends.

Know your own worth.

Not emergency service’s although I was a a soldier. I know my worth. I’m nearly ready to retire (a bit too young) but it would mean being at home all the time.

This.

OP @travellinglighter this is abuse-pure and simple.

She is clearly limiting your life chances by being difficult or the threat of being difficult.

Do you really want this for the next 20 years....??

What would she have done if you had just gone for the memorial drinks?

She sounds really controlling.making a point that she doesn’t see you when you are at work is ridiculous and questioning you coming home a tiny bit late is abusive.

its important that you maintain the friendships that you do have so that you aren’t isolated.

It's not a minor issue.

It's a big problem and you need to realise how bad it is.

You know your own worth

You know that this relationship is not right

You know what there is for you to do

All the best.

Hi OP, your mention of remembrance day made me wonder if you're military/ex-military which you've now confirmed. Just the other day my husband and I were talking about 3 men we know, all ex or current military, who are in relationships with incredibly controlling women. All the men are professionally successful, fit, disciplined, hard-working, just all round great guys, basically outwardly successful - but their relationships look like a nightmare. One has recently left after 15 or so years but the others are still in the relationship.

The control is around where they go and who they see, and they pay a price when they go against their wives wishes. It was making us wonder if it's just coincidence (we do know a 4th guy who was with a domestically violent woman many years ago, no military background) or if there's a something about if the traits that make for a successful military career can make someone vulnerable to remaining in a controlling relationship (not necessarily ending up in one though). For example being stoic and tenacious (head down, keep going, don't give up if things are tough), an ability to manage/cope with being told what to do without being reactive, being disciplined and controlled in the face of difficulty, problem solving rather than giving up etc. All great traits in a military environment but not necessarily when applied to a difficult relationship. Anyway that'd just something I happened to be talking about the other day and may be entirely irrelevant.

From what you've said you really need to get out. A relationship should never be about one person controlling the other. It's incredibly unreasonable. One thing I'd say is controlling abusive people will be quick to raise something you've done wrong in an attempt to at least make it seem like you're both in the wrong. Don't fall for it. She's already tried a bit by flipping things and accusing you of controlling her when you try to note that she is allowed to socialise when you're not. Look up DARVO.

Good luck.

To be fair to her, the remembrance thing is a long drawn out affair. Down on a Saturday parade on a Sunday and home on the Monday and with a fair amount of drinking involved. Soldiers eh.

You may have a point about the military connection to controlling behaviour. During the counselling I expressed a very common military saying “What cannot be cured, must be endured.” In my day job, I can work in atrocious conditions. You can’t stop because it’s raining. Maybe this approach carries on through into every day.

I’m also conflict averse so I’ll do things that i don’t want to do to avoid a row unless I really don’t want to do it, at which point the row is worth the price.

I also don’t do things I want to do unless I really want to do it. So far it’s skiing once a year, Remembrance Day parade and I’m going to a military music thing in March which I’ve already had the row about.

I’d be happy to take her but she wants to control the agenda and it spoils it for me.

Its not a minor issue, you are being controlled.

This is not a healthy relationship. Leave.

I hope you get to go out on another occasion for the memorial drink for you late friend.

I can't only add that I agree with what everyone else is saying, and it sounds like you know/agree with it. You're better off out of this.

Are you still in, @Takenoprisoner ?

Because the level of cheating and breakups in the Forces is so much higher than civilian life. When I was with my ex the divorce rate was double the norm. There were some absolute horror stories on our patch. Our neighbour was a Sgt, married with four kids, had an affair with a Cpl, got her pregnant, and at a dinner the Cpl was asking the wife what she should do in her scenario, keep her affair baby or not. Wife giving her advice completely unawares. 😬😬😬

Do you think she has paranoia of you going out based on stories and lived experiences of other soldiers? You've only got to take a look at some of the chats on A.R.R.S.E to turn your hair white.

Sorry that tag was meant for @travellinglighter !

This is a controlling and abusive relationship.

Leave her.

No, haven’t been in for 26 years. She is definitely paranoid about the soldier thing. She lost the plot during lockdown because I was still going out to work and she was at home. She tracked my phone and wanted to see all my texts. No drama for me as I’m a serial monogamist.

It sounds like you've reached the end of your current episode of serial monogamy. Time to move on to the next, hopefully more enjoyable, episode?

It’s important to get out and see your friends. How come she’s able to do that but not you? That alone would be a deal breaker for me . Not acceptable at all

Come on, mate. It's NYE - make the decision today that you'll move out in the new year. You don't deserve to live with someone like this. Nobody does.

BTW I'd expect her to ramp up the romance if you say you're leaving. She will probably want to marry you. Take absolutely no notice at all of this - she's better off financially with you there and that's what will be driving it.

Does she still track your phone?

She can see where I am but rarely mentions it anymore. She hasn’t asked to see my texts for a while.

It’s good you know your worth. Your home life should be a soft place to fall. I hope you find that in 2025 x

Still plenty more drama than you need.

In relationships like this if you deny access to your phone because it's a ridiculous accusation, you've got something to hide.

If you show your phone willingly you've already "deleted the evidence". They are paranoid about you cheating, because if the scenario was reversed that's what they'd likely be doing

Time to move on.

You don’t sound like a bf, you sound like the help!

You are being treated this way because YOU are allowing it. WHY? Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?? Think about it!!!!! You know it’s wrong, do something about it!!